aholeonapc

Birthdays

2011-10-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yippee. My birthday is approaching. I am so excited. Not really. But on the up side of things I don't have a desire to lock myself in a room and cut off all contact on this day. My father is sort of like that. As I age and try to figure out what makes that man tick the birthday and father's day self-beatings he administers boggle my mind.

Don't get me wrong I totally get not wanting to be the center of attention with lots of crazy hoopla or ever worse a surprise party. I am on board with hiding and invisibility but my dad seems to want to treat his special days with disdain and emotional violence aimed at himself. What I have realized as a parent though is birthdays are so completely not about the person who has been birthed, not as a child, not as an adult, not ever -- with the possible exception of tween years when a child may plan the party and take charge of it without parental influence and vision. Those are awesome years of oblivion and bliss along with utter social panic. Before that age a kid may envision their party but the parent controls it. "Oh, Susie, you'd like a clown who makes balloon animals and a bouncy house? Great. The trampoline with a bag of .89 balloons is all set for you!" Parents envision their child's party and likes more than the child. Beyond childhood and tween years most well adjusted teens are not interested in that hoopla and I don't care what Vh1 has to say about that.

But most certainly the day of birth is not about me the mom. Now there do exist adults who enjoy their day and take control of it planning parties and what- not and....yea, I know it's annoying, isn't it? There is a reason for that. Birthdays are about making those around you feel good. Most especially if you are a parent. So this year I finally get it. I submit. Bring on the tacky restaurant singers and the free sundaes. Bring on the homemade gifts and tshirts bought last minute at target. My kids will absolutely love it. And so will I.

Grade School=anxiety

2011-10-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

There is something about being near, in or around my children's elementary school that causes me anxiety. I am not sure if it is exclusive to the school because I get a similar feeling in any group setting. As stupid as it may sound I am fairly certain this has to do with memories from my own grade school that are less than positive.

I should be clear that I was not a victim of bullying nor did I have academic or behavioral issues. I got along with most teachers and most people. I wasn't popular or unpopular. But I was acutely aware of my status as neither of those two things. I think I have spent the better part of my life and a great deal of energy maintaining that "neither here no there" status. I strive for pleasant invisibility whenever possible.

I guess when I am at my kids' school it is no longer just me I am aware of. I suppose wondering what the teachers, kids, moms think of me and them is what plagues me. I see the cliquish nature of the moms and teachers. And you can see it in the kids as well. What if my daughter is invisible but doesn't want to be? What if she is unhappy? Maybe this is the root of my uncomfortableness at school. In addition I am aware of a certain force parents put on their children to strive for success. For example, student council/mini popularity contest. I don't really exert that on my kids. But perhaps I should? Having kids in school is a tricky business. Until I find better answers to my anxiety I intend to send in money and baked goods and hold onto my identity of pleasant invisibility.

Free Of Facebook Anonymous(FOFA)

2011-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

"My name is aholeonapc, and I have been clean for 6 days, 3 hours and 17 minutes. My rock bottom moment on Faceboook was..." Yep. That's right. Free of Facebook. And I have to say I feel great. Yes, I have to take it day by day sometimes even minute by minute. I am in the process of forgiving those whose posts caused me great irritation and seeking forgiveness in a general sense for any of my posts or comments that may have done damage. My soul feels light. And my time has become unexpectedly plentiful. Some specific benefits of deleting my FB account are as follows:

* I no longer have to deceive people with the lie when they start talking excitedly about facebook that, "Oh, yeah, I'm rarely on there. I only check it a couple times a week."

* Gone are the days when a "friend" inquires whether I read their post and I have to feign ignorance since they obviously seem to have expected me to comment or care if I had read it. When in fact I HAD read it, thought it stupid, indulgent or otherwise completely unnecessary but at the moment had the rare good sense to simply ignore it.

*No more posting and subsequent checking to see who might like me, err, I mean my posts.

*No more cringing at intensely personal sentiments that rightly belong in a real conversation with real friends.

*Embarrassment for "friends" who drunk post is now absent and again reserved for myself in every day life.

*I am spared from knowing which groups, clubs, books, shows, sites, commercial establishments, clothes, pizzas, brands of fingernail clipper, any of my 100+ plus friends like at any given moment.

Finally, the best result of deleting my FB account is a sense of honesty with myself. It is a start on my road to recovery. I can stand up and shout, "I REALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE!!!" without self consciousness or shame.

Dirt Pile or Lego Star Wars???

2011-09-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/online-gamers-crack-aids-enzyme-puzzle-161920724.html Headline reads, "Online Gamers Crack AIDS enzyme Puzzle"

Fascinating to me that a group of gamers could come up with this. On the other hand, I am wondering why all scientific problems that can be mapped in this way aren't expedited to the game room in Foldit.. I watch my 4 year old play a game, Lego Star Wars, that is mind boggling to me and has little pattern or point to me yet he can go on for hours if I let him passing all the levels and solving...something.

I read a book recently called Radical Evolution which discusses the future merging of man and machine. It contained a lot of food for thought that turned my skepticism during the first chapters into belief by the last few. It all makes sense though. And why not? We have prosthetic limbs, artificial parts, not to mention performance enhancing drugs. Why would we balk at the idea that drugs or micro chips might soon replace the daily gummi chewable for our children? "Here, honey, please take your daily intelligence booster. You have a math test today." (The movie "Limitless" which I happened to watch yesterday also gives an interesting take on a variation of the concept. )

Being somewhat of a humanist and not at all a gamer (not that the two are mutually exclusive) I tend to have a knee jerk reaction to theories and ideas such as these. I think the human condition is above all this tinkering and "cheating." Yet as I age and see the advances in science and technology I have become quite interested. I realize my reaction is in part due to the fact that I don't want to be that 65 year old that needs her grandchild to program her electronics. I want to keep up.

It was stated in the above book that if an adult could make it 10-20 years in reasonable good health that they would be set for a long, long life. Some of these people are seriously planning finances to stretch for hundreds of years. This is no joke to them.

So what point or lesson can we gather from this? For one thing, all the studies that electronics are bad for our kids might not hold as much water. I know mine will play on the computer or Wii for hours but will also play on a dirt pile for hours. I wonder how we came to the conclusion that dirt piles provide them with a greater educational opportunity. Maybe back in the day when dirt piles were competing with pong but those days are gone. The great and wonderful days of kids playing with the cardboard box, fashioning it into a cool go-cart now are going up against programs where kids can build virtual cars with accurate engineering specs.

For another thing, we might want to climb onto the technology rail and hold on tight because this thing is moving quickly. It's likely to run over anyone not on board.

It's been awhile

2011-08-21T12:49:00.001-07:00

I haven't been able to post in quite some time due mostly to a lack of ideas and energy to write more than one sentence. I might be able to muster up a disjointed paragraph or two today. Readers will need a short attention span and no desire to make any connections or receive any points. There will be none.

First, I was irate yesterday after reading an article in the newspaper. A catholic bishop whose name I don't care enough about to go back and note relayed the pronouncement that in Columbus its churches and schools were not to support Komen because some of the money supports abortion (planned parenthood) and stem-cell research. Never mind that the cause also supports cancer research. We need to make sure we don't inadvertently support any organizations that may teach people how to avoid unwanted pregnancies. And we certainly wouldn't want anyone to use OUR money to find a cure for any genetic diseases. If cancer research suffers so be it. When you're right your right. Chalk up another win for the Columbus diocese.

Second, am I anti-social? This is a question I have been struggling with lately. Pretty sure the answer is yes and no. It really depends. Am I anti-social with neighbors? Most assuredly yes in terms of our neighborhood dynamic. I enjoy a few cookouts throughout the year and drinking a couple of beers. I think it's great if our kids play together. Where I draw my social line is in my personal involvement. I want contact with the neighbors and I want the kids to play but I do not want to stand out in the street every day with other adults watching the kids play. Is this bad? My husband handles the socializing on our street. And as for adult relationships my friend card was filled to maximum capacity (5) many years ago. I think some of us have a lower tolerance for idle chitter chatter. Hopefully I am not seen as rude of inconsiderate due to my inabilities to play nice.

Third, school is about to begin again. Can. not. wait. A house full of grouchy and/or bored folks is really starting to get to me. That's all on that.

Fourth, who is that Michelle lady thinking of running for president? Is she for real? And aren't there ANY women who might consider running that are not socially ultra conservative? Maybe the press got that subservient comment wrong but I looked that word up and it really doesn't mean respect or mutual respect or any such thing. Yikes.

The good old days

2011-07-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Just got a forwarded email about how we survived our mom's smoking and drinking while they were pregnant, we didn't have car seats, or bike helmets and kids were not overweight because...they had friends and played with them all day -- until the street lights went on. Well, I am here to say, first of all, I despise "good ol days" shit like that. While I do think parents are more bound by social pressure to hover and thus children are more bound I distinctly remember several fat-ass kids in my neighborhood growing up. And they played right along side us. I recall another childhood friend who had diabetes. I remember getting 20 frickin stitches from a bike wreck in which a helmet surely would have helped (thanks, Mom, for the FREEDOM!!).

I am all for kids playing but let's not mystify the past or pulverize the present. When you are willing to unplug from the TV or the computer (if you are reading this you are not quite there yet!), take all of your kids' electronics away, throw out the seat belts and bike helmets and send your kids out in the morning with the instructions to return before the street lights come on then forward away. If you are not then just stop. Stop it. Go find your kid (probably somewhere playing video games or watching TV) and play with him or her instead of sending me that crap.

Signed,
grouchy adult whose mom smoked and drank while pregnant

Tsunami Mommy

2011-05-01T11:00:00.001-07:00

I can't seem to get this right. I have an eternal quest to achieve happiness or peace or that "nirvana" type feeling I keep reading about in all my self-help books. I want to be that calm, laid back parent who deals with everything in a Mike Bradyesque pep talk. All you have to do is choose to be happy, choose to be calm. Close my eyes, take a deep breath in, exhale, notice my breath in, breath out, calm my thoughts, feel peaceful. Nope. Not working.

I realize I can do the above successfully under one of the following two circumstances:
1.) when everything around me is going swimmingly (this is also when I just can't fathom why others are so darn stressed out -- just meditate, people)
2.) in a crisis situation

There is no peace for me in the in between. Which translates to everyday life. I think I suck at it. I walk around most of the time judging myself so harshly that my mind spends its days in the fetal position. Consequently I tend to judge others harshly as well. But I only do this inside my mind. I rarely express those thoughts out loud. I know that only bad people judge others, right? Which starts the endless, reckless cycle of me thinking I am a bad person all the while stuffing those thoughts as deeply as they can possibly go. Until...I blow up at my family. Now I do believe hormones play a part in this because my severe blow ups happen once a month at the exact same time. But I can't help but wonder if I didn't stuff down so much would there be anything that needed to explode out of me?

So this morning was my monthly tsunami. I wake up knowing but not fully conscious of the fact that something is gonna happen today. I feel I need to run but I don't. I can just sit here calmly amidst the stack of dishes from last night, the mound of laundry, and relax like everyone else here seems to do. I can watch cartoons and eat my cereal and not worry that the chores won't get done or the groceries won't be bought. I can toast one child's bread for exactly the right amount of time and spread the butter to cover every visible part of the bread just as she likes it while I pour cereal and mix oatmeal and make coffee for myself. I can do all of this and I can also relax I tell myself. But as it turns out I really can't. I just read a funny quote from a mom who said "multitasking causes yelling." She's right. If I can do one thing only or nothing I will never yell. But today I did. I yelled. I slammed things. I threw a grown up fit.

If my kids did this I would tell them to go to their room and take a nap because no one acts like that unless they are tired. Sleep all day please I would tell them. And maybe grab a snack on your way because maybe you are hungry as well. Your basic needs must not be met if your mind is acting out in this way. But why don't I tell myself this? Why don't I just go running? Why don't I just go take a nap? Now I have the aftermath of my fit to deal with. And I know it is my own fault, my own lack of self control. Luckily for me my family is forgiving and understanding. If only my mind were half that forgiving. In the meantime I'd better go grab a snack and take a long, long nap.

Why We Do What We Do

2011-03-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and she said something that really made me think. She said her family doesn't talk about anything they just eat or drink instead and stuff all the problems down. I can completely relate to that. I have been thinking about the comment a lot in relation to my interest in nutrition. Specifically I am curious why we all do what we do. Myself included.

Why do we drink and eat things that are bad for us even when we know they are bad for us? Maybe some of us are in relatively good health so the bad things in moderation can be easily rationalized as okay. I probably lean toward that. The whole picture has to be what we look at. But then why are there folks who are in serious medical danger who also still do these things? Some of it has to come back to how we learned to deal with the non physical aspects of being human. Namely our emotions.

It was brought to the forefront today when my mom stopped by to pick up her Market Day order. We have bonded through our mutual respect for the convenience of this grade school fundraising device. In other words, food has bonded us together. Even if only vaguely this food pick up was the reason I saw her today on a day I otherwise would not have seen her. I've noticed we barely really talk about anything real or serious. If it verges close to something with depth or feelings involved the conversation is quickly steered in a different direction. For example, she talks about seeing my ex sister-in-law and the awkwardness but then mentioned she was at least more pleasant than when they were married. Disdain is written all over these comments. I bite my tongue because I don't want to mention the thought in my head which is, "Well, at least you aren't going to Myrtle Beach to golf with her, mom..."

What did I do when she left? I sat down to sort out my feelings with some good friends. You might have heard of them, especially this time of year. Tag-a-longs and samoas. After the boxes were finished(yep, finished) I didn't feel much better but at least I felt full.

F'in Pyramid Parties

2011-02-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

My negativity cannot be sidetracked for long. I frickin HATE "fill in the blank" Parties. You know, the ones where a friend or relative sucks you in by inviting you to their home for some sort of party where some sort of (mostly) useless product will be displayed. Then you will feel obligated to buy some useless thing at this party so you don't look like a schmuck. I have been able to avoid this for some time now by simply not attending these stupid parties. I made the mistake of attending one -- out of guilt -- because the friend is recently divorced, needs some money, etc, etc. I went to the party for a surreal, out of body experience as I floated above myself screaming silently the entire time, "WHY AM I HERE? I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM SITTING HERE WASTING MY TIME LIKE THIS! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

To add the "bamboo shoots under my nail" for the afternoon the gathering started with a game. The same type of game one might play the first day back from summer vacation in grade school. The one that corporate trainers through lack of creativity have latched onto for grown up trainings. Yes. And now these mind numbing, irritating things have hit the home party circuit. Could it really be any worse? Probably. But not today.

I vow with google blogger as my witness that I will not accept another of these invitations ever, ever, ever, ever again. And should anyone be reading this who sells any "stuff" and you really need the money I have an alternative for you. At least when it comes to me. Ask me for money. I will gladly hand you over all the money in my wallet in exchange for never being invited to a home party again.

Run Interrupted

2011-02-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up at 7a.m. and readied myself for a run. I haven't been running outside for some time due my quirky aversion to falling on ice. Today was beautiful. My goal was to do an easy 6 miler. All signs pointed to a perfect morning as I put on my shoes -- GTC graciously woke up early, O didn't complain about me leaving, the girls were still asleep -- but then. Of course, something usually gets in the way. I now think some part of me creates obstacles for myself when somewhere deep inside my body or mind doesn't really want to run. The problem was I really needed to go...potty...but my body wasn't cooperating. I know many runners wake up early in order to take care of this bodily function. But I couldn't. There is nothing worse than being in the middle of a course and having an emergent situation. I won't get any more graphic. Deciding I had to get moving now or never I went ahead out the door despite my body's slight discomfort. I accepted that if I could only do 3 miles it was okay. Around 7:15 I departed.

As soon as I walked outside I knew that would not be okay. The sun was shining. The air was clear, crisp, exhilarating. Then my mind hatched a plan. I would run 3 to the rec center, take care of business and finish off with at least 3 miles more. Today I felt like I could run forever. Perfect plan. But then. Another snag. I approached the doors, the ones that automatically slide open and just in time, too. But they didn't open. The rec center doesn't open on Saturdays until 8. I walked around for a couple of minutes trying to decide how much more I could manage without relief. I decided just to wait it out at the front door.

It was here that I encountered a woman waiting. A very friendly, morning person. She immediately greeted me with a hearty "Good Morning!" along with about 5-7 rapid fire questions/comments. I thought to myself, "just my luck. My rhythm is interrupted. I have to poo AND I have to endure this mindless chatter of a stranger." But something interesting happened as she continued to talk. I started to relate to her. I learned about her recent divorce, her age (64), her struggle with weight gain, her recent weight loss of 34 pounds, her niece's passion for running, her friend who had gastric bypass surgery. And this was all in less than ten minutes. I started to see her face morph into that of my mother-in-law. A woman I both admire and love. Then more people began to gather at the door waiting for the building to open. A young gentleman joined the conversation. I thought him only polite at first because the others in line were avoiding eye contact and awkwardly ignoring the talking woman.

The man who joined us then said, "I have lost 195 pounds in the last 18 months." I was immediately interested. The friendly woman began asking questions one of which was "HOW?" The man replied, "I hate to call it a lifestyle change because that's too simplistic. I mean I have changed my daily routine, of course, but even people who aren't overweight should probably do that. I still have 40 pounds to go to get me to 235 -- but that's half my body weight when I started. I have had to change my entire relationship with food. That was the key." I was awestruck because this is exactly what I've been saying for the last several months. The two of them continued to talk and I sort of phased myself out and retreated into my own thoughts. I was standing there amazed that this annoying delay in my wonderful run had turned into a pretty cool moment of awareness.

