Birthdays

Yippee. My birthday is approaching. I am so excited. Not really. But on the up side of things I don't have a desire to lock myself in a room and cut off all contact on this day. My father is sort of like that. As I age and try to figure out what makes that man tick the birthday and father's day self-beatings he administers boggle my mind.

Don't get me wrong I totally get not wanting to be the center of attention with lots of crazy hoopla or ever worse a surprise party. I am on board with hiding and invisibility but my dad seems to want to treat his special days with disdain and emotional violence aimed at himself. What I have realized as a parent though is birthdays are so completely not about the person who has been birthed, not as a child, not as an adult, not ever -- with the possible exception of tween years when a child may plan the party and take charge of it without parental influence and vision. Those are awesome years of oblivion and bliss along with utter social panic. Before that age a kid may envision their party but the parent controls it. "Oh, Susie, you'd like a clown who makes balloon animals and a bouncy house? Great. The trampoline with a bag of .89 balloons is all set for you!" Parents envision their child's party and likes more than the child. Beyond childhood and tween years most well adjusted teens are not interested in that hoopla and I don't care what Vh1 has to say about that.

But most certainly the day of birth is not about me the mom. Now there do exist adults who enjoy their day and take control of it planning parties and what- not and....yea, I know it's annoying, isn't it? There is a reason for that. Birthdays are about making those around you feel good. Most especially if you are a parent. So this year I finally get it. I submit. Bring on the tacky restaurant singers and the free sundaes. Bring on the homemade gifts and tshirts bought last minute at target. My kids will absolutely love it. And so will I.

Grade School=anxiety

There is something about being near, in or around my children's elementary school that causes me anxiety. I am not sure if it is exclusive to the school because I get a similar feeling in any group setting. As stupid as it may sound I am fairly certain this has to do with memories from my own grade school that are less than positive.

I should be clear that I was not a victim of bullying nor did I have academic or behavioral issues. I got along with most teachers and most people. I wasn't popular or unpopular. But I was acutely aware of my status as neither of those two things. I think I have spent the better part of my life and a great deal of energy maintaining that "neither here no there" status. I strive for pleasant invisibility whenever possible.

I guess when I am at my kids' school it is no longer just me I am aware of. I suppose wondering what the teachers, kids, moms think of me and them is what plagues me. I see the cliquish nature of the moms and teachers. And you can see it in the kids as well. What if my daughter is invisible but doesn't want to be? What if she is unhappy? Maybe this is the root of my uncomfortableness at school. In addition I am aware of a certain force parents put on their children to strive for success. For example, student council/mini popularity contest. I don't really exert that on my kids. But perhaps I should? Having kids in school is a tricky business. Until I find better answers to my anxiety I intend to send in money and baked goods and hold onto my identity of pleasant invisibility.

Free Of Facebook Anonymous(FOFA)

"My name is aholeonapc, and I have been clean for 6 days, 3 hours and 17 minutes. My rock bottom moment on Faceboook was..." Yep. That's right. Free of Facebook. And I have to say I feel great. Yes, I have to take it day by day sometimes even minute by minute. I am in the process of forgiving those whose posts caused me great irritation and seeking forgiveness in a general sense for any of my posts or comments that may have done damage. My soul feels light. And my time has become unexpectedly plentiful. Some specific benefits of deleting my FB account are as follows:

* I no longer have to deceive people with the lie when they start talking excitedly about facebook that, "Oh, yeah, I'm rarely on there. I only check it a couple times a week."

* Gone are the days when a "friend" inquires whether I read their post and I have to feign ignorance since they obviously seem to have expected me to comment or care if I had read it. When in fact I HAD read it, thought it stupid, indulgent or otherwise completely unnecessary but at the moment had the rare good sense to simply ignore it.

*No more posting and subsequent checking to see who might like me, err, I mean my posts.

*No more cringing at intensely personal sentiments that rightly belong in a real conversation with real friends.

*Embarrassment for "friends" who drunk post is now absent and again reserved for myself in every day life.

