Tastes great! Less Filling! Racist! Criminal!

I love beer. I admit it. My approval rating of President Obama might even go up because I also love Bud Light. Because I love beer, regular beer I do not consider myself a beer snob or a social snob or someone who clings to convention...but really? It sounds like an opening to a joke -- four guys sit down for a beer at the White House...One president, one VP, one scholar and one cop...only thing missing is the nun or the priest.

Anyway, so the story goes one white cop went to one black scholar's home to thwart a supposed intruder. White cop becomes the intrusive one, black scholar takes offense and acts in a disorderly manner. White cop takes him in. Black scholar calls "racism" the president gets wind of it and makes an offhanded remark about the cop acting stupidly.

First of all, if one takes a look at the story probably all of its parts are exactly true. The scholar is/was indignantly angry and inappropriately disordered. The cop is/was stupid and racist. Biden is obviously an alcoholic or totally out of the in crowd with his non alcoholic beverage. And Obama -- as any president striving to be the most common of denominators in every situation called it like he saw it or thought most folks would see it at the moment then took it back when he realized not so much. Poor Barack may be stretching himself a bit thin.

The advice I would give the president as a common schmoe (I am expecting his call any moment) is if you really want to blend with people it may have to be okay for you to call something stupid that seems stupid and in all likelihood, after your frat party at the white house still seemed stupid. Put your hand on your lower back and feel for that bone. It's called a spine. Trust it. Use it. It can be your friend.

In the meantime, I am totally on board with resolving all conflicts both domestic and foreign in the white house garden with a brew. Only let's not invite Joe next time.

Beatin a dead horse....

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/28/divorce.marriage.health/index.html

I won't dribble on too too much about this but I must reiterate my frustration at the focus on divorce as the problem rather than the intense pressure to be married along with low quality marriages and/or hasty choices or even as just a part of life. Beginnings, endings, births, deaths, marriage, divorce. The accepted negativity and resulting stigma of a thing is often more the problem than the thing itself.

Also, I believe no matter how it gets sliced in today's world a lot of folks will realize other options and will go for that. I say today's world not because I think there is anything wrong with today's world or it encourages divorce more than yesterday's world. It's a more viable option. Does the viability of the option of divorce urge people towards it? I don't think so. I think a crappy marriage does. Do I think we should encourage divorce? Do I think we should villainize marriage? Do I think we should make it a sin so people will guiltily stay where they do not want to be? Do I think we should legislate to force people to stay where they don't feel they can thrive? Do I realistically think even any amount of warning or training regarding marriage would stop the smitten yet mismatched people from tying the knot? No I don't think any of that. I know divorce is hard. I know marriage is difficult as well. I have no real point I guess except that I know deep down that evil thing called divorce saved my life.


p.s. if a grown man cannot be responsible enough to schedule his own colonoscopy he has no one to blame but himself.

Piggybacking on Pdawg's Post

I completed my vehicle registration renewal online today. Fantastic idea.

*I don't have to leave the comfort of my chair.
*I don't have to endure the trained to be unfriendly BMV employees.
*I will be early in renewing rather than late due to my anxiety that causes me to put it off to the last minute.

One side note, I was so pleased with the process that I decided to go ahead and "Take the Survey." All inane questions except one:
"If there were a souvenir plate program would you purchase one for yourself or as a gift for someone else?(plates for DISPLAY purposes only and not to be used on your vehicle)"
*YES
*NO
*If NO, please explain.

I have to explain? Really? That was the first response I typed. Then I thought I should be more helpful and I typed "Total waste of money." Then I thought I should be both helpful and humorous so I typed, "Only if you pay some of my property taxes but it wouldn't entitle you to any ownership of my property. It'd just be for fun." Then I thought they might flag my record for the police to pull me over and flog me since they clearly were asking the question in all seriousness. With some rebellion left in me I typed, "No thanks, I can just pick those up at Spencer's." But, due to my compliant and fearful personality I finally settled on, "I need to use my money for the real plates that the state requires."

I can vividly imagine the conference room and the meeting that was called to decide to slip this stupid ass question into the online survey. I hope that at least one person laughed out loud.