When it comes to health everyone has their story, their challenges, their issues. But it's all the same whether you are a 64-year-old recently divorced woman, a twenty-something man wanting to lose an entire 235 lb person, a runner, someone with an illness or disease, a wound tight heart attack waiting to happen or a couch potato. Food might be your weakness. Caffeine might be your vice. Type A personality might be the undoing of your good health. Kudos to the two people I had the good fortune to meet today and to anyone else making any change, no matter the size, toward better health.

Yep. We're Fat.

2011-02-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

The results are in.

Ohio is fat. Among the fattest in fact. We rank somewhere around 11th out of the 50 states though it may just be the "lower 48" that make up these stats since Hawaiians have always been fat and Alaskans were all out shooting their dinner or campaigning and could not be reached for inclusion in any study.

I guess it's not really all that surprising. I felt a small bit of tension when I scrolled down and saw us on the list. But then I did a quick mental survey of the landscape and realized, yeah, though I don't travel much this must be accurate. It brings me back to my latest obsession which is nutrition.

Once I start reading on a subject it usually steamrolls until I've read no less than 10 or 20 books on the subject. This time I actually attended a meeting at OSU regarding re-enrolling in school to get another degree. This time in HUMAN NUTRITION. As I learn more and more I learn both things I already knew and also things I was not aware of. But through it all I believe nutrition can be boiled down to a few simple, easy steps that most of us will refuse to follow thereby solidifying my future job prospects as a Dietician. Things like: Exercise. Now. Doesn't matter how much or how intense. Something is better than nothing. Even if it's Wii Just Dance, or cleaning or walking around the block or jumping up and down ten times with your child. Something is better than nothing. Should I repeat that again? and try to eat stuff that grew from a plant instead of food that was killed every once in a while. Or maybe don't ingest so much alcohol or caffeine or sugar or fast food and so on.

But I don't think those tips are going to get anyone thin or keep anyone thin. I think a huge shift in thinking has to occur before the epidemic of obesity begins to abate. As a society we want everything comfortable and quick. That's all we ask, right? Is it really so much? For example, we want to be able to abuse our bodies with one or many substances for decades while simultaneously depriving our bodies of other life affirming substances and activities and when we come down with illness we want a cure, dammit. We want a prescription. And we want it in a little yellowish, brown bottle that we can drive through the pharmacy to pick up. We do not want it to be too large or to taste bad or to have any effects aside from PRESTO! magically disappearing whatever it is that ails us! If we can't have that bottle then our next desire is a quick, painless, and inexpensive procedure, surgery, treatment, etc. But then we want to go back home, open a beer and some chips and sit on the couch and watch "The Biggest Loser" so we can feel like it's really not so bad.

For those more motivated we want to peruse the library or the bookstore wellness sections and take home books or magazines with titles like "Lose 40 pounds in 40 days" or "Only 6 minutes a day to your perfect body" or "Lose weight and be healthy without any change in your diet." Or maybe more pills can help with this end of it. Maybe we can take a pill and then sit on the couch as the pounds and damages to our bodies melt away.

I know it's difficult. I've struggled for years with weight. And now feel it's finally under control. But only because I've made that connection between me and food and wellness. I don't just think being a healthy weight is what it's about though. I think once we decide that we want to be healthy and we know it will take major eating, activity and mindset changes and we accept that it will be for a lifetime vs. in "4 minutes a day!" then we can make these changes slowly and gradually. Instead of telling our kids they can't have the cupcake on Valentine's Day we can let that slide and vow not to drive through for dinner for awhile. Instead of having six beers we could settle on one or two. We could do push ups or sit ups while we watch TV. I dunno...

It ain't gonna be comfortable and it's not gonna be quick. But it has to be done.

God Complex

2011-01-20T03:34:00.001-08:00

It is often said that doctors develop an overabundance of self-confidence due to the value or impact of their work. Or maybe it could be accredited to the endless hours of study and labor they have logged which have served to wear down whatever section of the brain usually tempers feelings of immortality. In any case, I find myself drawing a parallel in my mind between this group and this phenomenon associated with them and another group -- teachers.

I read in an article recently that most doctors are not trained at all in the area of nutrition. I received this same bit of information some years ago when talking to my sister-in-law who happens to be a doctor of medicine. It seems an odd deficit of knowledge given that would seem a major component of the job. Does a mechanic know how to prevent the problems they fix? of course. But doctors don't. And here's where it hit me that teachers are similar.

Teachers are commissioned to teach. In doing so they most assuredly are expected to have an effect upon students' brains. Yet beyond a couple of early child development classes (or insert whatever age applies) there is no academic concentration on the main focus of their job. How the brain works. Perhaps a thorough knowledge of the intricate organ are not necessary. More to the point might be human or child psychology. Or how to deal with people. None of these areas of study are core components of teaching.

The next thought that occurs to me is almost panic. I have handed my children over to these people and though I do trust the physical safety of my child is in tact I start to wonder just how these people have learned to deal with people or children. What is their method of interaction? From what philosophical tradition do they pull their methods? I draw a blank. And then I realize their method of interaction likely falls mainly to their personality type and one other very tenuous thing. Their upbringing.

By upbringing I mean the methods of reward, punishment or guidance that they experienced in growing up. The main source of which is their parents. The next would be their teachers. All very fallible indeed.

Then it hits me. The point of this rambling -- they are only human. So when you are at that conference remember this. They are not god. Their word is only their opinion. Too many times children are placed in a category or box which they are completely unsuited for and which is primarily based upon the opinion of one person. My advice to myself given these thoughts is to respect the authority of the teacher but also listen to myself. Take their advice as opinion. Apply it if it seems useful or pertinent. If it does not thank them for their opinion and put stock in your child.

Listen to your child. Be aware of the filters you employ as you listen to your child. Try to strip away the judgments bestowed upon you in your own childhood by parents or teachers. Listen. This seems to me the best tool I can use in raising healthy, happy children.

Time To Clean the Closets

2010-11-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

Contract Hit or Accident?

2010-10-29T12:24:00.001-07:00

There is a news story about at the moment. A small one perhaps, but tragic as well. Apparently two, renegade, 4-year-old preschoolers took a festering vendetta to the streets of a New York neighborhood, the sidewalk to be exact, in an all-out, training wheels drag race. Rumors abound as to what the race was to settle but the fact remains that in the end neither child's playgroup could claim victory. In the end, an 87-year-old woman lay dead on the street. Well, not on the street, but in a hospital. And not that day but three months later. I know I don't have to emphasize the tragedy involved in a life taken too young and for no good reason.

It's not like the kids couldn't have played rock, paper, scissors or even raced upon foot like the good ol' days. That is neither here nor there as my mom likes to say. As the judge mentions in his opinion kids don't have carte blanche to engage in risky behavior. And I'll tell you we all know there is nothing riskier than racing on training wheels. Now there is a chain of events unfolding that a judge in NY has decided not to stop.

As our litigious society would have it the family of the woman has decided to sue the 4-year-olds. The NY judge has decided though the statute states any person 4 or under cannot be held liable at least one of these children was very close to 5. We can address the sound reasoning of this judge in another place. A woman is dead. At 87 who knows how many more decades she could have seen? The "what could have beens" swirl around in her family's imaginations as they all meet at Bill Knapp's for the weekly 4 o'clock dinner. Their sadness is palpable. Just as the families of the now school-aged children realize their dreams of private school are likely squashed due to the impending legal costs and potential settlement. No one wins here.

I can't help but ask the question "was this an accident or was this a contract hit?" Did these two, preschool gang bangers set out to snuff out a life? Maybe they should pay. Someone should always pay where there is a chance to sue and get paid. My worry now is knowing this won't solve anything. It won't bring back great grandma. Worse yet -- where does the violence end? After the lawsuit there is sure to be retribution likely meted out on the mean streets. And then we're just back to square one. Rodney King's voice rings through my memory at times like these. "Can't we all just get along?"

Therapy

2010-10-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, we all need it. I don't care who you are, where you come from and how well adjusted you believe yourself to be. You need it. Especially if you don't think you need it then you are most likely in desperate need of it. It doesn't have to be the traditional type where you sit uncomfortably in a chair and spill just a tad more than you would to your best girlfriend. It could be the kind where you peruse the self-help section of Barnes and Noble for hours trying to pinpoint which book will be of use. It could also be the tell it to a friend variety though that one is tricky because if you are telling it to the same friend or friends too often you start to get a reputation. People sort of run from you. They don't want to hear. Especially if it has anything remotely to do with them. Therapists and bookstores on the other hand are seeking this shit out. I say go to them. Pay the money. Even if you never feel your "issues" are actually resolved it really feels good for a while. Not unlike eating the entire box of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds after a particularly upsetting day. You know it's costing you but it feels oh so good. And you'd do it again.

Sometimes I feel very alone in this world though I immediately wonder if maybe emotionally I actually am alone or at least unique in a mixed DNA way. I start to think "it's just me" and I ruminate over every little stress in my life. I rethink every thought. This is what I call my "thought circles." I start to think of something that bugs me and eventually I have figured out a rationale for how I am the worst human being on earth relating to the original thing that bugs me. The circle then morphs into more of a cylindrical shape and this goes on in my head for hours. Medication, you say? Excellent idea. I am all for that as well.

So while I have blogged about nothing here and doubt you experience mental unhealth in exactly the same way I do I suggest you need help because, really, this can't just be me... can it?

Ahh weddings...

2010-09-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

"Mr and Mrs Boysfirstname Lastname request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter..." but leave your loud, snotty, stinky, trifling children AT HOME. This is perhaps my biggest pet peeve regarding weddings. Kids are not invited but the invitation is so cleverly worded I don't even realize it right away. As I highly doubt this particular family invite could have excluded children I come across the beautifully caligraphically depicted response card with tastefully cliche artwork. My options for responding are as follows:

__ Will attend with pleasure (my, my... aren't we feeling self-important?)
__ Must decline with regret ( " " " " " " " )
__ of 2 guest(s) attending

On this last line the "2" has been filled in with a sharpie. Not just a pen-- a permanent f'in marker.

I can move beyond the obnoxious choices but what I really don't understand and will never understand is how people can invite the adults only to a wedding. And this one is 6 hours away. So I am supposed to get an overnight and all day sitter so I can go to your wedding? What happened to all that family schmamily crap we shared at Christmastime? What happened to GTC busting his excel spreadsheet to try to get you Miami Tickets? You do know we have three kids, right?

I am resisting for now the urge to sharpie up the response card so it honestly reflects my intention and feeling behind that. It's the other side of the family so I'll let GTC take care of that part. I wish you well on your quiet, clean and perfect family, not family celebration.

It's sooo quiet

2010-09-11T07:53:00.001-07:00

My husband left for the game around 8 a.m. I left the house a little bit later with the three kids running several errands before dropping them off at my mom's house. Now I have a little over an hour in the house all by myself. All by myself. No one is here, no one is gonna be here, no one is asking me where anything is or asking me to get them something. I'm not cooking, cleaning, scrubbing, yelling, refereeing, cajoling or otherwise engaged in anything but this and I'll make this quick. In an hour I am supposed to hitch a ride down to campus to meet my husband for tailgating and the game. It is sooo quiet I could really get used to this. I may be coming down with a terrible case of that pesky 8 hour flu that I used to get sometimes when I worked outside of my home for pay. How awesome that would be. But today I will resist "calling in sick" and just enjoy this silent hour. Next time I may rethink this scenario.

Go Lambs!

2010-09-02T03:05:00.000-07:00

My husband and I secured a babysitter for the kids last night so we could attend our three year old's preschool parent orientation night. Now I can't figure out whether I am uber practical or a cold-hearted mom or maybe just normal but for the life of me I really can't stand those things. Generally speaking, anything that has the words "orientation" and "school" in it is most assuredly a colossal waste of time. Think first day of class in college. The only reason anyone goes that day is to check out the teacher, check out your classmates and to obtain the holy grail of that particular hour, the syllabus. The syllabus tells you what you're in for. You could go into it all blindly but better to be prepared. I often was able to accurately assess the boredom quotient of the class based on the professor's actions on the first day. If they handed you a syllabus and then proceeded to read aloud through said syllabus boredom quotient was high. Zero points for creativity and minus 5 points for not realizing college students mostly know how to read all on their own. If you are going to read something aloud at least make it some cool, fun picture book that we all remember from our youth.

Bringing my digression back to last night I think similar guidelines apply. If you hand me a packet of papers please trust that I can read and will read them or will at least keep them for future reference. If you ask me to be at your school for 1.5 hours and then read me stuff that I can read and almost extinguish my life with a powerpoint that you also read aloud but at a much slower rate than I do at least serve alcohol or ice cream. I know you care about kids and it's important that the school is accredited and the staff is well trained. I do want to meet you, the teachers, fellow parents and receive my "syllabus" along with other pertinent information or tips that may not be contained in it. According to my calculations, factoring in a $10 per hour sitter, all of this should take no more than 30 minutes. Accreditation is awesome but a concise orientation would blow me away.

But we've never been that lucky with these things and last night met my every expectation. Exceeded, really, since it is also worth noting that this is a christian preschool located conveniently across the street from our home(that part for anyone wondering why I chose this school). The evening started with a word from our pastor. Pastor Jim. Oh, what a character. So warm and inviting and god fearing. He let us know that each new student would get a kids illustrated bible. Joy. I wonder how that Sodom and Gomorrah bit is covered. Good bedtime reading. But I jest. I know it's a nice, dancey, happy version of the bible. That's the same version of life I am currently feeding my son. We have to start slow on the spirit and creativity squelching.

While I'm on the subject of Pastor Jim he did stir up one big question in me last night. Why do people close their eyes when then pray? He said it was time for the (inevitable) prayer and he closed his eyes. I saw several others in the audience quickly do the same. I thought maybe they were embarrassed. Or maybe there is some imagination that takes place behind those closed eyes. Or probably their parents did and their parents before them and so on. But where did it start? I have to research that one.

But we made it through the evening deftly avoiding the last half hour by claiming our sitter had to be home. I am proud of myself for not running out the door when I heard "greetings from our lord the savior christ..." They were not able to detect my unbelieving status and our kid is officially on the lamb team. god help me.

I Vow

2010-08-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have turned into an adult. No-- a parent. Okay, okay, I'll come clean. I have officially turned into my parents. This morning I yelled at the top of my lungs at my 8 year old daughter. I wish I were exaggerating. One of the comments I spit out, "Oh, you wanna show me your temper? I'll show you a temper!" and another, "You are NOT in charge! When you pay the bills, do the laundry, fix the meals, take care of everyone then you can be in charge!" It was like I was channeling my father. Christ almighty.

Luckily for my daughter and for me my tirades are short lived and she is not easily intimidated or frightened and doesn't hold an incredible grudge. After the issue of whether she has to put on clean underwear was resolved (yes, that's what it was about) I calmed down and felt like a heel. Once again I had let my emotion overcome me and the issue at hand became a moot point. I guess when I scream like a maniac it doesn't teach them much. Go figure.

I will go on record today, this monumentally important blogspot record that only 4 people read on a good day, as saying I will attempt to STOP YELLING!!! Phew. I feel better. At times like these I sure do miss confession.

Muslim Women and the Hijab

2010-08-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Just read an interesting article on CNN.com regarding why Muslim women wear the hijab. Honestly, I'm really not buying it. And it has nothing to do with the Muslim temple or church or whatever it is being built at ground zero. That one I'll leave alone because frankly I don't care. If you know me at all then you know I regard all religions equally.

The interviewees in the bit explain that they cover themselves so as not to be objectified and obsess over their physical appearance. Okay, I get that. But then they seem to be indignant about negative responses to this choice. As I see it this decision is not much different than the "low cut shirts and form fitting pants" one woman decried from her earlier days. Whether you're scantily clad or covered head to toe makes no difference. Both behaviors will get you noticed. I contend that your are seeking attention.

I make no judgment on whether that attention seeking is good or bad. But acknowledging that craving to be noticed is a good first step. I am not sure that respect will be gained or lost from the staring men that you apparently deem above all else. Depends on the group. Have your religion if you want and be proud of it. Embrace the burqa and the hijab as your way of expressing yourself -- especially in America -- but then brace yourself because every other self-important citizen will be giving you their own expressions. The fact that one might be surprised by this is the most shocking feature of the article.

Lastly, if you truly are a self-conscious person who does not want to be judged by your physical appearance take my advice -- blend. I've been screaming this for years. Blend. Wear black, browns, any muted tone will do. Choose necklines that are neither too low or too high. Fit should be loose but not baggy. Jeans are your best friend. But not low rise or mommy jeans. The less accessories you can live with the better. Keep your head down. There's really no need for a hijab afterall when you could just buy a tshirt from Pdawg that says "I'm Muslim." Very affordable too. Stay tuned for more fashion advice.

More Pool Fun

2010-07-09T04:19:00.000-07:00

The pool is a place I frequent in the summertime. The kids love it. I actually like it myself. Which brings up a curiosity of mine. Did bikinis suddenly come back into style? I mean there have always been a few but it seems everyone is wearing them this year. And I mean everyone. From the people whose bodies I envy to the people whom I'm not sure own a mirror. I hate bikinis.

