I can't seem to get this right. I have an eternal quest to achieve happiness or peace or that "nirvana" type feeling I keep reading about in all my self-help books. I want to be that calm, laid back parent who deals with everything in a Mike Bradyesque pep talk. All you have to do is choose to be happy, choose to be calm. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, exhale, notice my breath in, breath out, calm my thoughts, feel peaceful. Nope. Not working.
I realize I can do the above successfully under one of the following two circumstances:
1.) when everything around me is going swimmingly (this is also when I just can't fathom why others are so darn stressed out -- just meditate, people)
2.) in a crisis situation
There is no peace for me in the in between. Which translates to everyday life. I think I suck at it. I walk around most of the time judging myself so harshly that my mind spends its days in the fetal position. Consequently I tend to judge others harshly as well. But I only do this inside my mind. I rarely express those thoughts out loud. I know that only bad people judge others, right? Which starts the endless, reckless cycle of me thinking I am a bad person all the while stuffing those thoughts as deeply as they can possibly go. Until...I blow up at my family. Now I do believe hormones play a part in this because my severe blow ups happen once a month at the exact same time. But I can't help but wonder if I didn't stuff down so much would there be anything that needed to explode out of me?
So this morning was my monthly tsunami. I wake up knowing but not fully conscious of the fact that something is gonna happen today. I feel I need to run but I don't. I can just sit here calmly amidst the stack of dishes from last night, the mound of laundry, and relax like everyone else here seems to do. I can watch cartoons and eat my cereal and not worry that the chores won't get done or the groceries won't be bought. I can toast one child's bread for exactly the right amount of time and spread the butter to cover every visible part of the bread just as she likes it while I pour cereal and mix oatmeal and make coffee for myself. I can do all of this and I can also relax I tell myself. But as it turns out I really can't. I just read a funny quote from a mom who said "multitasking causes yelling." She's right. If I can do one thing only or nothing I will never yell. But today I did. I yelled. I slammed things. I threw a grown up fit.
If my kids did this I would tell them to go to their room and take a nap because no one acts like that unless they are tired. Sleep all day please I would tell them. And maybe grab a snack on your way because maybe you are hungry as well. Your basic needs must not be met if your mind is acting out in this way. But why don't I tell myself this? Why don't I just go running? Why don't I just go take a nap? Now I have the aftermath of my fit to deal with. And I know it is my own fault, my own lack of self control. Luckily for me my family is forgiving and understanding. If only my mind were half that forgiving. In the meantime I'd better go grab a snack and take a long, long nap.