*I am spared from knowing which groups, clubs, books, shows, sites, commercial establishments, clothes, pizzas, brands of fingernail clipper, any of my 100+ plus friends like at any given moment.

Finally, the best result of deleting my FB account is a sense of honesty with myself. It is a start on my road to recovery. I can stand up and shout, "I REALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE!!!" without self consciousness or shame.

Dirt Pile or Lego Star Wars???

http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/online-gamers-crack-aids-enzyme-puzzle-161920724.html Headline reads, "Online Gamers Crack AIDS enzyme Puzzle"

Fascinating to me that a group of gamers could come up with this. On the other hand, I am wondering why all scientific problems that can be mapped in this way aren't expedited to the game room in Foldit.. I watch my 4 year old play a game, Lego Star Wars, that is mind boggling to me and has little pattern or point to me yet he can go on for hours if I let him passing all the levels and solving...something.

I read a book recently called Radical Evolution which discusses the future merging of man and machine. It contained a lot of food for thought that turned my skepticism during the first chapters into belief by the last few. It all makes sense though. And why not? We have prosthetic limbs, artificial parts, not to mention performance enhancing drugs. Why would we balk at the idea that drugs or micro chips might soon replace the daily gummi chewable for our children? "Here, honey, please take your daily intelligence booster. You have a math test today." (The movie "Limitless" which I happened to watch yesterday also gives an interesting take on a variation of the concept. )

Being somewhat of a humanist and not at all a gamer (not that the two are mutually exclusive) I tend to have a knee jerk reaction to theories and ideas such as these. I think the human condition is above all this tinkering and "cheating." Yet as I age and see the advances in science and technology I have become quite interested. I realize my reaction is in part due to the fact that I don't want to be that 65 year old that needs her grandchild to program her electronics. I want to keep up.

It was stated in the above book that if an adult could make it 10-20 years in reasonable good health that they would be set for a long, long life. Some of these people are seriously planning finances to stretch for hundreds of years. This is no joke to them.

So what point or lesson can we gather from this? For one thing, all the studies that electronics are bad for our kids might not hold as much water. I know mine will play on the computer or Wii for hours but will also play on a dirt pile for hours. I wonder how we came to the conclusion that dirt piles provide them with a greater educational opportunity. Maybe back in the day when dirt piles were competing with pong but those days are gone. The great and wonderful days of kids playing with the cardboard box, fashioning it into a cool go-cart now are going up against programs where kids can build virtual cars with accurate engineering specs.

For another thing, we might want to climb onto the technology rail and hold on tight because this thing is moving quickly. It's likely to run over anyone not on board.

It's been awhile

I haven't been able to post in quite some time due mostly to a lack of ideas and energy to write more than one sentence. I might be able to muster up a disjointed paragraph or two today. Readers will need a short attention span and no desire to make any connections or receive any points. There will be none.

First, I was irate yesterday after reading an article in the newspaper. A catholic bishop whose name I don't care enough about to go back and note relayed the pronouncement that in Columbus its churches and schools were not to support Komen because some of the money supports abortion (planned parenthood) and stem-cell research. Never mind that the cause also supports cancer research. We need to make sure we don't inadvertently support any organizations that may teach people how to avoid unwanted pregnancies. And we certainly wouldn't want anyone to use OUR money to find a cure for any genetic diseases. If cancer research suffers so be it. When you're right your right. Chalk up another win for the Columbus diocese.

Second, am I anti-social? This is a question I have been struggling with lately. Pretty sure the answer is yes and no. It really depends. Am I anti-social with neighbors? Most assuredly yes in terms of our neighborhood dynamic. I enjoy a few cookouts throughout the year and drinking a couple of beers. I think it's great if our kids play together. Where I draw my social line is in my personal involvement. I want contact with the neighbors and I want the kids to play but I do not want to stand out in the street every day with other adults watching the kids play. Is this bad? My husband handles the socializing on our street. And as for adult relationships my friend card was filled to maximum capacity (5) many years ago. I think some of us have a lower tolerance for idle chitter chatter. Hopefully I am not seen as rude of inconsiderate due to my inabilities to play nice.