Perhaps it is just jealousy because as I've alluded to in the past there is no way this post 4 pregnancies belly is going to see the light of day in public. But I think it also has something to do with seeing my neighbors in their underwear. I know bathing suits don't always leave much to the imagination but at least tankinis and one piece suits can be recognized as bathing suits. I had to endure a brief conversation with a neighbor I am uncomfortable talking to when she is fully clothed while she was wearing a bikini. Unbearable. She looked good but I'm just not into seeing her in her bra and panties which is what it looks like. Can't anybody else see this??? Put on a damn bathing suit, people.

Paul Watson - Whale hater?

2010-06-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

I've blogged about this before but with a new season of "Whale Wars" I feel a renewed sense of amusement regarding the show. My amusement is also coupled with bafflement. I can't figure out if Paul Watson wants to actually inspire others to become indifferent to the plight of whales, sympathetic to the Japanese whaling fleet, save the whales or get beaten up. He says it's about saving the whales but the alternatives listed above seem much more plausible upon watching the show. Is Paul Watson actually a secret, double agent brilliantly hired by the Japanese to gain public support for whaling??

With each season I become more and more hooked. One might say Paul Watson has done his job by drawing attention to what he and other conservationists see as the Japanese whaling problem and the plight of the whales. My gaze is on that problem only consequentially because I can't stop watching the show itself for other reasons. The drama sucks me in and rarely disappoints. As a loyal viewer I feel I have earned the entertainment that is presented me. Every episode I expect to see Paul Watson blundering -- that word is not strong enough but will have to do since my thesaurus isn't handy -- and he always delivers. Even over delivers I would say. Then there's the trademark trying to find a way to place blame on the Japanese after he's been out thought, out maneuvered or has simply defeated himself. "Can you believe that collision where we steered our boat towards theirs on purpose and they didn't get out of the way? What? Oh no, we didn't ram them despite what you see on OUR footage."

His idiocy is vast -- which as of late includes running his non reinforced hull of a ship into ice to lose the Japanese tail all the while jeopardizing his own ship and crew only to come out on the other side of the ice to find the other ship waiting for him. That was priceless. I suppose Paul spews the rhetoric and his dolts quickly follow that "you must be willing to die for whales" and so feels the need to make sure the volunteers at least worry for their safety if not lives along the way. Never mind whether it is directly caused by the captain himself. As for me, I am anticipating seeing the Ady Gil get destroyed as previews have teased.

One last thought...I'm thinking if whales could talk they'd have a message for the Sea Shepherd that might go something like this, "Please get away from us. You are gathering more support for our enemies while trying to save us. YOU are killing us! Go get a frickin law degree or hire a lobbyist and get the damn laws changed. Get this target off our backs and let some of those intelligent kids work for someone that makes sense like Green Peace...."

Jupiter, Hilary, Statistics

2010-05-21T04:37:00.001-07:00

So much news and I am having trouble processing it. Jupiter loses a stripe is most disconcerting because my planet replicas now are complete junk. I didn't read the article and I don't know any of the facts but thanks a lot, Jupiter.

Hilary says North Korea must face consequences. I say "Then do it already!" This country reminds me of a child that keeps drawing on the wall and its parents just keep painting over it after rationalizing the artistic instinct of the child. Beat the kid and hide the paints.

Anneli Rufus blogged 15 ways to predict divorce based on obscure and ridiculous stats and now I find myself thinking I should move, smoke, not have daughters, improve my IQ and never live in Wayne County, IN. That one really hit close to home. I saw a nice condo there once but thankfully another teen-aged couple snatched it up. Suckers.

Jesse James puts his LA home up for sale. Don't care.

Last but certainly not least, BP Oil spill could be stopped by next week. Or not. But there are second and third options in place should it be needed. And I'm guessing fourth and fifth. But, hey, it could happen.

More Terrorist Finding Advice

2010-05-06T08:19:00.001-07:00

I previously had the idea that we all should have to fly naked. That would be a good first step in thwarting any explosives or weapons being carried onto flights. I mean it would have to be a really dedicated terrorist, and I'm not saying they aren't out there, that would stow explosives in his or her bodily orifices. Box cutters would be even more treacherous a feat for them.

I have another addition to my less than comprehensive prevention plan. Don't accept cash for airline tickets. No way, no how. No cash. This could present a problem for a business like, say, McDonald's or maybe even Lowe's but for an airline with so many more vested interests and so much more to lose if one terrorist gets through I think it would be well worth inconveniencing the rare set that would pay cash for an airline ticket. The only "groups" who would pay cash for that type of thing that I can come up with are either: 1. Someone who doesn't want anyone to know they boarded the plane (RED FLAG) or 2. Senior citizens who probably shouldn't still keep cash in their mattress, sock drawer or coffee cans and pay for stuff with cash anyway or 3. People from various countries that claim they change their money and pay cash because they don't have a credit card and/or their govts suspect fraudulent cards.

So simple. So brilliant. And to add to the brilliance -- anyone who complains "I ONLY HAVE CASH! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION AGAINST CASH ONLY PEOPLE!!" then the airports install a counter manned my humans that will do a background check with two forms of id and then issue cashier's checks free of charge. The background check could be quick but the process should include photos, lots of flash photos from all facial angles. Let's test these terrorists' resolve. I would give my tax dollars for that way before I would give them to, say, save whales...Not that there's anything wrong with whales I just have an irrational urge to kill them ever since I've seen Paul Watson on TV. But I digress. So I've heard it's not unusual to pay cash for tickets across the globe for many, many reasons. But here's the solution.

If this measure is not adopted and someone both pays cash and has no return ticket or luggage I think someone should be charged with aiding and abetting. Someone please pass this on to the head of homeland security.

I think the BMV should weigh people

2010-05-03T12:14:00.001-07:00

When I turned 16 I got my driver's license as soon as I could. I wanted that freedom. I wanted to drive. The one detail I missed until it was too late was that girls generally lie about their weight on the official records. This seems odd in hindsight that I did not lie about my own weight as an overweight high school student. I guess I just didn't really think about it. The people behind the counter were in charge of my fate and my driving. If I lied maybe I wouldn't get that awful laminated piece of identification that allowed me to navigate the family bus. It only occurred to me when I showed it to my good friend, Mark, who looked at it and laughed, "They must've got your weight wrong. hahaha." When he realized I looked confused rather than amused a very awkward silence followed.

Since those days I have continued to update my weight to the BMV to reflect the scale as truly as my scale can handle. This is easier for me than some perhaps since my weight has gone down rather than up since my painful teens. At any rate, I believe the BMV would do us all a service to install a scale along the counter of their offices along with a visual height chart (maybe even a computerized eye color reader, GTC?). The reason I say this? I will tell you.

I just read a story about a missing person. They described her by weight and height but also provided a photo. Now maybe it's just men who pretend not to notice or really don't know but that woman was at least 30 pounds heavier in that photo than what was reported. So I'm assuming they got that detail from -- her driver's license. And now people are looking for a 130 pound female. Only they may never find her even if they see her. "The paper said she weighs 130. It kinda looks like her but no, no that's not her..." So for everyone's safety I think we should be weighed.

In addition, it might even stop the female obsession with weight. Ok, maybe not.

Holy Shit! Really?

2010-04-23T04:02:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100422/ap_on_re_us/us_michelle_obama

I will first say I am a fan of Michelle Obama. I think her husband is a stand up guy. So my opinion here is not politically or partisan or in any such way motivated. My motivation is this: Of all the god forsaken shit her mom and dad have to deal with how can they seriously entertain this question from their daughter? And then the starry-eyed media picks this up like it deserves serious consideration.

"How will we save the tigers, daddy?" I imagine even a patient mom or dad in their situation replying, "Well, hon, I need to try to get this nut job Bin Laden from convincing more people to strap bombs to their chests...oh and then I should probably head over to Iran to cool the nuclear jets on that guy and then there's that whole health care thing...but yeah, I'll get to the tigers..."
At this point, even in my household where we do not have the responsibility of or access to any type of key and button that could blow up the world and where for the most part we aren't heavily guarded from people trying to shoot us if my kid asked that question I would point to the sign hanging in the kitchen. It reads, "Life is not fair!" This is where I refer many of my childrens' inquiries or complaints.

The one thing that hit me hardest in this article though was the question that Michelle dodged. "What can you do to extend recess?" Oh, hahaha, laugh, laugh. Well, just yesterday all y'alls big fat asses not being active was a huge concern of mine but I'll just laugh off that valid question and get on to my daughter's tiger worries. Maybe she meant Tiger Woods and this story was relayed all wrong. Now there's a different angle. That is something I'd want to read about.

"The Obamas save Tiger..."

Sucker

2010-04-23T03:51:00.000-07:00

School festival is tomorrow. Woohoo. This is the time where we volunteer time ahead of time to prepare, we bake, we donate items or money ourselves, we buy tickets and we volunteer time day of. Where, I ask you, is my "NO" button? I swore I would do one thing for this and now I am doing at least 4. The blasted guilt which I would say comes from religion but now I know comes from the PTO is killer. This time I really mean it -- I am not volunteering for anything else the rest of this year. I mean it. No. What? Hey, I'm serious. Ok, what time do you want me there? Dammit.

Rambling ramble

2010-04-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm seriously thinking of becoming an atheist. Is that even something one can "become?" And I have to say from the start that if anyone reading this is offended by criticism of religion I apologize. It's really not aimed at you personally though I have come to realize that most folks do take this stuff really personally. And I am starting to understand that feeling because I seem to be moving towards a trend where I am offended when I hear anyone else talk about religion. I just want to come out of the closet and say that though I was raised catholic I am officially and have been for some time a "recovering catholic" which is to say it just didn't work for me. I acknowledge that is does seem to work for many regardless of my inability to grasp how that may be so.

I just finished reading Sam Harris' A Letter to a Christian Nation, along with Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion. Good stuff. But, of course, that's coming from one who is pretty much on board with their sentiments. I recommend the read even if you are not as inclined as I am to find it breathtakingly refreshing. It has a lot of great food for thought.

Some of the main points which relate back to the catholic church fiasco as I see it are geared toward the power of religion to cause misery. Or to facilitate misery. Or in the least to cover it all up. I think this has been my biggest point of contention all along. I am okay with there being a catholic church just as I have as neutral an opinion on whether there are muslim, jewish, hindu, buddhist, hari krishna or any other religion I have neglected to mention. I just don't get how people are so blinded by the historical and not to mention present bloodshed religions have caused on this earth. All I'm saying is just let me have my little peaceful space on this planet where I will not mysteriously fall to the devil's wishes because guess what? I don't believe in him. I promise not belonging to a religion does not make me bad just as belonging to one does not make anyone bad. So when you say something like my friend said to me today, "Bobby isn't a godparent He would've been but he was all who needs the church so I said no not until he gets his act together...." please allow and expect a logical rebuttal. Not belonging to a church does not equate to one not having one's act together.

Parental Confusion

2010-03-23T12:09:00.001-07:00

I went to the mall yesterday. Against my own judgment my son and I ended up at the mall play place. Yes, that bacteria-filled, chaotic area filled with rubberized renditions of planets and space ships and such. The kids just love it. Except when they have to leave. The parents just endure it.

As I was sitting on the bench watching my little one play -- because I vow that he must learn the rules of the playground from the playground beasts themselves not from my constant guidance -- I noticed a couple of hovering, overtalkative parents with a different philosophy. This type of observation, in my opinion, is truly as helpful as any parenting book one could ever set eyes upon.

I make no judgment on the people themselves. To be clear, I employed a similar parenting style with my first and to a lesser degree with my second. I am no stranger to hovering. It's just now with my third I have realized that style does nothing to instill any learning in the child and only adds to my own stress and raises my blood pressure. And in all likelihood really made some other folks near me nervous and/or annoyed.

Here's the scene: many, many children drawn to the one NASA spaceship with two seats and steering wheels. My take on this was "this will be interesting to see what happens here." My son even came up to me and said, "I want a turn" to which I replied, "go see if you can find a turn. You kids have to work that out yourselves." My own version of "I'm not getting involved in this unless someone throws a punch and even then it depends."

At the same time there was helicopter mom #1. Now again there is no judgment but I will take a moment to poke some fun and create a caricature of her. She had twin boys about age 4 I would guess. She was showered and dressed in matching clothing (not sweatpants, no ball cap) and her hair and makeup were immaculate. Right away I sensed something was amiss. Then I watched and listened as she coached her sons nonstop with how to take turns all the while designating whose turn it was or who might be wanting a turn or wait your turn or maybe he wants a turn or your turn is over. The stress on her face and exuding from her body could be seen free floating in the air. By my observation the hardest part for her sons seemed to be getting the concept of when she decided their turn was over. They mostly listened when she decided to let them and others around know it was her sons' turns. They were aghast when it was someone else's turn.

I started noticing that these two boys whose mom was arranging their turns for them in a neat, timely and orderly fashion amidst a "non-neat" and disorderly and sporadically timed world of toddlers was only creating confusion for her boys at best. At worst their sense of entitlement to a turn seemed to grow and grow with each command she relayed to them. And the rest of the playground kids were afraid of her.

Sometimes trial and error are the best way to truly learn how to take turns. I do believe this to be true. I highly recommend letting your kids just play. When they get shoved or throw a smart forearm shiver of their own is when they get the best lessons if left to their own. Unless parents plan on traveling their entire lives with their children and coaching them all the way I think we all should consider cutting the helicopter engine as early as possible.

Well Said

2010-03-22T05:06:00.001-07:00

If I were articulate this is what I would have written http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/2371/

Beatin' a Dead Samaritan

2010-03-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry, folks. I can't not say something. I will begin with a question -- "How many people would invest their money in a longstanding and supposedly reputable financial institution that was found as of late to have an historical and serious mismanagement of funds in addition to illegal transactions topped by a huge top-down conspiracy to hide it all away? Another question to lead you into my trap might be, how many people would invest their money with say, Bernie Madoff? The answer seems easy.

Now how many people would invest something perhaps more precious than money, something like your time, your faith, your soul and your devotion and/or god forbid your children to a longstanding and supposedly morally just organization who had been found to have an historical and serious mismanagement of morals in addition to illegal acts and sexual abuse(mostly of children) topped off by a huge top-down conspiracy to hide it all away?

For the life of me I will never ever be able to wrap my brain around the logic.

Thought for today

2010-03-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

I am no politician but there is something I know with a great degree of certainty. The Israelis and Palestinians will never get along. I don't care what ideas anyone comes up with for two states or maybe even "one splits, the other chooses." It just ain't gonna work. Thank you. That is all.

Generation N(arcissist)?

2010-02-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

I glanced at an article from the hard-hitting yahoo news describing the trend of unusual names given to children but it warned -- because any word uttered about parenting MUST necessarily and perhaps by law include a hint of criticism, doubt and/or disdain -- that this type of thing can go too far. The claim very, very loosely based on some random psychological research likely taken way out of context basically says all these "being different" shenanigans could cause narcissism in the coming generations.

In the good old days, folks were certain to follow the status quo and pull from the well worn and reliable bank of 18 socially acceptable names. If that set was already exhausted with the first 18 born to work the fields then parents would rely on reusing names of elders or refer to The Book of Saints if they were Catholic. Even if it was some oddball name like "Theodore" or "Spanky." At least people in town would know where it originated.

Nowadays, people and I mean common people, not just them movie stars think they and their kids are really something. I guess what is happening is the parents are trying to avoid having kids that have the same name as other kids. What the heck is this all about? As the article stated just a few short decades ago there was good odds you wouldn't be the only you in your class. And this was a good thing. Now, even if your name is James, one might have to go through six classrooms before finding repeats.

People had better stop thinking their kids are unique or special. Join the crowd, go with flow and whatever you do don't parent in a way that might imprint any anti-social tendency like self-esteem upon your offspring. Children must learn the same sense of self that has been passed down from the generations. It has worked beautifully for me, wouldn't you say?

Hey, Jackass, with the snowblower!

2010-02-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm talking to you. You know, the neighbor with the snowblower? Just wanted to give you an update -- we live in the suburbs. Our driveways are generally narrow and short. Our sidewalks are even smaller. You can't possibly be getting your money's worth out of that thing except maybe in the thrill of blasting all your snow onto other people's property as you watch them toil with their 10.99 Walmart shovels.

And I thought my entertainment would be limited to warmer weather when I have the privilege of watching you trying to drive a riding mower across your front lawn though the machine is so big you can barely make the turns. I think it actually takes you longer to prep that thing and manuever the turns than it does to mow. It is exciting to watch, however I still dial 9-1- on my cell every time I see you mowing. I am certain one of these days I will have to dial that last one when you topple over.

Suburbs. Say it with me. You have most of it right. You own three cars, 8 flatscreen TV's, keep your landscaping neat and have your kids in soccer. You know you have made an error though when your cars can't fit in the garage due to your overabundance of unneeded machinery.

And this is supposed to be a bad thing?

2010-02-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/35254404#35254404

Excuse the pun, but this sounds like a dream.