Anatomy of the Surprise Party

I may have touched on this in the past but I am not into surprise parties. I'm not into getting them and I'm not into giving them. Some might say I have no sense of adventure, no spontaneity. However, this I can dispute with a myriad of anecdotal evidence dating from adolescence to present. I have spent many a morning wondering why I had done some thing or the other the night before. I consistently buy things not on my list at the store. Not spontaneous? Think again. And I don't mind surprises per se. Just surprise parties. I think they are stupid. And here is why...

A surprise party like many "gifts" benefits mainly if not only the giver. They either feel they have done something special for the person in disallowing them access to the particulars of a celebration in their honor in which case they are almost always doomed to be off target OR they feel they have "gotten one over" on the person in which case they are a bit competitive and/or rude and mean. I especially hate the mentality that insists a person who hates surprise parties is the one who should get one.

But let's take a look at the likely intention of the party giver. They believe they are being thoughtful. This is the kicker for me. How many of us have sat and wished someone, someday would hopefully throw us a surprise party? Maybe we've said we wouldn't mind it but actively wanting one? When asked "What do you want for your birthday?" some might say cash, gold, a night out, etc.. "Oh yeah, and a surprise party PLEEEAASSSE." Just not likely.

On to the guest list. The mother of all disaster. I have always contended that surprise party guest lists end up being a gathering of people that would otherwise all be seen together only at my funeral. Since the giver needs to necessarily go for big numbers because, well, three people at your target's party just smells of sad, the giver will call everyone in your phone that resembles a friend. Careful consideration should be given to whether a particular guest is an actual friend. Some quick tips:

* If the person has been to my home dropping off something (pan I left from the bake sale) or someone (i.e their kid) there's a good chance I would label them "acquaintance" rather than friend and would NOT want to see them at my house to celebrate any milestones.

* Facebook friend --- WAY different than actual friend in most cases. If you don't know what I mean I just feel sorry for you.

*My old college roommate that lives in town but for some reason has never been over. Yeah, there's a reason for that.

*That family member whose presence seems to change my personality completely. When they are around you can see the word "tense" spelled out on both of our brows. Save that miraculous reuniting for another occasion.

*My hairdresser is cool, but seriously...

So if you are thinking of giving someone you love a surprise party you might want to think again. Though in the end they will appreciate your effort take note. If they don't say at the end of the night "we should have them all over more often" then you might want to just buy gold next time.

Always searching, never disappointed

Whale Wars! Friday nights at 9pm eastern on Animal Planet. If you haven't seen it you must. You simply must. I am not an openly violent person thanks to years and years of catholic conditioning. I have learned to contain my anger and let it out in small indignant doses wherever I see fit. If ever I should cross that line there is protocol in place for my forgiveness and ultimate ascension into heaven. whoa, that thought took me away. However, this show INCITES me to violence.

Whale Wars is a show that documents the goings on of the sea vessel dubbed "The Steve Irwin" or "The Sea Shepherd." The captain of the ship is none other than Paul Watson. Basically what they do is chase three Japanese ships around the ocean trying to stop them from whaling. The Steve Irwin has decided that the Japanese are violating international law by continuing to whale claiming they do it for profit rather than reserach. The Japanese claim they are whaling for research only and not exceeding any quotas set forth. The Steve Irwin claim the Japanese have found a loophole in the law and are not doing any research but are merely doing it for profit. And back and forth, etc. Enter renegade Sea Shepherds.

I cannot do justice to the show with words. You must see it. I will say that I never really thought too much about whales before. I think they are cool. I like the photographs of them. And for the record, I have never eaten whale. I would call myself neutral. Before this show that is.

Though there is no international organization that I can join and campaign with to sink the Steve Irwin that is what this show has motivated me to want to do. I have never seen more hypocritical, bungling, idiotic, ill-planned, violent, immature efforts to save anything before in my life. And remember I grew up catholic. I watch faithfully each and every week just hoping to see one more mishap. It is almost as good as the original episodes of Gilligan's Island.

Daily Mind(less) Chatter

I went to the pool yesterday. I like to workout and feel pretty healthy but started wondering how in the hell these women with children are able to wear a bikini. Not tankini. Bikini. Short in the butt, strings holding it together. Buff, taut and looking good. My stomach gave way long ago just shortly after my boobs started to fall. Working boobs mind you. They've fed some babies. But honestly, if I wore a bikini I would have to wear my stomach in a ponytail and roll up my chest. But I digress. But isn't that the point? At the same time I realize I need to stop noticing shit like that. Or in the least I need to start discerning rather than judging (thanks, JtotheP, for that one.)