Third, school is about to begin again. Can. not. wait. A house full of grouchy and/or bored folks is really starting to get to me. That's all on that.

Fourth, who is that Michelle lady thinking of running for president? Is she for real? And aren't there ANY women who might consider running that are not socially ultra conservative? Maybe the press got that subservient comment wrong but I looked that word up and it really doesn't mean respect or mutual respect or any such thing. Yikes.

The good old days

Just got a forwarded email about how we survived our mom's smoking and drinking while they were pregnant, we didn't have car seats, or bike helmets and kids were not overweight because...they had friends and played with them all day -- until the street lights went on. Well, I am here to say, first of all, I despise "good ol days" shit like that. While I do think parents are more bound by social pressure to hover and thus children are more bound I distinctly remember several fat-ass kids in my neighborhood growing up. And they played right along side us. I recall another childhood friend who had diabetes. I remember getting 20 frickin stitches from a bike wreck in which a helmet surely would have helped (thanks, Mom, for the FREEDOM!!).

I am all for kids playing but let's not mystify the past or pulverize the present. When you are willing to unplug from the TV or the computer (if you are reading this you are not quite there yet!), take all of your kids' electronics away, throw out the seat belts and bike helmets and send your kids out in the morning with the instructions to return before the street lights come on then forward away. If you are not then just stop. Stop it. Go find your kid (probably somewhere playing video games or watching TV) and play with him or her instead of sending me that crap.

Signed,
grouchy adult whose mom smoked and drank while pregnant

Tsunami Mommy

I can't seem to get this right. I have an eternal quest to achieve happiness or peace or that "nirvana" type feeling I keep reading about in all my self-help books. I want to be that calm, laid back parent who deals with everything in a Mike Bradyesque pep talk. All you have to do is choose to be happy, choose to be calm. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, exhale, notice my breath in, breath out, calm my thoughts, feel peaceful. Nope. Not working.

I realize I can do the above successfully under one of the following two circumstances:
1.) when everything around me is going swimmingly (this is also when I just can't fathom why others are so darn stressed out -- just meditate, people)
2.) in a crisis situation

There is no peace for me in the in between. Which translates to everyday life. I think I suck at it. I walk around most of the time judging myself so harshly that my mind spends its days in the fetal position. Consequently I tend to judge others harshly as well. But I only do this inside my mind. I rarely express those thoughts out loud. I know that only bad people judge others, right? Which starts the endless, reckless cycle of me thinking I am a bad person all the while stuffing those thoughts as deeply as they can possibly go. Until...I blow up at my family. Now I do believe hormones play a part in this because my severe blow ups happen once a month at the exact same time. But I can't help but wonder if I didn't stuff down so much would there be anything that needed to explode out of me?

So this morning was my monthly tsunami. I wake up knowing but not fully conscious of the fact that something is gonna happen today. I feel I need to run but I don't. I can just sit here calmly amidst the stack of dishes from last night, the mound of laundry, and relax like everyone else here seems to do. I can watch cartoons and eat my cereal and not worry that the chores won't get done or the groceries won't be bought. I can toast one child's bread for exactly the right amount of time and spread the butter to cover every visible part of the bread just as she likes it while I pour cereal and mix oatmeal and make coffee for myself. I can do all of this and I can also relax I tell myself. But as it turns out I really can't. I just read a funny quote from a mom who said "multitasking causes yelling." She's right. If I can do one thing only or nothing I will never yell. But today I did. I yelled. I slammed things. I threw a grown up fit.