State of the Union

2010-01-28T03:42:00.001-08:00

I'm getting more and more curious. From a psychological/sociological standpoint that is. There seems to be a bandwagon coming through and I see more and more folks jumping right on. Maybe the wagon was always there and I've always been so politically lazy that I've either not noticed it or not noticed me subtly joining in as well. I must admit I believe I was guilty of being quite unjustifiably biased around election time but to me that's like game day. I hate whomever plays OSU on game day and will root against them but if the other guys win I can accept it. I won't spend hours talking about why they suck (even though they beat my guys) or following them around and waiting for them to make mistakes. I can acknowledge that we all win some and we all lose some. I can accept their strengths and my guy's weaknesses and visa versa.

Now in politics "my guys" are chosen randomly. Okay, only somewhat randomly. I lean left on most things and I'm also a sucker for a woman or any minority in power. But I'm also influenced by my household which can get tricky. Since there typically aren't many choices my default vote goes to whomever I deem better looking. Which I might add is about as intelligent a system as the one most people I know currently utilize.

I am curious if people actually are as highly informed about the facts of what Obama is doing and has done as their opinions seem to warrant. Or if they see a lot of other people cutting on him and thinking they'd like to get in on it. I will admit right now I am not informed at all. But he is the president. He also is a politician. All politicians by trade deserve our distrust. We all should keep a healthy skepticism that will help hold him to a high standard as much as is possible. However, regardless of what any president does I keep a fairly consistent view of the world at large which is one of two things at any given moment. Things are either:

1.) Going to hell in a handbasket. A trend that started sometime after the glorious 50's and continues on a more or less downward spiral to this day.

or

2.) Things are progressing, humans are evolving and the good ol' days ain't always as good as they seem. Thank you my esteemed source, Billy Joel.

I am not sure if I can express what exactly I am getting at here but the partisan policital system seems necessary from a democratic perspective. And I mean democratic in the way it was meant before people used that term to label one of the major political parties. At the same time it seems when people express their views based on any sort of deep identification with either of the two major political parties it leads to the eradication of common sense. It reminds me a bit of middle school where I couldn't be friends with someone because she wasn't a jock, or a cheerleader, or a in the band or whatever. I was perfectly fine being around her and may even think she's swell but since the group I identify with doesn't condone cheerleading, or sports, or whatever then I have to cut on her or think less of her either sublty or blatantly. It's all so strange. There is a word for that....groupthink. Yes, that's it. Don't get me wrong. Both sides do this.

Do we think Bush would be a better fit after the last bandwagon of insults and criticisms? Do we think McCain would handle all of this better? If so, how are we all feeling about Palin as second in command right about now? Ross Perot? Mitt Romney? Hilary Clinton? Mike Huckabee? I'm just saying fill in the blank with any name or party you want and you still have a major, catastrophic earthquake in Haiti. You still have insurgents or jihads or other religious uprisings in Afghanastan, Iraq, Iran, the Gaza Strip. It's still gonna be poor as hell, dry and hot as hell and technologically regressed all over the place. People are still gonna go hungry. Many, by the way, a few short miles away. There will still exist countries that both want and need assistance and who will resent said assistance. Our guys will still get shot at when trying to "help" those people. The religious right will still have a voice in this country and will still want to overturn Roe v Wade, etc based not on any social or medical research but based on the church they go to and their interpretation of the world. The same ones that call premarital sex a sin and refuse to agree to comprehensive sex education and who are against any type of social welfare. And all the while teens will continue to have sex both protected and unprotected. And I emphasize continue. You know what I'm talking about.(Do my views on religion come through too strongly here?)

I guess my deep down feeling is I am tired of hearing and reading snarky comments about the president. It's just too easy. And when a crack or a joke is too easy it just makes it dumb. I was not even a fan of Obama during the election. I'm not a fan now. I'm also not against him. Some people say he's done nothing in his first year. Well, I've done remarkably less than him in my first 41 years. Today I'm thinking the good ol' days ain't always as good as they seem, so for now, I will keep my healthy skepticism close at hand while keeping my mind open.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

2010-01-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, pictured above holding his iphone, to become the next Incredible Shrinking Man! When interviewed he simply stated, "I have been going to the same grocery store on Saturdays for 15 years to get the free samples. This has never happened before. But that cheese was damn good."

New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-30T15:54:00.000-08:00

1. This year I resolve to keep on looking for whatever I am looking for in the house, the car, my life, or within because I have learned that whatever you are looking for and honestly believe is lost forever that thing is in a place where you've already looked. Have Patience. Double back and look again. If you don't believe me watch Cold Case Files. There is no example of those crimes finally being solved that doesn't involve someone on the original suspect list. "Yeah, we interviewed that guy back in 97 but he had an airtight alibi. He was with his mom watching TV that night..."

Just today I could not find my child's shoe. Only one. But I thought I had looked everywhere. And I had. I looked in all the same places again and found it. It happens almost daily.

2. I will not continue to push racial profiling as the best airport security measure. Instead I will arrive at the airport naked in an attempt to start a new safety trend.

3. Universal patience. I've mentioned this before but I still have not come close to implementing it very well. I vow to require any thought that enters my head and wants out, regardless of subject matter to undergo at least a twenty minute waiting period.

4. I will not send or respond to any emails that should be in the form of face to face conversations with the exception of my ex-husband with whom email is the only way for us to communicate without yelling.

5. I will learn to speak German, play a song on the guitar, and run a faster half marathon. I may even play my guitar while running and singing a song in German.

6. I will be nice. Mostly.

Dear Nobody Cares

2009-12-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

So we received our first, and hopefully, only Christmas update letter in the mail today. I am left completely confused. I do know the people that wrote it though not so well to have deserved the inside information that their letter provided. Honestly, even if we were close friends it is doubtful I would care about much of what was written in that thing. But then that sort of begs the question "If you are family or close friends with someone wouldn't they already know most of these things you drab on about? And if you aren't close friends why would that person be interested?" Which presents my incessantly chattering mind with another question -- "Just what is the intended demographic here?"

It left me with an oddly mixed up feeling. I can't quite shake the ridiculousness of the correspondence yet they don't seem to fit the stereotypical bill of senders of this type of thing. If it had come from my Great Aunt Norma then I'd get it. That's just normal conversation for her. The kinda stuff a person learns early on that there's no need to listen to because there's no meat or real sense in the message. It's just talking to be talking. So you sit with your old aunt, pour another shot of whiskey, throw in a few well placed "uh-huhs" and you're good to go.

But I don't know what to do with this. It is so cliche that it's even cliche to make fun of it. That's how bad Christmas letters are. The kind of humor you can listen to Jay Leno go on about every year. But I really can't help myself. And I'm not so much making fun of it as I am trying to make sense of it all. I feel obligated to let these folks know how...stupid?...unnecessary?...bothersome? SEE? I can't even come up with a word to describe it. But I have to let them know.

They seem to have a decent sense of humor so maybe this is all a joke or some sort of sociological experiment to see who their REAL friends are. This Christmas season I will be one of those true friends and I will tell them what I think. Maybe in a letter.

Paring Down the Gifts

2009-12-11T04:08:00.001-08:00

I read the front page of the Dispatch today. The article about "Simple and slow..." in regards to Christmas. People reverting to not so many gifts or shopping or hub bub. I did not miss the implication there is something laudable in all this and maybe we all should strive for it.

I call BULLSHIT.

One person claimed she was spoiled (I assume with gifts at Christmas) growing up and it took her until her 20s to get it. Get what exactly? That kids are shallow and easily amused and love toys, lots and lots of toys no matter the size, shape or price range? The only thing they may like more than toys is the shiny, glitzy wrapping paper or maybe the box it came in. You know the joke, the kids play with the box it came in more than the toy or they like unwrapping them more than the present. Well, guess what? You can't have the box or the wrapping if you don't have a wrapped up box to unwrap.

Or did she get that it is actually a TON of work and expense all orchestrated by adults while the imaginary fat man in the red suit gets all the credit? Yeah, I could see wanting to back off of that responsibility once you see it heading your way. This seems another version of the ultimate parental copout. I got all the gifts, unwrapped them in a lord-of-the-flies-frenzy, had christmas morning high, loved it, got excited with it, was spoiled but now that I am 20 or 30 or 40 or whatever, yeah, I don't really think I, er..I mean you, need all that stuff.

And kudos to you, couple in the university district with a short tree and ornaments homemade by your one child. Can we get more stereotypical? Is there an Atlantic Monthly sitting on your coffee table? Do you still breastfeed your 3 year old in public just to make a point? Instead of a gift exchange they had a "gathering" for an apple saucing party. Kids picked the apples, the adults all collaborated harmoniously to make the sauce and whatev that they later gave as gifts. They claim the experience was such a "great thing to do..it was like value-added gifting..got so much more out of it than if they would have gone to the store and bought something..."blah, blah, blah. Give me a megamall that inserts bamboo shoots under my nails as I shop any day over that mind numbing, god we are soooooooo superior, BORING crap. Please tell me you at least drank wine while you worked. No? Apple juice and organic chex mix? Yum.

And the tree was compared to Charlie Brown's tree. Kids are not stupid. They can clearly see that Chuck is not happy about his tree. He eventually settles but I'm not sure there's a global message there since that character was painted as the doormat of the group who regularly is shown staring and shouting into an empty mailbox or running to kick a ball that we all know won't be there. And how about the Grinch Who Stole Christmas? He stole everything but they still sang. Ok. So they dealt with adversity. They came together as a group and solemnly sang. But there was a frickin party once the Grinch returned all the stuff. And we will never really know if the Who's decided to press charges after the feel good celebration.

I get being materialistic can be a problem. But have you checked the economy lately? This nation is built on a solid foundation of overconsumerism. We NEED your apple picking, homemade bread dough ornament dollars at Old Navy. So I say hit the malls. Right now. It won't hurt to pick up several items for the Toys4Tots drive as well and/or to find a food pantry to which you can also give some money. The economy needs your excess and materialistic instinct.

Trees

2009-12-06T04:55:00.001-08:00

I ran across an interesting metaphor for life today. I am sure it's been done, been said and been around for a long time but I haven't heard it stated in quite this way before. The author said to imagine life as a tree. The entire thing is too long to repeat but a couple of thoughts are sticking in my head. First, the actual experience of growth can never be consciously experienced. It can only be noted in comparison to a particular thing in the past with that thing now. The experience itself sneaks by you. Point being, don't stress too much about what might be construed as lack of results in certain endeavors.

The other interesting exercise was to imagine yourself as a tree in the spring when a cool breeze and mild temperature are a pleasant surprise following a hot and dry summer. Then imagine the autumn. Then suddenly one night comes the winter. It is harsh and cold and shocking. But a tree can't bundle up and has little choice of circumstance. So it pulls within itself and builds its own strength. Over time it has resistance and layers and acceptance of the winter. Over time it enjoys all seasons with the knowledge that neither winter nor spring lasts forever. Over time it learns to savor each day.

So I'm staring at and being symbolically inspired by my christmas tree (though it's artificial -- there was nothing in the metaphor about imagining being a beautiful tree cut out of the ground then adorned with lights, bulbs and pics of snotty nosed children). Maybe too corny but today I wish the winter in my life well as I look forward to the spring that is to come.

Tiger Train

2009-11-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

Many think it's reprehensible how the media and others have jumped all over Tiger Woods with speculation and rumor. "Irresponsible," says the man himself who just a few short days ago crashed his Caddy 80 yards from his front door allegedly crashing so badly that his wife had to use the makeshift, jaws of life, big bertha to bash out the back window and drag him out. At least he knows firsthand the meaning of that word. Sorry, man, you ain't banking a billion dollars, living in a million dollar home, driving nice cars, marrying a model and playing for a living without getting some of this, too. Suck it up, Tiger, it's your turn for the real world that the rest of us have to live in but you usually just own.

Where in the hell were you going at 2 a.m.? There are only two places I have ever been going in a vehicle at 2 a.m. One is to give birth to a baby and the other is out for more beer. So which was it? And how much do you weigh? And how much does your wife weigh. She acted courageously you say? I'll say. Anyone who would have the nerve to chase you down the driveway with your own golf club and bash in your window with it is quite brave. Here's another scenario -- maybe she was chasing you with the car and drove over you on the street, crashed the car and then continued to abuse the car since you were unconscious? Maybe you are a really bad driver? Maybe you were high on crack? Maybe, maybe, maybe...Whatever it is if you don't get off the "it's a private matter" party line this speculation is gonna keep on coming.

Waiting...

Parent Teacher Conferences

2009-11-18T04:20:00.001-08:00

It's that time of the school year again when I go sit down for a real one on one with my children's individual teachers -- for 15 minutes. This falls into the category of a thing I feel I should do but don't necessarily want to do. Sure I'm curious how my children act and interact when I'm not around. And I certainly want to make sure they are on track academically for where they are supposed to be at their ages. Then again...

I have to admit I am not concerned with grades at all. Now this tune would likely change if both of my kids started bringing home very low grades or seemed to be struggling in any way. What I really think school is for is to break their little spirits. Oops, did I say that out loud? What I mean is I think the main benefit of school is to teach our little ones how to interact with others. How to get along. How to study. Basically, how to navigate being human. Now I'm not leaving it all up to the schools to be sure but I believe they gotta get away from me and all that is home for a period of time to adequately learn these things.

So as I am sitting there looking at spelling, math and other tests and hearing their "level" I am always really listening for any indication of how my child is really doing. That's great stuff and all but there are really more pressing concerns on my mind. My child's teacher asked me to write down any questions I might have, tell about any "special" family situations that might affect my child, talk about concerns, etc. And all this in 15 minutes! Ok, here's my list of real concerns that I will never actually share with my child's teacher:

- Do you ever see my child pick her nose and eat it? Do you notice any bad habits that are unusual? If so, do other kids make fun of her?
- Do other kids ever make fun of her and if so, for what?
- Does she seem terribly maladjusted due to the divorce of her father and I?
- Does she have friends?
-Does she seem happy?
-Does she seem comfortable?
-What would you say about my child to your best friend?

Okay, maybe I don't want all that. Maybe I would be fine with the report card and the papers and tests that come home though. I am proud of the little people they are and are becoming no matter what -- pending the outcome of my first conference this evening. Will keep you updated

Did I mention I hate FWDs?

2009-11-14T04:11:00.000-08:00

I am not knocking prayer. I swear I'm not. But after receiving a prayer email from an acquaintance/friend that was cleverly cut and pasted so FWD: disappeared from the subject line I just gotta. The first part that irritates me about this is that FWD: was deleted from the subject line though it was clearly a FWD: And after I have spent so much time and effort directing my mailbox to send anything with FWD: directly into my spam folder. You got me this time. If this keeps up though that person's email address is the next spam directive.

It's not that I don't have the time to read each and every damn piece of spam, marketing and real emails that graze my pc. I do. I can read them twice and thoroughly. I love to read and sometimes I get bored. No, this is not the problem. It's not that a good percentage of the time emails that contain FWD: in the subject line threaten my life, my luck, or my health in the last line after a supposed well wish or inspirational, cute, little frickin story. This I can deal with. The threat of a bunch of years of bad luck is really no threat at all to me. Bring it on. It's not even that most of them are so stupid and not in any way funny, intellectual or inspiring. Those things bother me but aren't my real button pushers.

The main thing is that 9 times out of 10 the person sending it does not acknowledge the above. Even my closest friends and family. What I want to do and sometimes do do (hee hee) is respond with a sarcastic, "Seriously? This is sooo stupid. You know I don't exchange recipes, believe in god, care about cute pics of dogs or cats, believe a woman was followed to her car in parking lot by a serial weirdo who put a receipt on her back window, etc, etc, etc,." What I want to say is, " When you have something to say to me that pertains to whatever relationship you might have with me then you can send me an email. If you really want me to pray for you ask me. I will wish you the best and send positive vibes in whatever way I can. If you think something's funny or worth sharing type in my address and start the exchange the good ol' fashioned way with -- Hello! Most especially if your email requests that I actually do anything because someone first asked you to do that thing you'd be better off just skipping me. I will break the chain.

If you don't comment on this post within 15 minutes of reading this all the hair on the middle top of your head will fall out and will regrow from the palm of your hand. IT IS TRUE!! DO NOT DELETE!!!!

Kids These Days

2009-10-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

In the last week I have been informed of two separate incidents involving two separate friends' adolescent children. These stories frighten me to the core. It's not unlike the roller coaster hill. Once you hit mid hill there is no stopping that ride. You knew what was coming. You know it is gonna be downright scary. The difference between that stupid decision vs. deciding to have children is that the having kids one is not the "scare-you-get-the-adrenalin-going-turning-into-actual-fun" type of fright. It's more the "mortified-didn't-see-this-coming-scared-for-their-future-never-even-seeming-funny-until-they-have-kids-of-their-own" type thing.

The first escapade I learned of was a friend's son planning to try chewing tobacco. The boy and his compadres hatched their elaborate plan via text messages. Not foolproof to say the least. Upon discovering the intentions of his son the son's father went the old school route of lessons. He sat the kid down with several different varieties of dip and a bucket and said,"Let's do this. Go at it, buddy." I may be improvising the actual dialogue but this is what I imagine. The boy did not follow through but all in all I would vote yes for effectiveness on this one.

The next story was a friend's high school daughter being suspended from school for sucking face with her beau under the stairwell. She is not sure what course of action to take with this. I mentioned the above method to her but after brief discussion we both agreed --probably not a good idea. I had no words of wisdom for her. The thing with both of these incidents is I think I would find it very difficult to forget when I was that age. I fear I could not meaningfully apply any consequence I could come up with.

