GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!

For anyone who has yet to experience the carpool drop off line at an elementary school I must warn you -- it is brutal. Basically we have a 60 second window to get goodbyes out of the way and two kids out of the car. If it doesn't happen we have sour looks, teacher escorts helping the kids out and general panic.This is 60 seconds filled with pure, unadulterated anxiety. I am not sure if it is the way the teachers rush the kids out of the car or the impatient parents behind me but it fills me with dread each and every day. Then as I pull away I am left with the aftermath of guilt for not taking my time and telling the rest of the world to piss off and wait 2 more minutes. My girls are looking for a kiss and hug goodbye and I'm going, "yeah, yeah, hug, kiss, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR!!! I'M GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW URGENT THIS IS????!!!" I am just thankful I am no longer in grade school. That's a lot of damn pressure.

Fireside chat, my ass...

Okay, okay, Obama is wonderful. I concede. I am always skeptical of anyone with self-confidence and lots and lots of followers (see Catholic Church as one example). Nonetheless, let's give our comparisons to the past a rest. While we are at it let's give Obama himself a damn rest. The most noticeable things about last night's speech to me were:

1. The dark circles and bags around the president's eyes. Welcome to the Whitehouse and goodbye to any hope of a good night's sleep.

2. Nancy Pelosi's idiotic permagrin coupled with her schoolgirl, teacher's pet, jumping out of her seat every chance she could get clapping making an ass of herself and a mockery of her status. I imagine afterward she gave Obama an apple and offered to clean the blackboards.

If it's time for change then let's change already. I propose we start by telling everyone to remain seated and hold the applause to the end.

Update on Facebook

I decided to join not just for voyeuristic pleasures. After receiving a friend invite I can't refuse I'm going in. That way I can feel a little bit better about the friend count jumping from 0 to 1 and even if it stays there it's better than nothing. Now I will claim I was never against it and can totally see the value in the whole thing.

By the way, got out my wisdom teeth so I may just be looped up. I have to say that was the best dental experience I have ever had. A little freaky to start breathing and immediately pass out only to wake up to find I don't remember a thing, my mouth is bleeding and 189.00 has been charged to my Mastercard. Oddly reminiscent of days of my youth.

A-Rod Issue is finally here!!!

Interview:

Q: What did you think when you heard you were going to be on the latest cover of SI?

A: Oh my god, I was so shocked and honored. I thought my agent was playing a joke on me. I have wanted this so badly since I was a teenager.

Q: Honestly, is playing baseball really that hard?

A: Oh you bet it is! There are ups and downs. I have to travel a lot on private jets and first class and so I really get jet lagged. I also get treated like royalty a lot places. It can get lonely but seriously I really love it. I have a lot of good stats but I won't bore you with any substance of anything I've ever accomplished because I know your readers just want to objectify my appearance.

Q: Will you describe your dream girl?

A: I dunno. Maybe someone who is intelligent and respectful and has good family values. I don't like rudeness and bad manners. I am also very romantic.

Q: If you could create the perfect hollywood pair who would it be?

A: Madonna and me.

Q: If you could change one thing what would it be?

A: I can only change one? Shoot, I can think of several., No seriously I am not someone who likes to take things back or have regrets per se but if I could just erase the last 9 years or so of drug use and philandering that oughta cover it. We all make mistakes right? But look at my chiseled chin!

Q: Finally, something I am sure everyone really is interested in reading about--who is the world's hottest athlete?

A: Lebron James for sure. He's so big and handsome and I hear almost anyone has a shot with him.


Sorry. My irritation with SI Swimsuit Issue. I don't mind pretty women. I just hate the objectification of them in a magazine that is supposed to promote sports -- an activity lots of women actually engage in. Love to hear more about those endeavors. I can't believe grown women with any semblance of intelligence wouldn't call out the asinine questions they were asked in their interviews. If you're gonna put your tits and ass on a sports magazine for all to see please pretend like there might be a brain and some other accomplishments to go with it. Good god.

Forgiveness for sale! All colors, one size fits all!

No lines!No waiting!

I don't know where to begin with this one. So the Catholic Church is bringing back some traditional practices one of which is granting "indulgences." Now before you go and start thinking chocolate desserts and candy like I did just stop right there. It's so much better than that (for entertainment value anyway.) My first question upon reading this article in The Dispatch this morning was, "Why the f would this be on the front page? It isn't news. It's less than news." My second thought after reading the article again in its entirety was, "This has to be a joke. Do people really take this seriously?" So being a recovering Catholic I read the article one more time.

Here's my breakdown:

*Indulgences are sort of like credits on earth. If you do some prayer in a predetermined setting like a retreat (one which I'm betting the church charges for) then you may be granted an indulgence.

*An indulgence apparently takes time off the person's visit to purgatory. Purgatory was described in the article as, "not a place of suffering but a place where you receive a good scrub down to remove the muck before being with god."

*If you get your scrub down here you can avoid the long lines and waiting once you croak and hit purgatory.

*As stated by Tom Berg, "It is NOT a get out of jail free card."But wait, Tom. I thought it wasn't a place of suffering.

*Exactly who does the granting or how it is granted remains unclear to me. The article stated no one keeps track because "It's between the Catholic and God." The only record keeping will be done by the church treasurers who receive your money.