Meanwhile I am at the pool with my mom and her cousin. My mom complains about her body nonstop. I mean nonstop. If she even so much as walks near a fridge she can find someway to berate herself for eating too much or gaining weight. If I talk about a callous on my foot she will say it reminds her of how many calories she consumed yesterday. Clever one she is.

My mom is 65 and in my opinion, looks great. Maybe she's gained some weight over the years but she has no health problems to speak of. Except that is, the mental obstacle of finding anything remotely likeable about herself. Herein lies my own personal challenge. I have inherited that trait. If I spend as much time over the years as she has cutting on myself I will not ever notice the good things. I used to think I got that trait from my father but now I think it has been an even and thick application coming from each side. I may be doomed. Though I know it somehow it is hard to stop it.

So now I am looking at one woman in particular who is absolutely gorgeous. Everything is cut. Oddly enough I don't feel disdain or jealousy or anything negative. I was sort of in awe and daydreaming about "maybe someday" as I imagined just how many personal training sessions I'd have to endure to get there. But just then as I was looking (likely ogling) at her yet another buff mom walks across my line of vision. For more than just a split second I notice the first mom also noticing this second mom. I could be wrong but her stare seemed more like a, "This is my turf. What are you doing here?" type stare. Then I felt sorry for her. Perhaps having and maintaining a body that perfect is a chore in more ways than just the work it takes to get there. Perhaps it is the burden of perfection. Perhaps liking oneself doesn't come free with those rock hard abs. I looked down at my self and gave an affectionate pat to my belly and I set a new healthy goal for myself. It will certainly be an arduous battle which goes against my genetic makeup but if I work really, really, really hard I may someday appreciate the good in myself.

Easy in, easy out

I recently read an editorial written by Leah Ward Sears Let's End Disposable Marriage.
I call "bullshit." She claims that marriages are too easy to get out of and partially perhaps due to the "no fault divorce" ruling. I call "double bullshit" on that assessment. Before I rant on and on regarding my perspective on this it is probably necessary to state that I do not believe there is one right or wrong answer to all of this and of course, if there was it would be mine. We all are heavily influenced by our own personal and relatively small life experiences. With that being said, time to rip apart her point -- a point I hear expressed over and over.

POINT: Marriage is easy to get out of. I can barely type those words without falling off of my chair. As one of those pesky divorced people threatening the American family who conveniently disposed of my marriage I present to you:

Exhibit A: a 3inch stack of papers -- separation, divorce, child support, and other minutia right down to who gets the gd ottoman. I was really holding out for that one but in the end let it go to my ex along with his other requests including but not limited to the clothes dryer, the printer, and end tables. Talk about breaking things up.

Exhibit B: proceedings begin one year and end two years and three moves later.

Exhibit C: In the process realized I stood to lose one father and the support and/or respect of many people who formerly kinda dug me. Turns out most of them were, in fact, lost.

After you have examined the first three exhibits I would like you to take a look at:

Exhibit D: My marriage license (and a timeline.) The license, one single piece of paper took 20 minutes (this includes drive time) and $40 to obtain. Virtually no questions asked. The catholic church deserves honorable mention with their pre-cana requirements the highlight of which was a two page, scan tron test on compatibility. That added a bit of time and some hoops for us to jump through though in the end we received our score of "incompatible", handed the priest his gratuity, received his blessing and scheduled the date.

Exhibit E: An unending line of folks WANTING to get married and following through on that desire. Divorce has no bearing on the number of folks wanting to get married and form families. In fact, the same folks squawking on about the demise of marriage and family are preventing loving, committed gay people from marrying...

My point being, marriage is ridiculously EASY to get INTO if you are heterosexual. Though some may say it's easy to get out of I would contend the problme is more the entrance into marriage which I find akin to the gravitational pull of a black hole. If one takes a step back and looks at the entire thing it seems ludicrous to think the exit would not be more difficult.

My suggestion: THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. STOP celebrating the white dress, the knight in shining armor and think the fuck about what you really really want for yourself. That's step one. I don't honestly believe relationships truly can be legislated much as some want to try. If you insist on the need to change law or legislate or make anything harder to attain in the name of the American family how bout try making it difficult to get married. That way at least folks might have to wait at least as long as they do to buy a gun.

Puritan meets Suburbia over salad

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