I recall after the summer of 8th grade (maybe even earlier) following a couple of friends to the woods near one of our homes. One person had a cigarette. I was terrified of getting into trouble so I abstained. But it happened. And I wasn't shocked that it was happening. Not much later in life my friend and I went to our first concert. The Kinks. Yeah, that's right. I said it. At Vets Memorial no less. We BOUGHT a cigarette from some man. Very intentional. The worst part is we thought is was pot. Kinda blows the intending to try chew out of the water.

As for the making out part...lord, how we tried. My friend and I were discussing her daughter and laughing because we remember having crushes and wanting to have boyfriends. Luckily for my folks though I had porked out and boys in the 80's really were not into fat chicks. I mean not as much as they are today. At any rate, maybe I didn't long to make out under the stairs at school but a date to the school dance would've been absolutely dreamy.

I know. I know. Someone has to be the adult. Someone has to guide them through their mistakes but I'm not sure I'm the one for the job. In the meantime I will watch for how my friends' handle this stuff and take as many notes as possible.

Slowly turning 41

2009-10-19T12:01:00.001-07:00

This weekend I welcomed in the end of another year alive with another half marathon. I do love running but I do hate these races. It isn't the distance but rather the going downtown, parking, waiting, freezing and I guess also the paying part. At the end of the race runners are provided with donuts, bagels, drinks, bananas, medals and this year fleece hats. People were like, "Oh my gosh! I can't believe these things are free!" I like to remind myself that it is more accurate to say "included in the price."

I got through it with a little under an 11 minute mile time which is the slowest I have ever done in a half but what are ya gonna do? My fastest really isn't much faster. I realize I still love running but it is that paying for it part that I don't like. There is one hidden beauty of races such as these -- the people.

The unbelievable variation of human beings who come out to run an insanely long (1/2 marathon) or super insanely long race (marathon). If you've never run one or even seen one the picture in your head may be only one that you have fashioned from the svelte neighbors you know who run in all nike and matching gear or from the coverage on TV of the Kenyan speed mobiles. My image before I knew it first hand was mostly of in shape, athletically dressed people with an average age of 40. That is why it took me so long in life to give it a try. I wouldn't fit in.

The truth is you can find every single body type, a range of ages well into seniors, ill fitting, non matching, even some costumes for clothing. It is incredible to be solidly beaten by a 60 year old overweight grandma after training for weeks. It is incredibly gratifying to zip by the gorgeous twenty something, in-shape-looking young college man. It is simply incredible to see the "kenyans" whiz by mile 11 less than an hour into the marathon. All in all, it is an affirming event. Every time I learn something new about myself and others.

This year I am happy to be turning 41 and still running. I am glad my self punishing has switched from excessive weekly drinking and smoking to biannually paying someone so I can run big circles really far around the downtown area and be timed while doing so. Happy Birthday to me.

Too funny to pass up (thanks, Pdawg)

2009-10-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Sell the Vatican Save the World

Confessions of a Make Believe Mom

2009-10-09T02:10:00.001-07:00

Okay, so here goes. Time to get real. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The order of these things matters little because at this moment I am all at once regardless of which came first or weighs more heavily. I have three children. I am divorced. I am remarried. I have lost a child. I have had some things happen in my life that one might think would give me some insight, some perspective and maybe even some wisdom. I feel like I should be able to look at any given situation and in the very least size it up as "not the worst thing that has happened to me" and then move on accordingly with totally inspired and appropriate actions and reactions. Not so.

My confession is this -- I have no frickin idea what I am doing. I am totally making this up as I go along. I, ahole on a PC, am a total fraud. There, I said it. This thought has come and gone often throughout my supposed "adult" years but it swept over me like an eerie transmedium psychic experience a few days ago. Think Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost when Patrick Swayze jumps into her body. Everything is very fuzzy, I feel woozy and I do believe if anyone had been looking at me my body would have looked like an image in a funhouse mirror. That particular moment of realization, what dear Oprah would call a "lightbulb" moment (only in this one the bulb shatters in my hand while the shards spray my eyeballs) was followed with a need to check with GTC. I asked, "Do you ever feel like you aren't really an adult? Like you're just in some sort of make believe world and just hoping no one can see it? Like you're not really an adult at all and the kids, this house, all of it is just some weird fantasy?" He did his best to reassure me with, " Yeah, all the time." This did not reassure me. His answer came too fast and confidently. I continued to wonder.

Yesterday afternoon my suspicions were confirmed unequivocally. Call it a sign from god or from the mother ship but this could not be mistaken. Tell me more, you say. Well, ok, I will sum it up for you. I took my kids to the doctor's office for check ups, flu mists and unbeknownst to me until just after the check up -- a SHOT. That's right. A shot. Needle and all. My kids are terrified of this. I can't figure out why really. The not so nice nurse brings in a needle and a band aid into the tile laden, cold room and shoves it their arm, slaps on the band aid and walks out. Smiling is not in the manual I guess. Anyway, yesterday this went very badly. Very, very badly. I cannot emphasize how much of an understatement that is. At the same time I cannot recount it for you here because it is still too painful and fresh for me and I didn't even get the damn shot. If I could have avoided yesterday's scene by taking a 12 inch needle under my fingernail I would have done so. In fact, I may do that today just to dull the memory.

What sticks with me about the entire event is my reaction to all of it. I have spent the better part of the last 16 hours beating the pulp out of myself for not handling this better. I could have asked for a moment, I could have rescheduled the shot, I could have NOT been angry at my kids when it was all done. None of the above were the inspired and appropriate actions that I chose. I didn't beat them which is really a plus but at the same time I keep thinking why should I be mad at them? My job is to help them feel safe and secure and I failed monumentally yesterday.

I can't seem to wrap my brain around it all just yet but I do know this -- next time it will not be "nurse or doctor knows best." Next time in whatever situation I find myself in I believe I would do well to remember the feeling of make believe and embrace it. I believe I will truly reach that elevated "adult" status once I accept that I don't have all the answers, that sometimes I will fail and that shots suck every time no matter one's age. I also need to realize that I won't find my answers in a book about Touchpoints, The Strong Willed Child, 1-2-3 Magic or How To Talk To Kids So They Will Listen. I will try to remember that I should take neither credit nor blame in most parental situations. I will make it a point to never ever look down my nose in judgment at another parent for some behavior their child may exhibit and erroneously believe "my kids would never do that" or worse yet "I would never let my kids do that." It is ALL a complete and total crapshoot. That does not absolve me of any parental or grown up responsibility it just gives me a larger range of motion for the choices I make. It allows me to realize I may actually know nothing but it's the same nothing that every other person knows.

EAT A CHEESEBURGER TODAY

2009-10-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

This is a digitally altered image in a catalog that has caused an uproar. Have to say I agree with the critics on this one. The first thought when I see this is, "Ew, what is wrong with that woman?" The next thought is a firm commitment to never buy Lauren again. Okay, so that isn't so hard for a person who shops at Target, Kohl's and Old Navy and possibly may never have owned any Lauren. Still. My mind can only associate Lauren with ridiculously ill people wearing overpriced clothes. The thought briefly crossed my mind that maybe the photo was not altered which is the uber scary thought in this instance. I am pretty much the closet activist meaning I make the excuse that I'm sorta busy and live and let live and I use my secret little blog to rage my quiet wars but I declare I will do something about this! I declare today "Eat a Cheeseburger Day!" Who's with me? C'mon!

OMG. SEND HELP. I think we're in trouble.

2009-10-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

Just for fun and sheer boredom and to avoid cleaning things that probably need cleaning I decided to follow the CNN link that listed 2009's 49 Most Influential Men (apparently they could not find 50). After clicking on number 49 and seeing Lance Armstrong I kept clicking. At number 48 I was stumped. Who in the hell is Jenson Button? No frickin idea. Now things were getting amusing so for more fun I decided to continue to peruse the list while challenging myself to attempt to recognize only the face of the person. If I could not do that then I glanced at the name. If I was still in the dark I chuckled to myself and moved on. All in all I would say I recognized by sight about 5 - 10 of the men on the list. I recognized a few more names beyond that. Talk about influential. Whew.

Blow me away with what must be some very insidious influence seeing as I have no idea who most of you are and what most of you do. Even after reading a bit about you the neon question mark still lingered above my head. Just exactly what kind of influence are we talking about here? This leaves me a bit perplexed and more than worried. I don't have much more to say about this until I can find out who in the hell voted Don Draper #1. SERIOUSLY? He is a fictional character for god's sake (and I had to look that up). Role Models. Say it with me. We need some. Men? Any takers?

Random factoid...

2009-09-15T04:18:00.001-07:00

In the spring of 2000, it was reported that a 25-year-old Tehran transsexual, who had just undergone extensive surgery to become a woman, said he wanted to change back to a man after realizing just how poorly women are treated in Iran

Bring in the clones

2009-09-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

I quickly perused today's Dispatch and noticed the story regarding a local suburb which shall remain unnamed herein but which is the one I reside in and so do many people of my general demographic. The article addressed the school district of which I am not a part of due to the financially savvy annexing of this part of the suburb to other unnamed suburb. A lot of folks residing in this suburb but ending up in the "other" school district lament this zoning assuming the suburb's residential district is more desirable. I disagree.

My contention is that resources, books, money and white people alone do not make up all the necessary parts of a good education. What's missing? Diversity. Every student is a clone of the one next to them and so on. Today's article seems to support my argument. The story goes that the district has hired a record number of alumni as teachers. A school rep is quoted as saying, "We don't seek them out. They're just quality candidates..." Or maybe just maybe after spending 4 or 5 years in the real world and encountering people who were...different, diverse, and possibly not white they realized they needed to head back home to the cocoon. The result is likely to be an even more narrow educational experience for the kids in that school district.

Now the district I reside in isn't all that diverse at this point but will become more so in high school. We probably shouldn't shelter our kids but for most parents it's a natural instinct. One that ironically can be more detrimental than all that scary stuff out in the real world. Better to be prepared.

Saturday Ramblings

2009-09-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

Had a great Saturday. I was down to one child. Girls with their dad. My husband at THE pregame(if you don't know me I'd like to see you trying to do the math right now). Just me and him and some quality time. We hit the zoo early to see the "rillas" and "munteys." My first thought as we unloaded from the car in the parking lot of the zoo: This town is f'in crazy. I panicked for a split second because looking around at everyone I thought I may have inadvertently driven to campus. Every last person was wearing scarlet and gray. Including me and my son. At least we blended. You always want to blend, lay low and don't ever, ever attract attention.

My next thought of the day was people really need to commit. Take a stand, make a decision. One way or the other, folks. Either get a dog or get a stroller. LEASHES ARE FOR DOGS! I can't tell you how many children I saw walking around on damn leashes. I've heard the argument (from myself) as the behavior is rationalized that strollers are really the same thing -- keeping the kids contained, restrained, you're in control. No, they are not the same. I find it much more humane to wheel my child in stroller away from the ice cream cart or danger than it is to yank on their choke chain. Down, boy, down. Sit. Come. Lay down. Fetch. Completely and totally stupid. Maybe your payback will be when you are old and fraile instead of getting you a wheel chair your kids will pull out the old trying-to-look-kid-friendly-because-it's-disguised-as-a-plush-animal restraint. Would serve you right. Here, grandma! Fetch, grandma! How do you like it now?!

My last thought concerning the morning was if anyone, anywhere is ever disappointed in themselves or self doubting as far as parenting goes GO TO THE ZOO ON SATURDAY. You will feel better. One of the last images I was left with before heading out was overhearing a father say to his children, "If you don't shut up 3 out of the 4 of you are going to get your asses beat!" I couldn't help but look over and try to guess which three were gonna get it. They all seemed to be similarly sizing up the situation.

Good times. Gotta love this Saturday.

All Sarcasm aside....

2009-09-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/

Anyone who opposed President Obama's address to the schools should be seriously embarrassed.

THIS IS YOUR PRESIDENT...you must do as I say...

2009-09-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure that President Obama has diabolical plans to mind meld all the school children next week. Obviously...geez. Inside sources say that not only is the speech blatant propaganda for health care reform but also there will be a long, high-pitched sound near the first quarter of the address that will immediately attach to the frontal lobe of any listener's brain and will turn them black. Whatever if you don't believe me. It could happen. Not only that I heard the president's writers will be inserting barely detectable, subliminal pieces of information that are mostly coded as curse words. The children will hear our leader cussing like a sailor but they won't know it. When it's all said and done they will probably all turn gay but accept that their marriages should never be legally sanctioned by the state instead settling on hospital visiting rights and limited insurance coverage. They will want their parents to fund every single program the president asks for in the future. When the speech is over they will all voluntarily walk in a trancelike state to a secret cave/mine where Obama will then make them do hard labor and they will never see the sun again until Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews drive through town in their Chitty Chitty bang bang mobile and free them. Seriously, do you want your kids exposed to this?

The Other Religion

2009-09-03T01:30:00.000-07:00

I've spent enough time jabbing at the Catholic church and other denominations. For the record I have no problem with a belief in god or some higher power. I do believe in the existence of many supernatural forces including possibly a god or aliens or some scientist who has created this galaxy as a computer simulation or a petri dish. I'm really not 100% on the exact form and details. But I do believe in the concept. Not totally sold on the "oh worship me and do as all those old, white uptight people say or you'll have me to deal with" angle, but I get the value of the overall idea of human decency and social order and I do my "just in case prayers" occasionally like the rest of us (please, just this one time and I promise I'll never -fill in the blank - again).

I also believe there are some natural forces that people decide are super and then they form an organized group around that. To take that one step further there are also things people want so badly that they will "pray" to a higher power for it or they will worship certain aspects of a coveted thing and will even form weekly rituals around them. We all know where this is headed, right? Though the sacred other religion I infer is rarely looked at with much of a critical eye by one of its own I will just come out and say it...Buckeye Football.

If you aren't sure if I should be calling this a religion check some eerie similarities...

* Weekly gathering of worship. check.
* Ceremonial garb. check.
* Chants, songs, incantations. check.
* The breaking of bread along with alcohol served in test tubes, mixed with gatorade or straight up out of a scarlet and gray can. check.
* Worship of godlike individual(s). Tentative, changing and fair weather at times but think Woody, Spielman, Eddie, Tressel, Beanie...check.
* Lack of awareness and/or acceptance of other similar worshippers who hold different gods sacred. check.
* Lack of compassion or understanding when others nearby fail to worship with as much fervor as is expected, fail to don the appropriate ceremonial garb or generally aren't as devoted. check.
* Elevated priority of worship beyond what would be considered common sense. check.
* Punishment for worshipping other gods. check.
*Mindset that losses are somehow deserved and due to fate and that if we just cheer/yell louder next time it will have some influence over the outcome. check.

I love this time of year. The smell of fall, the leaves, woodburning fireplaces, grills. The sounds of the season, especially Carmen Ohio. I dig the excitement of football...but I just can't bring myself to worship on fall Saturdays anymore than I can hit a church on Sundays. Now let the games begin. And please forgive me...

2009-08-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

I try to keep my religious views in check as much as possible...okay, no I really don't. So today I took a moment to glance at the newspaper and was reminded of my irritation regarding Todd Jones who has decided that people care enough about or don't care enough about or should care more about the wonderfully boring steps it takes to become a Catholic priest. So much so that a full series of articles should be written and published. As an aside I have a secret hope that Mr Jones is related to the priest at hand because otherwise that man needs to get out more often. Surprisingly enough, this did not make my previous post list of things I do not give a shit about. This one I actually do care about. Or more accurately I am concerned about.

I am concerned that this series continues to grace (good pun, huh?) the front page of the paper though thankfully it has moved to the bottom of the page. To further irritate me a story regarding organized religion that may actually have some positive social value -- Lutheran and Protestant churches accepting gays -- has only made the Metro section. Funny I think. How much more inane would the Catholic story appear when stuck right next to an article addressing other denominations facing more "progressive" and pressing social issues? Like the joke that it is I suppose.

Now I'm not saying I think the religion itself is a joke (not out loud, not here anyway) but what I'm saying is I think it's missed the boat by about 100 years. I admittedly could not get through today's story but I did read the first one that took up way too much ink and space. The gist of it is there is a shortage of Catholic priests. And in the entire thing one, maybe two short paragraphs addressed that "little problem" the church has or had or ignored over the years. WE paid out the billions, right? So now it should go away. To downplay a central issue which should be enough to at least cause some sort of introspection of the some of the central tenets of the organization is just plain denied and/or hidden. Still.

Though I will give that the crimes of pedophiles and/or sexual predators as priests may not necessarily add to the lack of people signing up per se I do think both problems stem in some way from the priestly requirements. In the story it states the church is growing in members (surprising to me) but the priests are declining in numbers. Will the church consider letting the clergy marry? Nope. What about women? Oh GOD NO. And how would they stack up against their Metro Section rivals regarding issues of gays and lesbians? NO, never, not here.

Tonight I say a prayer...please god or universe or aliens or any higher power out there... please don't be as stupid and narrow minded as these people make you out to be.