I can barely articulate my thoughts on the absurdity of this. It is so frustrating to think that once the premise of heaven/purgatory/hell is actually accepted that people then actually believe you can "buy" your way into "heaven" on the fast track. IF it is truly between the Catholic and god then no one needs an indulgence. No one needs confession, judgment on earth and no one needs the church. Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. My best and most hopeful guess is that someone in the church double majored both in theology and marketing. During these hard times the church is also affected. Guilt does not seem to be working as well presently. We're gonna need some "value added" tactics to really grab these customers back.

Well, good luck with that. Anyone not able to attend this weekend's retreat see Fr. McFleecalot. For the right price I am certain we can zip you right by the scrub down and into the glory of god.

uh-huh

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/02/05/facebook.impostors/index.html

I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thanks for asking

Made the mistake of vowing to take care of myself again. I got very extreme with it this time and decided to go to the dentist for a cleaning. I try to visit only once every decade or so when I have a broken tooth or a nerve hanging out of my mouth. Otherwise, I try to handle that stuff at home. I'm kind of a DIY sort of person.

Long story short they said I had to get my cavities filled before I ended up having to get a root canal. Nice scare tactics. So negative. I stopped myself from saying, "yeah, and you'd better get to the gym before that ass takes over all your organs." But I didn't. I know better. Most of us have our Achilles heel as it relates to our health. Maybe you can' stop smoking. You know it's bad for your health but you keep lighting that wonderful little stick of sunshine anyway. Others may have an aversion to physical activity. We've all heard our hearts might burst if we don't get up off the couch but still we sit with remote in one hand and chips in the other while with the help of Time Warner we efficiently watch 18 shows in 2 hours. Don't roll your eyes at me. It is possible. I know people who haven't been to the doctor for a well check up in years. Not because they think they are healthy but because they are afraid to hear the details of their ill health.

Given this information I am incredulous when the dentist or the people who do all the work before he walks in for two minutes ask me questions like, "Did you have a bad experience at the dentist when you were young? Is that why you don't like the dentist?" It takes a lot not to jump out of the chair shouting,"Are you f---in' kidding me? EVERYONE HATES THE DENTIST!" I think she might have been looking for one of those sordid tales of general anesthesia and the sexual deviant doc. No. At least not that I know of. "Actually this is the worst dental experience I have ever had," I say to her, "each one before this was also dreadful. If I need to explain it to you I don't believe there is any way you would actually grasp the meaning of what I was saying. Should I talk more slowly?" In reality I said nothing but I came up with a list of reasons why one might hate the dentist without ever having an illegal experience there:

1. You are too close to my face. I don't know whether to look in your eyes or look away. Both seem equally awkward so I usually decide on a zoned-out, glazed-over look while I count your eyebrow hairs.

2. The tools used may be new but they've never been improved. I am 40 years old and in my lifetime I have seen things change. Gigantic cable boxes connected by 2 inch think cables have been widdled down to a cordless, hand held remote. Pong has turned into me (my nephew actually) playing video games against other people not in my house but somehow magically connected to my TV. Kentucky Fried Chicken is KFC and really healthy now. Just a few examples. Is there a way to get rid of that awful drilling sound of the cleaning tools? And how about we put our heads together and come up with a way to do without the torture chamber worthy metal hook that scrapes the life out of me?

3. You are touching my mouth. I can see you are wearing gloves but what about the people who make those gloves? How clean can it really be?

4. You ask me questions that require more than a yes or a no. To make an awkward situation worse you are having a conversation with yourself while pretending to have one with me. Please don't bother.

5. The only yes/no question you do ask me is "Ya' doin' okay, hun?" Hell, no. I am not doing okay. I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thank you.

6. The bill. After all that happens in the actual office it's followed up by the harsh kick in the ass of an exorbitant bill.

Really? You don't know why I hate the dentist?

Ted Haggard

GTC and I spent part of our Saturday night watching a fairly incomplete and lame "documentary" much better labeled a home video about the once esteemed Ted Haggard. I have to say the guy was likable in a weird sort of way. He seemed to embrace his sometimes homosexual, sometimes heterosexual nature. In other circles this is referred to as bisexual. Ted presented a very accepting view on his judges in the church who banned him not only from the church but also from the state of Colorado. I am not even sure the FBI can do that.

It was difficult to tell whether Ted was truly happy or okay with anything because he has a facial deformity in the shape of a huge permanent, awkward smile that defies any accurate reading of his feelings. This only went away one time. That was when Ted seemed very pathetic which was right about when I began to find him likable. He seems to be a man who in his own words "sinned" and who is unable to get that grandiose and seemingly non existent thing his church once called forgiveness. I felt like Ted was just one step away from getting it. Maybe the church isn't all it's advertised to be.

I guess I didn't get too much from this except the idea that organized religion isn't where you want to be if you are looking to engage in any sort of nontraditional anything or in the wake of said thing you are looking for any sort of forgiveness, unconditional love, and understanding. No, one would have to venture far far away from any organized religion to obtain those. Hopefully, Ted will get far enough away to realize that. In the meantime, if anyone is looking to purchase some good life insurance or to give out massages, Ted is your man.