If my kids did this I would tell them to go to their room and take a nap because no one acts like that unless they are tired. Sleep all day please I would tell them. And maybe grab a snack on your way because maybe you are hungry as well. Your basic needs must not be met if your mind is acting out in this way. But why don't I tell myself this? Why don't I just go running? Why don't I just go take a nap? Now I have the aftermath of my fit to deal with. And I know it is my own fault, my own lack of self control. Luckily for me my family is forgiving and understanding. If only my mind were half that forgiving. In the meantime I'd better go grab a snack and take a long, long nap.

Why We Do What We Do

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and she said something that really made me think. She said her family doesn't talk about anything they just eat or drink instead and stuff all the problems down. I can completely relate to that. I have been thinking about the comment a lot in relation to my interest in nutrition. Specifically I am curious why we all do what we do. Myself included.

Why do we drink and eat things that are bad for us even when we know they are bad for us? Maybe some of us are in relatively good health so the bad things in moderation can be easily rationalized as okay. I probably lean toward that. The whole picture has to be what we look at. But then why are there folks who are in serious medical danger who also still do these things? Some of it has to come back to how we learned to deal with the non physical aspects of being human. Namely our emotions.

It was brought to the forefront today when my mom stopped by to pick up her Market Day order. We have bonded through our mutual respect for the convenience of this grade school fundraising device. In other words, food has bonded us together. Even if only vaguely this food pick up was the reason I saw her today on a day I otherwise would not have seen her. I've noticed we barely really talk about anything real or serious. If it verges close to something with depth or feelings involved the conversation is quickly steered in a different direction. For example, she talks about seeing my ex sister-in-law and the awkwardness but then mentioned she was at least more pleasant than when they were married. Disdain is written all over these comments. I bite my tongue because I don't want to mention the thought in my head which is, "Well, at least you aren't going to Myrtle Beach to golf with her, mom..."

What did I do when she left? I sat down to sort out my feelings with some good friends. You might have heard of them, especially this time of year. Tag-a-longs and samoas. After the boxes were finished(yep, finished) I didn't feel much better but at least I felt full.

F'in Pyramid Parties

My negativity cannot be sidetracked for long. I frickin HATE "fill in the blank" Parties. You know, the ones where a friend or relative sucks you in by inviting you to their home for some sort of party where some sort of (mostly) useless product will be displayed. Then you will feel obligated to buy some useless thing at this party so you don't look like a schmuck. I have been able to avoid this for some time now by simply not attending these stupid parties. I made the mistake of attending one -- out of guilt -- because the friend is recently divorced, needs some money, etc, etc. I went to the party for a surreal, out of body experience as I floated above myself screaming silently the entire time, "WHY AM I HERE? I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM SITTING HERE WASTING MY TIME LIKE THIS! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

To add the "bamboo shoots under my nail" for the afternoon the gathering started with a game. The same type of game one might play the first day back from summer vacation in grade school. The one that corporate trainers through lack of creativity have latched onto for grown up trainings. Yes. And now these mind numbing, irritating things have hit the home party circuit. Could it really be any worse? Probably. But not today.

I vow with google blogger as my witness that I will not accept another of these invitations ever, ever, ever, ever again. And should anyone be reading this who sells any "stuff" and you really need the money I have an alternative for you. At least when it comes to me. Ask me for money. I will gladly hand you over all the money in my wallet in exchange for never being invited to a home party again.

Run Interrupted

This morning I woke up at 7a.m. and readied myself for a run. I haven't been running outside for some time due my quirky aversion to falling on ice. Today was beautiful. My goal was to do an easy 6 miler. All signs pointed to a perfect morning as I put on my shoes -- GTC graciously woke up early, O didn't complain about me leaving, the girls were still asleep -- but then. Of course, something usually gets in the way. I now think some part of me creates obstacles for myself when somewhere deep inside my body or mind doesn't really want to run. The problem was I really needed to go...potty...but my body wasn't cooperating. I know many runners wake up early in order to take care of this bodily function. But I couldn't. There is nothing worse than being in the middle of a course and having an emergent situation. I won't get any more graphic. Deciding I had to get moving now or never I went ahead out the door despite my body's slight discomfort. I accepted that if I could only do 3 miles it was okay. Around 7:15 I departed.