Things I don't really give a s**t about

2009-08-22T13:13:00.001-07:00

I realize writing about things that I allegedly do not care about is contradictory but I don't care. I feel the need to vomit out the negativity in my own sordid little head. I do not give a shit about the following things in no particular order aside from one in which I typed them:

* Leann Rimes (a star? scandal? My word.)
* Whether the king of pop was gay (if he was gay that was one of many things he was and the least interesting, really)
* The Cash for Clunkers program (done and gone)
* Whales ( Thank you, Paul Watson, idiot savant, and all your livin' at home, young, unemployed loser volunteers)
* Health Care reform (why are we so angry about not having access to those who will help us when we are sick and diseased but still biggie size our drive thru dinners which we eat on our way to DQ?)
* PTO (Campbell soup labels rock but still haven't made my top 100 list of most important things in life)
* Brett Favre (sometimes you just gotta let go, buddy)
* Michael Vick (can you tell GTC makes me listen to sports talk radio? Michael served time and will retain about the same amount of character as before and about the same amount of athleticism as before and likely will be charged with something again in his lifetime. Stop complaining. I want to watch.)

That's not nearly all I don't care about but I'm too lazy to go on.

WARNING ALL CRIMINALS!

2009-08-08T04:30:00.001-07:00

I recently received one of those WARNING!WARNING!WARNING! emails that details the latest in dangerous parking lot scams. Couple of thoughts on these...First, I know the senders are always well meaning and worried for the safety of their friends. Second, I sometimes imagine the look on the face of the perpetrators when the warning email inevitably makes it to their inbox. "Sh*t! Foiled again. Damn internet! Bruce, cancel the paper on the back window trick! They're on to us!"

This latest one led my mind in another direction. In this criminal brainstorm a piece of paper such as a receipt is left on a car's back window. The assumption is a driver gets into the car, starts to back out, notices the piece of paper on the back window, gets out to retrieve it and Viola! the carjackers jump into your car and speed away. Adding insult to injury "they practically mow you down with your car as they take off!"

I couldn't help but laugh. First of all, if anyone has seen my minivan or met my kids you can be sure a piece of paper on the back window is about the last thing that would catch my attention. Even if it did it would pale in comparison to the shit inside my petri dish on wheels. In the very very unlikely case that I did notice it and it bothered me I would probably either tell one of the kids the get it or I would drive erratically and fast until it was dislodged. I would like to see the statistics if any exist on the number of MINI VANS this happens to.

Here's the scene: I walk to my car from a long afternoon at the mall. I am screaming at the kids, the kids are screaming at me. I am dragging my two-year-old by the wrist as he has decided to let his body go boneless in a late day fit. The carjackers are in wait ready to pounce when they spot me moving towards their target vehicle. "Crap! Quick we gotta get that receipt off of her window! Abort! Abort!" They may be criminals but are they this stupid? The email mentions that if this happens to a woman she probably had her purse in there and now they have her address, keys, wallet, etc. In my case, the only thing they would score is a car full of meltdown as I carry my ID and credit card in my back pocket since I have no free hands left for carrying a purse. That is a luxury I have long since surrendered. I do not believe I am impervious to crime but after a long day at the mall with the kids if I spy a piece of paper on my back window I will just start my car, head back inside for some coffee and teach those thieves a lesson.

Tastes great! Less Filling! Racist! Criminal!

2009-07-31T04:08:00.000-07:00

I love beer. I admit it. My approval rating of President Obama might even go up because I also love Bud Light. Because I love beer, regular beer I do not consider myself a beer snob or a social snob or someone who clings to convention...but really? It sounds like an opening to a joke -- four guys sit down for a beer at the White House...One president, one VP, one scholar and one cop...only thing missing is the nun or the priest.

Anyway, so the story goes one white cop went to one black scholar's home to thwart a supposed intruder. White cop becomes the intrusive one, black scholar takes offense and acts in a disorderly manner. White cop takes him in. Black scholar calls "racism" the president gets wind of it and makes an offhanded remark about the cop acting stupidly.

First of all, if one takes a look at the story probably all of its parts are exactly true. The scholar is/was indignantly angry and inappropriately disordered. The cop is/was stupid and racist. Biden is obviously an alcoholic or totally out of the in crowd with his non alcoholic beverage. And Obama -- as any president striving to be the most common of denominators in every situation called it like he saw it or thought most folks would see it at the moment then took it back when he realized not so much. Poor Barack may be stretching himself a bit thin.

The advice I would give the president as a common schmoe (I am expecting his call any moment) is if you really want to blend with people it may have to be okay for you to call something stupid that seems stupid and in all likelihood, after your frat party at the white house still seemed stupid. Put your hand on your lower back and feel for that bone. It's called a spine. Trust it. Use it. It can be your friend.

In the meantime, I am totally on board with resolving all conflicts both domestic and foreign in the white house garden with a brew. Only let's not invite Joe next time.

Beatin a dead horse....

2009-07-29T03:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/28/divorce.marriage.health/index.html

I won't dribble on too too much about this but I must reiterate my frustration at the focus on divorce as the problem rather than the intense pressure to be married along with low quality marriages and/or hasty choices or even as just a part of life. Beginnings, endings, births, deaths, marriage, divorce. The accepted negativity and resulting stigma of a thing is often more the problem than the thing itself.

Also, I believe no matter how it gets sliced in today's world a lot of folks will realize other options and will go for that. I say today's world not because I think there is anything wrong with today's world or it encourages divorce more than yesterday's world. It's a more viable option. Does the viability of the option of divorce urge people towards it? I don't think so. I think a crappy marriage does. Do I think we should encourage divorce? Do I think we should villainize marriage? Do I think we should make it a sin so people will guiltily stay where they do not want to be? Do I think we should legislate to force people to stay where they don't feel they can thrive? Do I realistically think even any amount of warning or training regarding marriage would stop the smitten yet mismatched people from tying the knot? No I don't think any of that. I know divorce is hard. I know marriage is difficult as well. I have no real point I guess except that I know deep down that evil thing called divorce saved my life.

p.s. if a grown man cannot be responsible enough to schedule his own colonoscopy he has no one to blame but himself.

Piggybacking on Pdawg's Post

2009-07-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

I completed my vehicle registration renewal online today. Fantastic idea.

*I don't have to leave the comfort of my chair.
*I don't have to endure the trained to be unfriendly BMV employees.
*I will be early in renewing rather than late due to my anxiety that causes me to put it off to the last minute.

One side note, I was so pleased with the process that I decided to go ahead and "Take the Survey." All inane questions except one:
"If there were a souvenir plate program would you purchase one for yourself or as a gift for someone else?(plates for DISPLAY purposes only and not to be used on your vehicle)"
*YES
*NO
*If NO, please explain.

I have to explain? Really? That was the first response I typed. Then I thought I should be more helpful and I typed "Total waste of money." Then I thought I should be both helpful and humorous so I typed, "Only if you pay some of my property taxes but it wouldn't entitle you to any ownership of my property. It'd just be for fun." Then I thought they might flag my record for the police to pull me over and flog me since they clearly were asking the question in all seriousness. With some rebellion left in me I typed, "No thanks, I can just pick those up at Spencer's." But, due to my compliant and fearful personality I finally settled on, "I need to use my money for the real plates that the state requires."

I can vividly imagine the conference room and the meeting that was called to decide to slip this stupid ass question into the online survey. I hope that at least one person laughed out loud.

Anatomy of the Surprise Party

2009-07-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

I may have touched on this in the past but I am not into surprise parties. I'm not into getting them and I'm not into giving them. Some might say I have no sense of adventure, no spontaneity. However, this I can dispute with a myriad of anecdotal evidence dating from adolescence to present. I have spent many a morning wondering why I had done some thing or the other the night before. I consistently buy things not on my list at the store. Not spontaneous? Think again. And I don't mind surprises per se. Just surprise parties. I think they are stupid. And here is why...

A surprise party like many "gifts" benefits mainly if not only the giver. They either feel they have done something special for the person in disallowing them access to the particulars of a celebration in their honor in which case they are almost always doomed to be off target OR they feel they have "gotten one over" on the person in which case they are a bit competitive and/or rude and mean. I especially hate the mentality that insists a person who hates surprise parties is the one who should get one.

But let's take a look at the likely intention of the party giver. They believe they are being thoughtful. This is the kicker for me. How many of us have sat and wished someone, someday would hopefully throw us a surprise party? Maybe we've said we wouldn't mind it but actively wanting one? When asked "What do you want for your birthday?" some might say cash, gold, a night out, etc.. "Oh yeah, and a surprise party PLEEEAASSSE." Just not likely.

On to the guest list. The mother of all disaster. I have always contended that surprise party guest lists end up being a gathering of people that would otherwise all be seen together only at my funeral. Since the giver needs to necessarily go for big numbers because, well, three people at your target's party just smells of sad, the giver will call everyone in your phone that resembles a friend. Careful consideration should be given to whether a particular guest is an actual friend. Some quick tips:

* If the person has been to my home dropping off something (pan I left from the bake sale) or someone (i.e their kid) there's a good chance I would label them "acquaintance" rather than friend and would NOT want to see them at my house to celebrate any milestones.

* Facebook friend --- WAY different than actual friend in most cases. If you don't know what I mean I just feel sorry for you.

*My old college roommate that lives in town but for some reason has never been over. Yeah, there's a reason for that.

*That family member whose presence seems to change my personality completely. When they are around you can see the word "tense" spelled out on both of our brows. Save that miraculous reuniting for another occasion.

*My hairdresser is cool, but seriously...

So if you are thinking of giving someone you love a surprise party you might want to think again. Though in the end they will appreciate your effort take note. If they don't say at the end of the night "we should have them all over more often" then you might want to just buy gold next time.

Always searching, never disappointed

2009-07-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Whale Wars! Friday nights at 9pm eastern on Animal Planet. If you haven't seen it you must. You simply must. I am not an openly violent person thanks to years and years of catholic conditioning. I have learned to contain my anger and let it out in small indignant doses wherever I see fit. If ever I should cross that line there is protocol in place for my forgiveness and ultimate ascension into heaven. whoa, that thought took me away. However, this show INCITES me to violence.

Whale Wars is a show that documents the goings on of the sea vessel dubbed "The Steve Irwin" or "The Sea Shepherd." The captain of the ship is none other than Paul Watson. Basically what they do is chase three Japanese ships around the ocean trying to stop them from whaling. The Steve Irwin has decided that the Japanese are violating international law by continuing to whale claiming they do it for profit rather than reserach. The Japanese claim they are whaling for research only and not exceeding any quotas set forth. The Steve Irwin claim the Japanese have found a loophole in the law and are not doing any research but are merely doing it for profit. And back and forth, etc. Enter renegade Sea Shepherds.

I cannot do justice to the show with words. You must see it. I will say that I never really thought too much about whales before. I think they are cool. I like the photographs of them. And for the record, I have never eaten whale. I would call myself neutral. Before this show that is.

Though there is no international organization that I can join and campaign with to sink the Steve Irwin that is what this show has motivated me to want to do. I have never seen more hypocritical, bungling, idiotic, ill-planned, violent, immature efforts to save anything before in my life. And remember I grew up catholic. I watch faithfully each and every week just hoping to see one more mishap. It is almost as good as the original episodes of Gilligan's Island.

Daily Mind(less) Chatter

2009-07-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the pool yesterday. I like to workout and feel pretty healthy but started wondering how in the hell these women with children are able to wear a bikini. Not tankini. Bikini. Short in the butt, strings holding it together. Buff, taut and looking good. My stomach gave way long ago just shortly after my boobs started to fall. Working boobs mind you. They've fed some babies. But honestly, if I wore a bikini I would have to wear my stomach in a ponytail and roll up my chest. But I digress. But isn't that the point? At the same time I realize I need to stop noticing shit like that. Or in the least I need to start discerning rather than judging (thanks, JtotheP, for that one.)

Meanwhile I am at the pool with my mom and her cousin. My mom complains about her body nonstop. I mean nonstop. If she even so much as walks near a fridge she can find someway to berate herself for eating too much or gaining weight. If I talk about a callous on my foot she will say it reminds her of how many calories she consumed yesterday. Clever one she is.

My mom is 65 and in my opinion, looks great. Maybe she's gained some weight over the years but she has no health problems to speak of. Except that is, the mental obstacle of finding anything remotely likeable about herself. Herein lies my own personal challenge. I have inherited that trait. If I spend as much time over the years as she has cutting on myself I will not ever notice the good things. I used to think I got that trait from my father but now I think it has been an even and thick application coming from each side. I may be doomed. Though I know it somehow it is hard to stop it.

So now I am looking at one woman in particular who is absolutely gorgeous. Everything is cut. Oddly enough I don't feel disdain or jealousy or anything negative. I was sort of in awe and daydreaming about "maybe someday" as I imagined just how many personal training sessions I'd have to endure to get there. But just then as I was looking (likely ogling) at her yet another buff mom walks across my line of vision. For more than just a split second I notice the first mom also noticing this second mom. I could be wrong but her stare seemed more like a, "This is my turf. What are you doing here?" type stare. Then I felt sorry for her. Perhaps having and maintaining a body that perfect is a chore in more ways than just the work it takes to get there. Perhaps it is the burden of perfection. Perhaps liking oneself doesn't come free with those rock hard abs. I looked down at my self and gave an affectionate pat to my belly and I set a new healthy goal for myself. It will certainly be an arduous battle which goes against my genetic makeup but if I work really, really, really hard I may someday appreciate the good in myself.

Easy in, easy out

2009-07-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

I recently read an editorial written by Leah Ward Sears Let's End Disposable Marriage.
I call "bullshit." She claims that marriages are too easy to get out of and partially perhaps due to the "no fault divorce" ruling. I call "double bullshit" on that assessment. Before I rant on and on regarding my perspective on this it is probably necessary to state that I do not believe there is one right or wrong answer to all of this and of course, if there was it would be mine. We all are heavily influenced by our own personal and relatively small life experiences. With that being said, time to rip apart her point -- a point I hear expressed over and over.

POINT: Marriage is easy to get out of. I can barely type those words without falling off of my chair. As one of those pesky divorced people threatening the American family who conveniently disposed of my marriage I present to you:

Exhibit A: a 3inch stack of papers -- separation, divorce, child support, and other minutia right down to who gets the gd ottoman. I was really holding out for that one but in the end let it go to my ex along with his other requests including but not limited to the clothes dryer, the printer, and end tables. Talk about breaking things up.

Exhibit B: proceedings begin one year and end two years and three moves later.

Exhibit C: In the process realized I stood to lose one father and the support and/or respect of many people who formerly kinda dug me. Turns out most of them were, in fact, lost.

After you have examined the first three exhibits I would like you to take a look at:

Exhibit D: My marriage license (and a timeline.) The license, one single piece of paper took 20 minutes (this includes drive time) and $40 to obtain. Virtually no questions asked. The catholic church deserves honorable mention with their pre-cana requirements the highlight of which was a two page, scan tron test on compatibility. That added a bit of time and some hoops for us to jump through though in the end we received our score of "incompatible", handed the priest his gratuity, received his blessing and scheduled the date.

Exhibit E: An unending line of folks WANTING to get married and following through on that desire. Divorce has no bearing on the number of folks wanting to get married and form families. In fact, the same folks squawking on about the demise of marriage and family are preventing loving, committed gay people from marrying...

My point being, marriage is ridiculously EASY to get INTO if you are heterosexual. Though some may say it's easy to get out of I would contend the problme is more the entrance into marriage which I find akin to the gravitational pull of a black hole. If one takes a step back and looks at the entire thing it seems ludicrous to think the exit would not be more difficult.

My suggestion: THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. STOP celebrating the white dress, the knight in shining armor and think the fuck about what you really really want for yourself. That's step one. I don't honestly believe relationships truly can be legislated much as some want to try. If you insist on the need to change law or legislate or make anything harder to attain in the name of the American family how bout try making it difficult to get married. That way at least folks might have to wait at least as long as they do to buy a gun.

Puritan meets Suburbia over salad

2009-07-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

In an effort to "get out more" I accepted a dinner invitation from a neighborhood friend. I love her dearly, spend a good amount of time with her as we often run together but we have never before breached this tacitly accepted limit to our friendship or expanded much past the activity of running and spilling our lives' beans to each other. She told me a group of women were getting together for dinner and I should come along. With much hesitation I finally decided I should in fact break out of my cocooned routine and give it a shot. What could go wrong?

Glad you asked. First of all, the group are avid exercise enthusiasts. All in good shape, very thin, attractive but nevertheless strong and athletic. I assumed going to a restaurant meant we were going there to eat. Not exactly. The first question asked, "Which salad do you like best?" As the table consensus was formed and I realized they all were going to eat salad for dinner I quickly flipped from the sandwich page where I had been salivating over the Reuben. Then I flipped back. Screw it. Then I was asked directly which salad I thought looked best. "Ummm, I dunno. They all look so good..." I gradually realized it might be a relief if someone broke out of the salad mold and decided to order crabcakes. Crazy, I know. Then I really broke out and ordered a beer in a bottle. No glass. That's how classy I am. And I didn't even flinch when everyone else ordered water with lemon or wine. I was seriously thinking of changing my order to a burger. But baby steps...

