Birthdays

Yippee. My birthday is approaching. I am so excited. Not really. But on the up side of things I don't have a desire to lock myself in a room and cut off all contact on this day. My father is sort of like that. As I age and try to figure out what makes that man tick the birthday and father's day self-beatings he administers boggle my mind.

Don't get me wrong I totally get not wanting to be the center of attention with lots of crazy hoopla or ever worse a surprise party. I am on board with hiding and invisibility but my dad seems to want to treat his special days with disdain and emotional violence aimed at himself. What I have realized as a parent though is birthdays are so completely not about the person who has been birthed, not as a child, not as an adult, not ever -- with the possible exception of tween years when a child may plan the party and take charge of it without parental influence and vision. Those are awesome years of oblivion and bliss along with utter social panic. Before that age a kid may envision their party but the parent controls it. "Oh, Susie, you'd like a clown who makes balloon animals and a bouncy house? Great. The trampoline with a bag of .89 balloons is all set for you!" Parents envision their child's party and likes more than the child. Beyond childhood and tween years most well adjusted teens are not interested in that hoopla and I don't care what Vh1 has to say about that.

But most certainly the day of birth is not about me the mom. Now there do exist adults who enjoy their day and take control of it planning parties and what- not and....yea, I know it's annoying, isn't it? There is a reason for that. Birthdays are about making those around you feel good. Most especially if you are a parent. So this year I finally get it. I submit. Bring on the tacky restaurant singers and the free sundaes. Bring on the homemade gifts and tshirts bought last minute at target. My kids will absolutely love it. And so will I.

Grade School=anxiety

There is something about being near, in or around my children's elementary school that causes me anxiety. I am not sure if it is exclusive to the school because I get a similar feeling in any group setting. As stupid as it may sound I am fairly certain this has to do with memories from my own grade school that are less than positive.

I should be clear that I was not a victim of bullying nor did I have academic or behavioral issues. I got along with most teachers and most people. I wasn't popular or unpopular. But I was acutely aware of my status as neither of those two things. I think I have spent the better part of my life and a great deal of energy maintaining that "neither here no there" status. I strive for pleasant invisibility whenever possible.

I guess when I am at my kids' school it is no longer just me I am aware of. I suppose wondering what the teachers, kids, moms think of me and them is what plagues me. I see the cliquish nature of the moms and teachers. And you can see it in the kids as well. What if my daughter is invisible but doesn't want to be? What if she is unhappy? Maybe this is the root of my uncomfortableness at school. In addition I am aware of a certain force parents put on their children to strive for success. For example, student council/mini popularity contest. I don't really exert that on my kids. But perhaps I should? Having kids in school is a tricky business. Until I find better answers to my anxiety I intend to send in money and baked goods and hold onto my identity of pleasant invisibility.

Free Of Facebook Anonymous(FOFA)

"My name is aholeonapc, and I have been clean for 6 days, 3 hours and 17 minutes. My rock bottom moment on Faceboook was..." Yep. That's right. Free of Facebook. And I have to say I feel great. Yes, I have to take it day by day sometimes even minute by minute. I am in the process of forgiving those whose posts caused me great irritation and seeking forgiveness in a general sense for any of my posts or comments that may have done damage. My soul feels light. And my time has become unexpectedly plentiful. Some specific benefits of deleting my FB account are as follows:

* I no longer have to deceive people with the lie when they start talking excitedly about facebook that, "Oh, yeah, I'm rarely on there. I only check it a couple times a week."

* Gone are the days when a "friend" inquires whether I read their post and I have to feign ignorance since they obviously seem to have expected me to comment or care if I had read it. When in fact I HAD read it, thought it stupid, indulgent or otherwise completely unnecessary but at the moment had the rare good sense to simply ignore it.

*No more posting and subsequent checking to see who might like me, err, I mean my posts.

*No more cringing at intensely personal sentiments that rightly belong in a real conversation with real friends.

*Embarrassment for "friends" who drunk post is now absent and again reserved for myself in every day life.

*I am spared from knowing which groups, clubs, books, shows, sites, commercial establishments, clothes, pizzas, brands of fingernail clipper, any of my 100+ plus friends like at any given moment.

Finally, the best result of deleting my FB account is a sense of honesty with myself. It is a start on my road to recovery. I can stand up and shout, "I REALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE!!!" without self consciousness or shame.