As soon as I walked outside I knew that would not be okay. The sun was shining. The air was clear, crisp, exhilarating. Then my mind hatched a plan. I would run 3 to the rec center, take care of business and finish off with at least 3 miles more. Today I felt like I could run forever. Perfect plan. But then. Another snag. I approached the doors, the ones that automatically slide open and just in time, too. But they didn't open. The rec center doesn't open on Saturdays until 8. I walked around for a couple of minutes trying to decide how much more I could manage without relief. I decided just to wait it out at the front door.

It was here that I encountered a woman waiting. A very friendly, morning person. She immediately greeted me with a hearty "Good Morning!" along with about 5-7 rapid fire questions/comments. I thought to myself, "just my luck. My rhythm is interrupted. I have to poo AND I have to endure this mindless chatter of a stranger." But something interesting happened as she continued to talk. I started to relate to her. I learned about her recent divorce, her age (64), her struggle with weight gain, her recent weight loss of 34 pounds, her niece's passion for running, her friend who had gastric bypass surgery. And this was all in less than ten minutes. I started to see her face morph into that of my mother-in-law. A woman I both admire and love. Then more people began to gather at the door waiting for the building to open. A young gentleman joined the conversation. I thought him only polite at first because the others in line were avoiding eye contact and awkwardly ignoring the talking woman.

The man who joined us then said, "I have lost 195 pounds in the last 18 months." I was immediately interested. The friendly woman began asking questions one of which was "HOW?" The man replied, "I hate to call it a lifestyle change because that's too simplistic. I mean I have changed my daily routine, of course, but even people who aren't overweight should probably do that. I still have 40 pounds to go to get me to 235 -- but that's half my body weight when I started. I have had to change my entire relationship with food. That was the key." I was awestruck because this is exactly what I've been saying for the last several months. The two of them continued to talk and I sort of phased myself out and retreated into my own thoughts. I was standing there amazed that this annoying delay in my wonderful run had turned into a pretty cool moment of awareness.

When it comes to health everyone has their story, their challenges, their issues. But it's all the same whether you are a 64-year-old recently divorced woman, a twenty-something man wanting to lose an entire 235 lb person, a runner, someone with an illness or disease, a wound tight heart attack waiting to happen or a couch potato. Food might be your weakness. Caffeine might be your vice. Type A personality might be the undoing of your good health. Kudos to the two people I had the good fortune to meet today and to anyone else making any change, no matter the size, toward better health.

Yep. We're Fat.

The results are in.

Ohio is fat. Among the fattest in fact. We rank somewhere around 11th out of the 50 states though it may just be the "lower 48" that make up these stats since Hawaiians have always been fat and Alaskans were all out shooting their dinner or campaigning and could not be reached for inclusion in any study.

I guess it's not really all that surprising. I felt a small bit of tension when I scrolled down and saw us on the list. But then I did a quick mental survey of the landscape and realized, yeah, though I don't travel much this must be accurate. It brings me back to my latest obsession which is nutrition.

Once I start reading on a subject it usually steamrolls until I've read no less than 10 or 20 books on the subject. This time I actually attended a meeting at OSU regarding re-enrolling in school to get another degree. This time in HUMAN NUTRITION. As I learn more and more I learn both things I already knew and also things I was not aware of. But through it all I believe nutrition can be boiled down to a few simple, easy steps that most of us will refuse to follow thereby solidifying my future job prospects as a Dietician. Things like: Exercise. Now. Doesn't matter how much or how intense. Something is better than nothing. Even if it's Wii Just Dance, or cleaning or walking around the block or jumping up and down ten times with your child. Something is better than nothing. Should I repeat that again? and try to eat stuff that grew from a plant instead of food that was killed every once in a while. Or maybe don't ingest so much alcohol or caffeine or sugar or fast food and so on.