As I adjusted into my role as "odd man out" an interesting conversation started. SEX. Oh goody. The gist of it was when was everyone going to talk to our kids about sex. Honestly, we moms can't even talk about sex without somehow working our kids into the conversation. Anyway it became evident that I may have some opposing views of sex education in this circle. To top it off, most of these women have sons not daughters. The talk took me by surprise as they relayed stories about how aggressive girls are and how they practically attack boys anymore. Shameful I tell you. How girls are the problem and what you have to watch out for. One woman added,"And the sex in the movies nowadays. I used to really monitor for violence but violence isn't looking so bad these days." Then a story was relayed about girls who go into the grocery store bathroom and are giving boys blow jobs. "Yeah, that happens at schools, too, I hear." Keep in mind my children are the oldest at 9 so I'm thinking "What the hell preschool are your kids attending?" The tone of this talk went on and I had to interject.

"Who were the girls giving blowjobs to?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean were they alone in the bathroom giving blowjobs? Were they finding homeless men? Were they dads or husbands?"
"No, no, no. Teenaged boys, of course."
"Oh, so they weren't alone in their egregious pursuit of inappropriate sexual encounters?"
"I don't even know what you mean."
"What I mean is the person offering the blowjob in a grocery store bathroom or at your kids' preschool is no more culpable than the person who accepts the offer."
"Oh C'mon! What teenaged boy is gonna turn down a blowjob."

My answer -- probably a lot of them. No, not all of them but if they put themselves willfully into the same inappropriate sexual situation they are as much in need of guidance as the beguiling, bewitching, teenaged girl. Let's just break back out the chastity belt.

At some point I just faded out of the conversation as I could see it wasn't going anywhere. I had to take action. So I sat back and ordered a big, fat piece of chocolate cake. Take that.

Cone of Silence

2009-06-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

I recently viewed the movie, "Get Smart" and want to get one of those thingies that was like a cone of silence. I don't think that's what they called it but I still want one. The reason I want one? So I can let out the rabid thoughts in my head as they occur to me, no censoring, no being nice, just blurt it out. But I would appear nice because the person I didn't want to hear it though standing within earshot would not hear it. I'd need an improved version that was invisible and able to be connected to only one other individual of my choosing. I wouldn't want any snarky, rude thought that might cause laughter to go completely underground. As it stands now the thoughts occur to me and I stop them or sometimes I later relay them to GTC or another person but the delay lacks the punch of the original thought. I don't know why I need this because I do have a blog to vent upon. I guess the immediacy is appealing.

So tonight I come home from taking the kids to karate and roam through the house to put some things away. As I descend the stairs I see a big ass out the back window. See, a cone or some sort of censor might come in handy even as I type. Anyway, our neighbor behind us has taken our comment that she can use the trampoline "anytime" to mean you can use the trampoline "all the time." The disturbing thing about this is the entrance to the trampoline is facing the back of the house. Her daughter was on it and she was leaning into the entrance pushing down on the trampoline to bounce her daughter as her big butt was awkwardly jiggling to and fro. Lazy -- get on the damn thing. Your child is 20 months. But the visual is hard to shake - no pun intended. The thing was shaking it's way all around. To make matters worse it was dinner time. I did the only thing a forthright person could do -- I pulled the blinds shut. If I wanted to view that kind of spectacle I would rather it be of my choosing from late night HBO and preferably someone I do not know at a time when the kiddies were all safely elsewhere. If I had the cone I would have opened the window and shouted, "Get your FAT ASS off my property! I am trying to have a nice family dinner here!"

There are so many other instances where the cone would be of use. Had to get this one off of my mind.

What? Huh? Iran's election was rigged?

2009-06-16T12:19:00.001-07:00

Duh. There isn't much more to say on that one. More NON news...

Oh the Damn Mind Games

2009-06-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning in good cheer. After a nutritious breakfast for the kiddies of whole grain, vitamin fortified, Sugarburst cereal we headed to the zoo. There's no need to detail the morning because it went well. We brought our lunches, went on a lame choo choo ride that revealed a mysterious underbelly of the zoo in the way of the backsides of many cages all absent of any creatures living or dead. Three bucks I will never recover but that will be well spent I am certain capturing and caging many more lucky animals being saved from extinction. As an aside I do wonder if the rescuing of a species from extinction is worth it to the animals themselves. That's an entirely different post, however.

To the point of my current thought process...after the zoo I stopped at a local mega super store that shall remain unnamed but will be referred to herein as "We may treat our people poorly but everything is cheaper here." I needed a pack of hanes tshirts for tie dying and some diaper ointment. Of course, I am physically unable to go to this wonderfully under priced store and stick to only the two things I "need." Along the way I found a fabulous and flimsy full-length mirror which I have been coveting for some time because I like to torture myself with the reality of what my entire person looks like. I carefully chose the CHEAPEST one. Pay close attention to that detail because it comes into play later on.

As I approached the checkout my daughter said what she always says every single time we are in a public place. "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom." This time I skipped the speech about how the bathrooms here are filthy (her response last time and I kid you not was, "so is my butt.") I told her older sister and her to head to the bathrooms. Yeah, yeah I had visions of them being abducted in the bathroom but I had a clear view of the bathroom entrance and I was second in line so I knew they'd be back before my turn. Regardless of the faith I had in the decision to send two young, rambunctious children into a public restroom while I was trapped in a checkout line I felt a little stress. They seemed to take longer than usual and I swear I saw people staring toward the restrooms probably wondering where the hell those two loud kids' parents were. But, alas, they returned before my turn as expected.

The older gentlemen clerk tried to scan the full length mirror in the cart but it didn't work. Then he tried to read the skew numbers on the tag as he reprimanded my two year old to "keep it still, buddy, I can't read them movin' numbers." Finally, I said "Let's just move this thing onto the belt there, fella." And the thing still won't scan. So the cashier says, "How much was that?" Here's the damn mind games. I said, "I think 5.99 or 6.99, but I really don't know." He looks at me suspiciously and says, "I don't think the long ones are that cheap." So for a frozen moment in time it's like a showdown, but only he is at this showdown. I quickly say, "I don't remember. I know I got the cheapest one but I don't know the price." So he says, "I'll let you get away with it this time."

At this point my mind is going. First gear -- Catholic conditioning. I am a sinner. I feel guilt. I must've done something wrong here though I am unclear on what that might be. What am I trying to get away with? Second gear -- fuck off, you lazy ass old punk. It's your job to tag these things so get off your rump and check the price. Third gear -- I should tell him I don't feel comfortable "getting away with anything" today and can you please go check the price on this cheap ass mirror while seven people piss and moan behind me? Fourth gear -- if you are that lazy I should have said the price was 89 cents. Damn mind games.

Sad little Thomas cake

2009-05-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

I just finished crafting a Thomas the Tank Engine cake for my son's 2nd birthday. He won't care or know that the cake is for him or for his birthday. GTC spent hours building a kick ass sand and water table and the little boy will have no concept what went into it or that it is for him. We do these things for our children yet somehow it isn't really for our children at the age of two. It's for the grown ups and older children. I wonder what a two year would actually say they wanted for their birthday if they grasped the concept that it was "their day." I have a few ideas:

-Get this stupid party hat off of my head -- NOW.

- Why are all these people singing? Please make them stop.

- Mom, could you just leave me in my crappy diaper today? I don't really mind and it's a hassle stopping my play time to get changed.

- I would like 50 DO-NUTS -- NOW.

- Please stop talking and asking me to say things. It is tiring. I know what you're saying, you know what I'm trying to say so can't we just agree to point and run and laugh?

- I'd like that big box thingy up on that shelf to play Thomas the Tank Engine nonstop, all day, every day.

-I want you to just wait over there and come every time I call immediately so you can get for me whatever it is that I want at that moment. That way I won't have to scream and lay boneless on the ground in a heap of meltdown when you decide to answer your phone or read something.

-Another great entertainment idea would be for you to fall down making a loud noise many, many times over and over and over. That one just never gets old.

-If you're gonna make me unwrap a bunch of store bought presents and gush over it then at least extend to me the courtesy of letting me play with the box it came in.

-Thanks for a great birthday. You go ahead. I'll shut off the lights and lock up when I'm done playing...

Happy day.

More from CNN.com and TIME

2009-05-12T11:57:00.001-07:00

In other news...

They forgot to mention that even though some were poked for real and some were semi-poked with toothpicks ALL participants were first fed the olive from the toothpick that came from the 8 martinis they drank.

Oh thank god.

2009-05-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

I think the decision speaks for itself. Miss California -- still Miss California. We can all stop holding our breath.

Piss off you bastard flu

2009-05-07T03:52:00.000-07:00

Hah! For three days in a row now (hmm...why don't those two words rhyme...) the rogue disease dubbed, "swine flu" has been absent from the front page of my local Dispatch. Even CNN.com breaking news reported the second American death half-heartedly posting the headline and quickly moving it down the ticker as they learned she had "underlying chronic health problems." Where are you, swine flu? Not in the news anymore. Don't feel bad because your next visit is probably to my home if you aren't here already. As an aside I feel like crap today -- runny nose, coughing, but alas, no fever. I am prepared with my surgical gear so fear not and it will not stop me from making fun of you.

Let's take a look at what has bumped you from the marquee. Tax levies! No one cares about those judging from some widespread failure yet it has stolen your spotlight. Which brings me to another rant. Why not pass a school or a library levy? Worse yet why actively campaign against one? In the end the failure of your suburb's school or library levy makes you -- yes, YOU personally -- look dumb. I don't mean, "you stinky dumbhead" type dumb. I mean low IQ, lack of vision, pulled your own rug out from under yourself type dumb.

I especially would like to highlight the UA library levy failure. It would have increased homeowners of a $100,000 home by about 30 bucks per yer(okay, in UA that price range doesn't exist but we need that for ease of calculations -- it's still nominal). You tight-ass, ignos. What in the hell are you thinking? The education of your community's youth is an integral part of the foundation of your property value and your economic base as a whole. The educational resources of your community part of which is a library holds the same importance. And no, I am not biased just because I was previously employed in such an establishment. It just makes good sense. Good going to all the districts that failed to pass school and library levies due to personal financial concerns and welcome to many more years of those concerns coming to fruition due to just that mindset.

Let's induce some panic

2009-04-24T04:01:00.001-07:00

Germs are in the air. There are some especially pesky ones in the air now that may kill you and your entire community. We may sometimes neglect to tell you that germs have always been in the air and have always been killing people in your community from the beginning of time but make no mistake now is the time where people everywhere though mostly in Mexico are instantly dropping like flies. Well, not instantly and not a huge number but still. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie OUTBREAK with Dustin Hoffman but it could be way worse than that. I mean it could be so why not just imagine it is and act accordingly? People will bleed instantly from their pores if anyone sneezes near them. The only way it can be prevented judging from newspaper photos is surgical scrubs including masks and gloves. If someone near you sneezes run like hell (screaming while you're at it to alert others in your path) to the closest hospital. If you fail to panic you have simply failed. Stay indoors, stay away from Mexico, wash your hands until the skin comes off and for god's sake do not eat bacon regardless of what the CDC says. They do not know very much. Just because people die every season from other strains of the flu at much higher rates and thousands have contracted this flu and have not died doesn't mean anything. Sure, there are vaccines to those other strains (though people still die?) and there isn't one to this strain. Yet. In the meantime, this is no time for leisure or common sense or calm. Seal up all the entrances and hunker down. And do not forget to worry like hell. For more information or lack thereof see tomorrow's paper.

Boundaries

2009-04-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

I don't want to shock anyone but I have been reading a self-help book. This one is about setting boundaries. Boundaries are a thing I am somewhat unfamiliar with. Apparently, one is allowed to say no to requests for favors, to invitations, to impositions in addition to "standing up for oneself." On top of that, a person may find it helpful and even productive to state one's reasons for doing so. This concept is fabulously new yet slow going for me. The way my mind processes new concepts is it begins with the negative and eventually gets to the positive or action state. In other words, so far I have learned what boundary setting is NOT. I will attempt to illustrate my new found knowledge in a series of statements.

Statements without clear boundaries:

- It's a little bit hurtful and uncomfortable but if it works for you go ahead and twist your car keys through my eyeball. Ouch. I mean, I'm okay. Maybe we could try this later instead? I have to get the kids to school. Never mind, if this is the only time that you can do it.

- Why, of course, I can come over to your place at 8 a.m. and watch your kids for you. I do need to get my kids dressed, fed and to school first, but...what? Oh it has to be 8? Okay, I will have to put my foot down and bring my kids, their clothes, their breakfast and then will have to load all of the kids in or on the car to take them to school and...what? Oh that won't work for you? Okay, well, my kids are pretty self sufficient and can stay at home by themselves and if they have to skip school what's one day? I will be over at 7:45. Do you need me to clean your house as well?

-It's okay this time but the next time I will really be upset. I mean hurt. I actually mean it's a little hurtful. What I mean to say is who do I think I am really? I can't judge you or your actions. For goodness sake, please ignore that I have spoken. My feelings are so immature. You go ahead and do your thing. I will continue to smile through it all to make you feel better about it. I am glad I got that out. Whew.

I will try to come up with more if it isn't clear. I mean if it's not clear it is clearly my fault and there is something innately deficient in me so don't worry about it. Just blame me. I mean don't blame me.

I think I have some more reading to do.

Somalian Pirates Vow Revenge

2009-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Uh.... okay...

A while back I thought I had found the all-time dumbest when I stumbled upon gang signs in the NFL. Stupid as it still is I believe the pirates may have topped it. Granted there surely exist hardships for one who engages in piracy and the Western World is surely to blame in there somewhere but I can't imagine I am the only person reacting to these stories with the sentiment of, "Huh?"

Let's back up a little. So you decide a life of piracy (aka: a crime) is the only way to make ends meet. You come up with the plausible idea of holding merchant ships worth millions hostage for a portion of their worth. The owners of the ship want to continue business and don't want anyone or any property hurt so they pay you. This happens with some frequency over time. In no time it seems the pirate has found some financial relief. What better way to enjoy that relief than a mansion off the coast of your homeland? And now it seems you also have somehow convinced yourself that it is your right to continue on with what you now undoubtedly consider your occupation without anyone impinging on your criminal activities. But, wait, someone called you out and shot your people? The nerve. Yes, yes, revenge is your only recourse. Good thinking. So now you vow to kill Americans and French instead of just terrorizong and threatening to kill everyone. Way to slip under the radar.

I can't wait to see how this one shakes out. I am putting my money on the military though.

Easter Schmeaster

2009-04-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

If you know me you may also be aware that I like to criticize organized religion. It is a past time of sorts. Some days it angers me but most days the irony and hypocrisy is quite comical. The problem though is the influence of organized religion is so pervasive and deeply ingrained that although our common sense might send us away from it our FEAR keeps us desperately clinging to the structure of it even if we do so secretly and silently. In this way I find it akin to Nazi Germany. That's just my preface for the words I am about to write which will almost assuredly seal my place setting in hell if hell does in fact exist.

Yesterday as I was driving towards home around noon on a Friday there seemed to be a slight traffic delay. This struck me as very unusual for the location and time of day. I figured there must have been an accident. As I inched along I saw a row of about 50 or so people walking on the road. I thought "totally cool" as I assumed I had stumbled past some sort of political protest. As I got closer I saw a man in the front pounding on a small drum and then a group of folks behind him carrying something. Yep. A cross. Seriously? My posture changed immediately from cynical curiosity to irritation. I rolled down my window and screamed, "Get on the f***ing sidewalk!" Not really, but I did want to.

Then I started thinking what if any other religion besides the country sponsored Christianity tried this? What if the satan worshippers carried along a sacrificial dead goat? Or if the Buddhists walked along in their loin cloths? Maybe people wouldn't stop them but they would be directed to the damn sidewalk in the least. I can't really express my feelings on this...I just think the ostentatious display of devoutness might actually be more devout if it was done in a way that wasn't screaming "Look at me! I am Christian/Catholic (or whatever they probably did have matching tees) I am going to heaven!! That's why I am allowed to stop traffic and run on the road." Ok, I'm not even being funny anymore. This is just irritating...I'm all for freedom of religion but also freedom from religion.... get off the road.

Hallucinagenic Ramblings

2009-04-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not really drunk or on drugs at this moment but having some of those odd thoughts that pop in from time to time. The thoughts make me giggle or embarrassed and then I have to spend hours listening to Anthony Robbins, watching basketball or some equally mind numbing activity to erase the visuals from my mind. I'm gonna try venting the thoughts here in the hope that they will find an alternative home. And maybe just maybe my anger will subside.

The first thing on my mind is derived from a conversation GTC and I had about a week ago. He started talking about all the talk to legalize drugs. I am not sure I really care about that but it got us to thinking about what the marketing for that would look like. Maybe something like this:

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. She surveys the scene looking for her friends. At the end of the bar are 2 married businessmen looking very serious while gazing at blueprints strewn across the bar. The bartender is approaching them with the bong hits they ordered. Toward the middle of the bar is a couple. The woman is sexily tying off the man's arm above his elbow with a rubber tube. He waits patiently with syringe in his free hand. At the end of the bar 5 younger men all turn to the woman who has just entered. They momentarily abandon the lines of coke they have cut for themselves and try to flag her down with an offer of a free line. She shrugs and walks straight to the bathroom where she finds her two BFFs smoking crack. (ha. get it?) ....

So it goes with my mind. Then my mind goes to the dark place and I start thinking the real answer to our drug problem is to lace all illegal drugs that can be found with a dose of lethal poison. Once it gets around that it might just kill instantly a lot of people might not try drugs. And those who were killed, well, problem solved. Multiple problems solved really. It's kind of a learning curve. People wouldn't pick up a gun and think"I have heard these are dangerous. Hmm.. Wonder what this thing does.." So will be the process with illegal drugs.

