Tiger Train

Many think it's reprehensible how the media and others have jumped all over Tiger Woods with speculation and rumor. "Irresponsible," says the man himself who just a few short days ago crashed his Caddy 80 yards from his front door allegedly crashing so badly that his wife had to use the makeshift, jaws of life, big bertha to bash out the back window and drag him out. At least he knows firsthand the meaning of that word. Sorry, man, you ain't banking a billion dollars, living in a million dollar home, driving nice cars, marrying a model and playing for a living without getting some of this, too. Suck it up, Tiger, it's your turn for the real world that the rest of us have to live in but you usually just own.

Where in the hell were you going at 2 a.m.? There are only two places I have ever been going in a vehicle at 2 a.m. One is to give birth to a baby and the other is out for more beer. So which was it? And how much do you weigh? And how much does your wife weigh. She acted courageously you say? I'll say. Anyone who would have the nerve to chase you down the driveway with your own golf club and bash in your window with it is quite brave. Here's another scenario -- maybe she was chasing you with the car and drove over you on the street, crashed the car and then continued to abuse the car since you were unconscious? Maybe you are a really bad driver? Maybe you were high on crack? Maybe, maybe, maybe...Whatever it is if you don't get off the "it's a private matter" party line this speculation is gonna keep on coming.

Waiting...

Parent Teacher Conferences

It's that time of the school year again when I go sit down for a real one on one with my children's individual teachers -- for 15 minutes. This falls into the category of a thing I feel I should do but don't necessarily want to do. Sure I'm curious how my children act and interact when I'm not around. And I certainly want to make sure they are on track academically for where they are supposed to be at their ages. Then again...

I have to admit I am not concerned with grades at all. Now this tune would likely change if both of my kids started bringing home very low grades or seemed to be struggling in any way. What I really think school is for is to break their little spirits. Oops, did I say that out loud? What I mean is I think the main benefit of school is to teach our little ones how to interact with others. How to get along. How to study. Basically, how to navigate being human. Now I'm not leaving it all up to the schools to be sure but I believe they gotta get away from me and all that is home for a period of time to adequately learn these things.

So as I am sitting there looking at spelling, math and other tests and hearing their "level" I am always really listening for any indication of how my child is really doing. That's great stuff and all but there are really more pressing concerns on my mind. My child's teacher asked me to write down any questions I might have, tell about any "special" family situations that might affect my child, talk about concerns, etc. And all this in 15 minutes! Ok, here's my list of real concerns that I will never actually share with my child's teacher:

- Do you ever see my child pick her nose and eat it? Do you notice any bad habits that are unusual? If so, do other kids make fun of her?
- Do other kids ever make fun of her and if so, for what?
- Does she seem terribly maladjusted due to the divorce of her father and I?
- Does she have friends?
-Does she seem happy?
-Does she seem comfortable?
-What would you say about my child to your best friend?

Okay, maybe I don't want all that. Maybe I would be fine with the report card and the papers and tests that come home though. I am proud of the little people they are and are becoming no matter what -- pending the outcome of my first conference this evening. Will keep you updated

Did I mention I hate FWDs?

I am not knocking prayer. I swear I'm not. But after receiving a prayer email from an acquaintance/friend that was cleverly cut and pasted so FWD: disappeared from the subject line I just gotta. The first part that irritates me about this is that FWD: was deleted from the subject line though it was clearly a FWD: And after I have spent so much time and effort directing my mailbox to send anything with FWD: directly into my spam folder. You got me this time. If this keeps up though that person's email address is the next spam directive.

It's not that I don't have the time to read each and every damn piece of spam, marketing and real emails that graze my pc. I do. I can read them twice and thoroughly. I love to read and sometimes I get bored. No, this is not the problem. It's not that a good percentage of the time emails that contain FWD: in the subject line threaten my life, my luck, or my health in the last line after a supposed well wish or inspirational, cute, little frickin story. This I can deal with. The threat of a bunch of years of bad luck is really no threat at all to me. Bring it on. It's not even that most of them are so stupid and not in any way funny, intellectual or inspiring. Those things bother me but aren't my real button pushers.

The main thing is that 9 times out of 10 the person sending it does not acknowledge the above. Even my closest friends and family. What I want to do and sometimes do do (hee hee) is respond with a sarcastic, "Seriously? This is sooo stupid. You know I don't exchange recipes, believe in god, care about cute pics of dogs or cats, believe a woman was followed to her car in parking lot by a serial weirdo who put a receipt on her back window, etc, etc, etc,." What I want to say is, " When you have something to say to me that pertains to whatever relationship you might have with me then you can send me an email. If you really want me to pray for you ask me. I will wish you the best and send positive vibes in whatever way I can. If you think something's funny or worth sharing type in my address and start the exchange the good ol' fashioned way with -- Hello! Most especially if your email requests that I actually do anything because someone first asked you to do that thing you'd be better off just skipping me. I will break the chain.

If you don't comment on this post within 15 minutes of reading this all the hair on the middle top of your head will fall out and will regrow from the palm of your hand. IT IS TRUE!! DO NOT DELETE!!!!