But I don't think those tips are going to get anyone thin or keep anyone thin. I think a huge shift in thinking has to occur before the epidemic of obesity begins to abate. As a society we want everything comfortable and quick. That's all we ask, right? Is it really so much? For example, we want to be able to abuse our bodies with one or many substances for decades while simultaneously depriving our bodies of other life affirming substances and activities and when we come down with illness we want a cure, dammit. We want a prescription. And we want it in a little yellowish, brown bottle that we can drive through the pharmacy to pick up. We do not want it to be too large or to taste bad or to have any effects aside from PRESTO! magically disappearing whatever it is that ails us! If we can't have that bottle then our next desire is a quick, painless, and inexpensive procedure, surgery, treatment, etc. But then we want to go back home, open a beer and some chips and sit on the couch and watch "The Biggest Loser" so we can feel like it's really not so bad.

For those more motivated we want to peruse the library or the bookstore wellness sections and take home books or magazines with titles like "Lose 40 pounds in 40 days" or "Only 6 minutes a day to your perfect body" or "Lose weight and be healthy without any change in your diet." Or maybe more pills can help with this end of it. Maybe we can take a pill and then sit on the couch as the pounds and damages to our bodies melt away.

I know it's difficult. I've struggled for years with weight. And now feel it's finally under control. But only because I've made that connection between me and food and wellness. I don't just think being a healthy weight is what it's about though. I think once we decide that we want to be healthy and we know it will take major eating, activity and mindset changes and we accept that it will be for a lifetime vs. in "4 minutes a day!" then we can make these changes slowly and gradually. Instead of telling our kids they can't have the cupcake on Valentine's Day we can let that slide and vow not to drive through for dinner for awhile. Instead of having six beers we could settle on one or two. We could do push ups or sit ups while we watch TV. I dunno...

It ain't gonna be comfortable and it's not gonna be quick. But it has to be done.

God Complex

It is often said that doctors develop an overabundance of self-confidence due to the value or impact of their work. Or maybe it could be accredited to the endless hours of study and labor they have logged which have served to wear down whatever section of the brain usually tempers feelings of immortality. In any case, I find myself drawing a parallel in my mind between this group and this phenomenon associated with them and another group -- teachers.

I read in an article recently that most doctors are not trained at all in the area of nutrition. I received this same bit of information some years ago when talking to my sister-in-law who happens to be a doctor of medicine. It seems an odd deficit of knowledge given that would seem a major component of the job. Does a mechanic know how to prevent the problems they fix? of course. But doctors don't. And here's where it hit me that teachers are similar.

Teachers are commissioned to teach. In doing so they most assuredly are expected to have an effect upon students' brains. Yet beyond a couple of early child development classes (or insert whatever age applies) there is no academic concentration on the main focus of their job. How the brain works. Perhaps a thorough knowledge of the intricate organ are not necessary. More to the point might be human or child psychology. Or how to deal with people. None of these areas of study are core components of teaching.

The next thought that occurs to me is almost panic. I have handed my children over to these people and though I do trust the physical safety of my child is in tact I start to wonder just how these people have learned to deal with people or children. What is their method of interaction? From what philosophical tradition do they pull their methods? I draw a blank. And then I realize their method of interaction likely falls mainly to their personality type and one other very tenuous thing. Their upbringing.

By upbringing I mean the methods of reward, punishment or guidance that they experienced in growing up. The main source of which is their parents. The next would be their teachers. All very fallible indeed.

Then it hits me. The point of this rambling -- they are only human. So when you are at that conference remember this. They are not god. Their word is only their opinion. Too many times children are placed in a category or box which they are completely unsuited for and which is primarily based upon the opinion of one person. My advice to myself given these thoughts is to respect the authority of the teacher but also listen to myself. Take their advice as opinion. Apply it if it seems useful or pertinent. If it does not thank them for their opinion and put stock in your child.

Listen to your child. Be aware of the filters you employ as you listen to your child. Try to strip away the judgments bestowed upon you in your own childhood by parents or teachers. Listen. This seems to me the best tool I can use in raising healthy, happy children.