All my dark and odd imaginings do not relate to drugs. Some of them relate to seemingly innocuous things. For example, the newspaper today had a feature about tips for runners. One tip caught my attention in particular. It said be aware of your surroundings and either don't use an ipod or keep the volume low (or something like that). The last part is what got me especially women should always be aware of their surroundings... There was no explanation as to why women might be particularly responsible for an awareness of their surroundings. Perhaps it is because women are responsible for keeping our streets and parks clean and so when running women should make sure to keep things tidy. Or maybe women are very susceptible to tripping. Far more than men. Okay, here's my thing with this-- if you are going to say something like that follow it up with your intention and reasoning. In feminist circles this is called a woman's "Rape watch." We are always on this watch and it is our responsibility to always be aware and adjust accordingly to ever present and ongoing expectation that we will be victimized. I am not necessarily disputing what was said just pissed off that the writer thinks it has to be said. We all know it, you jerk. Men are supposed to rape women. We'll keep an eye out for it. Thanks for your input though.

Go West

2009-03-29T04:36:00.000-07:00

I have long smirked at the notion of people, "Going West." I mean, c'mon, how cliche can we get? And yet I now find myself once again in a position of humility where I feel the need to confess...I am going West. The first chance I get, the next chance I get. GTC had it in our 12 year plan to do it anyway but now it must move its way into my 5 year plan. I would prefer it move its way into my 5 day plan. So if you don't hear from me in a reasonable amount of time (unit of measure for relatives- 6 months; friends- 7 months) check the Tahoe-Donner directory. I second the notion a good friend recently shared with me, "If people weren't born in Ohio the midwest would remain largely uninhabited..."

Ongoing obsession with Facebook

2009-03-18T04:16:00.000-07:00

Ahole is blogging about facebook. Ahole is also eating a piece of toast. Wheat toast. Kroger brand. I am holding it in my left hand. I am left handed. I know because that's how I sign my name. And also I took an internet quiz that says I might be left handed. Ahole is wondering what a random 400 people are doing at THIS EXACT MOMENT. Please tell Ahole. Please tell me where you are going today. Please tell me what you had to drink today. Please tell me what you think of the weather. Please tell me what you did yesterday and post some pictures of it, too, while you are at it. What is a story about drinking latte without a photo? How can I visualize you going to work without a visual? How in the world can I really get to KNOW you people called my friends? Ahole is impatiently waiting for the next status update. C'mon, people! Where are you EXACTLY? What are you doing RIGHT NOW??? Ahole doesn't want to take another quiz about herself. Oh but she will. Just to have something to post if someone else doesn't post first. Isn't anyone eating, drinking, reading, shitting, travelling, pondering, talking, thinking, looking??? Tell me NOW. NOW. NOW.

So tired...

2009-03-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of bullshit. Irony in that is all I spew is bullshit. That's all I got. Bunch of stupid ass bullshit theories and ideas on life that I got mostly from observing my dysfunctional family and reading lots of self-help books with a sprinkling of overpriced and way overvalued professional help. I have come to the conclusion that I was either:

a. Abandoned by a pack of wolves shortly after my birth and found by my parents. They noticed I was female which their current family was short on and thought with a lot of work they might be able to make me human(my dad always claimed I was an ugly baby and I can get very hairy without the proper hygiene). Alas, as they now realize after my 40th birthday it was all for naught. You really cannot take the beast out regardless of the best intentions and copious amounts of catholic conditioning.

b. Mixed up with another family's baby. I have no basis for this one except maybe it was a slow day at the farm and between me and the other newborn she was way uglier.

c. Alan Funt decided to experiment with something a little bit meatier than a talking mailbox and any minute now he will be jumping out, screaming, "SMILE! You are on candid camera!" In the likely case that he is now dead I can only hope he has passed on my file to Ashton Kutcher and I will soon learn instead that I've been punked. Last resort is Howie Mandell. It's sort of his m.o. and I am running out of options.

d. Some combination of the above.

Can barely take it anymore...

Shocking news that is neither of those really

2009-03-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

In the world of reality TV, where I spend a great deal of free time, this week's shocking news is the bachelor. He changed his mind. Oh dear god. The public outcry was deafening (in the reality circle). What gets me with this and with all reality TV is that people believe it is real. So people are shocked that a guy goes on a TV show to find a wife out of a panel of women who are going on the show to compete for one guy and then the guy picks a girl and then he changes his mind. And the shocking part is that last bit?

Though I do watch reality TV I must admit I never watched this particular show because it is ridiculous. I rate these shows on a sliding scale and in the big picture ridiculous isn't a terrible rating but for me this one just isn't watchable. Until now. Bring in some good shock drama and I'm in. I can't wait for next season. As if regular schmoes and schmoettes aren't disallusioned enough when choosing a spouse from the entire population (not me, honey...)Until next season and for now I will continue to get my fix on American Idol and Sober House.

Where's Waldo?

2009-03-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

So I reluctantly joined facebook and I am beginning to think "wow, this is kind of neat" but wait...Then after I hear from some people from my past that it doesn't pain me to hear from and start to see the value of this whole "connecting" thing, Facebook slowly starts to resemble my real life. I pop into each of my family members' and even some friends' pages and there is my ex husband. Will he never go away? Not unlike the series of childrens' books, WHERE'S WALDO? I suppose I should just make a game out of how many photos I can find him in...

GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!

2009-02-27T06:21:00.000-08:00

For anyone who has yet to experience the carpool drop off line at an elementary school I must warn you -- it is brutal. Basically we have a 60 second window to get goodbyes out of the way and two kids out of the car. If it doesn't happen we have sour looks, teacher escorts helping the kids out and general panic.This is 60 seconds filled with pure, unadulterated anxiety. I am not sure if it is the way the teachers rush the kids out of the car or the impatient parents behind me but it fills me with dread each and every day. Then as I pull away I am left with the aftermath of guilt for not taking my time and telling the rest of the world to piss off and wait 2 more minutes. My girls are looking for a kiss and hug goodbye and I'm going, "yeah, yeah, hug, kiss, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR!!! I'M GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW URGENT THIS IS????!!!" I am just thankful I am no longer in grade school. That's a lot of damn pressure.

Fireside chat, my ass...

2009-02-25T05:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, Obama is wonderful. I concede. I am always skeptical of anyone with self-confidence and lots and lots of followers (see Catholic Church as one example). Nonetheless, let's give our comparisons to the past a rest. While we are at it let's give Obama himself a damn rest. The most noticeable things about last night's speech to me were:

1. The dark circles and bags around the president's eyes. Welcome to the Whitehouse and goodbye to any hope of a good night's sleep.

2. Nancy Pelosi's idiotic permagrin coupled with her schoolgirl, teacher's pet, jumping out of her seat every chance she could get clapping making an ass of herself and a mockery of her status. I imagine afterward she gave Obama an apple and offered to clean the blackboards.

If it's time for change then let's change already. I propose we start by telling everyone to remain seated and hold the applause to the end.

Update on Facebook

2009-02-21T11:05:00.001-08:00

I decided to join not just for voyeuristic pleasures. After receiving a friend invite I can't refuse I'm going in. That way I can feel a little bit better about the friend count jumping from 0 to 1 and even if it stays there it's better than nothing. Now I will claim I was never against it and can totally see the value in the whole thing.

By the way, got out my wisdom teeth so I may just be looped up. I have to say that was the best dental experience I have ever had. A little freaky to start breathing and immediately pass out only to wake up to find I don't remember a thing, my mouth is bleeding and 189.00 has been charged to my Mastercard. Oddly reminiscent of days of my youth.

A-Rod Issue is finally here!!!

2009-02-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

Interview:

Q: What did you think when you heard you were going to be on the latest cover of SI?

A: Oh my god, I was so shocked and honored. I thought my agent was playing a joke on me. I have wanted this so badly since I was a teenager.

Q: Honestly, is playing baseball really that hard?

A: Oh you bet it is! There are ups and downs. I have to travel a lot on private jets and first class and so I really get jet lagged. I also get treated like royalty a lot places. It can get lonely but seriously I really love it. I have a lot of good stats but I won't bore you with any substance of anything I've ever accomplished because I know your readers just want to objectify my appearance.

Q: Will you describe your dream girl?

A: I dunno. Maybe someone who is intelligent and respectful and has good family values. I don't like rudeness and bad manners. I am also very romantic.

Q: If you could create the perfect hollywood pair who would it be?

A: Madonna and me.

Q: If you could change one thing what would it be?

A: I can only change one? Shoot, I can think of several., No seriously I am not someone who likes to take things back or have regrets per se but if I could just erase the last 9 years or so of drug use and philandering that oughta cover it. We all make mistakes right? But look at my chiseled chin!

Q: Finally, something I am sure everyone really is interested in reading about--who is the world's hottest athlete?

A: Lebron James for sure. He's so big and handsome and I hear almost anyone has a shot with him.

Sorry. My irritation with SI Swimsuit Issue. I don't mind pretty women. I just hate the objectification of them in a magazine that is supposed to promote sports -- an activity lots of women actually engage in. Love to hear more about those endeavors. I can't believe grown women with any semblance of intelligence wouldn't call out the asinine questions they were asked in their interviews. If you're gonna put your tits and ass on a sports magazine for all to see please pretend like there might be a brain and some other accomplishments to go with it. Good god.

Forgiveness for sale! All colors, one size fits all!

2009-02-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

No lines!No waiting!

I don't know where to begin with this one. So the Catholic Church is bringing back some traditional practices one of which is granting "indulgences." Now before you go and start thinking chocolate desserts and candy like I did just stop right there. It's so much better than that (for entertainment value anyway.) My first question upon reading this article in The Dispatch this morning was, "Why the f would this be on the front page? It isn't news. It's less than news." My second thought after reading the article again in its entirety was, "This has to be a joke. Do people really take this seriously?" So being a recovering Catholic I read the article one more time.

Here's my breakdown:

*Indulgences are sort of like credits on earth. If you do some prayer in a predetermined setting like a retreat (one which I'm betting the church charges for) then you may be granted an indulgence.

*An indulgence apparently takes time off the person's visit to purgatory. Purgatory was described in the article as, "not a place of suffering but a place where you receive a good scrub down to remove the muck before being with god."

*If you get your scrub down here you can avoid the long lines and waiting once you croak and hit purgatory.

*As stated by Tom Berg, "It is NOT a get out of jail free card."But wait, Tom. I thought it wasn't a place of suffering.

*Exactly who does the granting or how it is granted remains unclear to me. The article stated no one keeps track because "It's between the Catholic and God." The only record keeping will be done by the church treasurers who receive your money.

I can barely articulate my thoughts on the absurdity of this. It is so frustrating to think that once the premise of heaven/purgatory/hell is actually accepted that people then actually believe you can "buy" your way into "heaven" on the fast track. IF it is truly between the Catholic and god then no one needs an indulgence. No one needs confession, judgment on earth and no one needs the church. Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. My best and most hopeful guess is that someone in the church double majored both in theology and marketing. During these hard times the church is also affected. Guilt does not seem to be working as well presently. We're gonna need some "value added" tactics to really grab these customers back.

Well, good luck with that. Anyone not able to attend this weekend's retreat see Fr. McFleecalot. For the right price I am certain we can zip you right by the scrub down and into the glory of god.

uh-huh

2009-02-08T13:52:00.001-08:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/02/05/facebook.impostors/index.html

I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thanks for asking

2009-02-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

Made the mistake of vowing to take care of myself again. I got very extreme with it this time and decided to go to the dentist for a cleaning. I try to visit only once every decade or so when I have a broken tooth or a nerve hanging out of my mouth. Otherwise, I try to handle that stuff at home. I'm kind of a DIY sort of person.

Long story short they said I had to get my cavities filled before I ended up having to get a root canal. Nice scare tactics. So negative. I stopped myself from saying, "yeah, and you'd better get to the gym before that ass takes over all your organs." But I didn't. I know better. Most of us have our Achilles heel as it relates to our health. Maybe you can' stop smoking. You know it's bad for your health but you keep lighting that wonderful little stick of sunshine anyway. Others may have an aversion to physical activity. We've all heard our hearts might burst if we don't get up off the couch but still we sit with remote in one hand and chips in the other while with the help of Time Warner we efficiently watch 18 shows in 2 hours. Don't roll your eyes at me. It is possible. I know people who haven't been to the doctor for a well check up in years. Not because they think they are healthy but because they are afraid to hear the details of their ill health.

Given this information I am incredulous when the dentist or the people who do all the work before he walks in for two minutes ask me questions like, "Did you have a bad experience at the dentist when you were young? Is that why you don't like the dentist?" It takes a lot not to jump out of the chair shouting,"Are you f---in' kidding me? EVERYONE HATES THE DENTIST!" I think she might have been looking for one of those sordid tales of general anesthesia and the sexual deviant doc. No. At least not that I know of. "Actually this is the worst dental experience I have ever had," I say to her, "each one before this was also dreadful. If I need to explain it to you I don't believe there is any way you would actually grasp the meaning of what I was saying. Should I talk more slowly?" In reality I said nothing but I came up with a list of reasons why one might hate the dentist without ever having an illegal experience there:

1. You are too close to my face. I don't know whether to look in your eyes or look away. Both seem equally awkward so I usually decide on a zoned-out, glazed-over look while I count your eyebrow hairs.

2. The tools used may be new but they've never been improved. I am 40 years old and in my lifetime I have seen things change. Gigantic cable boxes connected by 2 inch think cables have been widdled down to a cordless, hand held remote. Pong has turned into me (my nephew actually) playing video games against other people not in my house but somehow magically connected to my TV. Kentucky Fried Chicken is KFC and really healthy now. Just a few examples. Is there a way to get rid of that awful drilling sound of the cleaning tools? And how about we put our heads together and come up with a way to do without the torture chamber worthy metal hook that scrapes the life out of me?

3. You are touching my mouth. I can see you are wearing gloves but what about the people who make those gloves? How clean can it really be?

4. You ask me questions that require more than a yes or a no. To make an awkward situation worse you are having a conversation with yourself while pretending to have one with me. Please don't bother.

5. The only yes/no question you do ask me is "Ya' doin' okay, hun?" Hell, no. I am not doing okay. I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thank you.

6. The bill. After all that happens in the actual office it's followed up by the harsh kick in the ass of an exorbitant bill.

Really? You don't know why I hate the dentist?

Ted Haggard

2009-02-02T05:12:00.000-08:00

GTC and I spent part of our Saturday night watching a fairly incomplete and lame "documentary" much better labeled a home video about the once esteemed Ted Haggard. I have to say the guy was likable in a weird sort of way. He seemed to embrace his sometimes homosexual, sometimes heterosexual nature. In other circles this is referred to as bisexual. Ted presented a very accepting view on his judges in the church who banned him not only from the church but also from the state of Colorado. I am not even sure the FBI can do that.

It was difficult to tell whether Ted was truly happy or okay with anything because he has a facial deformity in the shape of a huge permanent, awkward smile that defies any accurate reading of his feelings. This only went away one time. That was when Ted seemed very pathetic which was right about when I began to find him likable. He seems to be a man who in his own words "sinned" and who is unable to get that grandiose and seemingly non existent thing his church once called forgiveness. I felt like Ted was just one step away from getting it. Maybe the church isn't all it's advertised to be.

I guess I didn't get too much from this except the idea that organized religion isn't where you want to be if you are looking to engage in any sort of nontraditional anything or in the wake of said thing you are looking for any sort of forgiveness, unconditional love, and understanding. No, one would have to venture far far away from any organized religion to obtain those. Hopefully, Ted will get far enough away to realize that. In the meantime, if anyone is looking to purchase some good life insurance or to give out massages, Ted is your man.

UPDATE

2009-01-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

I joined Facebook again. I have no friends though which serves only to confirm the reality I am living on a daily basis. I have no intention of making any friends on Facebook as of yet. I am considering it a social experiment of sorts. I want to watch. I want to see who your friends are. Yep. That's it. That's all. That's me. The very ironic thing here is this is exactly how things would go in what I call "real life." For example, let's say there is a big ass party whose guest list includes almost everyone I've ever known and also everyone who is six degrees separated or less. Turns out this is similar to the party we had in high school. Myself and each of my two older siblings each invited only four people. So how in god's name did 1082 people show up? And that count includes the police and late comer TM, our chaperon and babysitter for the weekend (the party then ended). Back to FB (that's cool slang for Facebook - oh I keep revealing my uncool by defining my subtle humor) (and where are all these parentheses coming from?)

So here it is a live modern day party. This is exactly what I would do. I would sit in a corner near someone I knew very well or near the beer and I would watch. If anyone ambled over and noticed and actually engaged me in real conversation (i.e. email or phone or in person) I could talk your ear off. I might even interest you. Or find you interesting. But from afar everyone either looks far too self assured or far too idiotic. The parallels to facebook are astounding. But then near the end of the night... what happens? Yes. You do know me well. I have had too much to drink and then I start talking to everyone and she and he and all of you all are my very very bestest friends. Until I sober up... If nothing else I may antagonize pdawg into a response.

I just can't help it

2009-01-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

I have to do this. It's an urge, an instinct, a knee jerk reaction and something I know all too well should be kept under wraps in the name of my new mantra of "universal patience." But I just can't help it. I have a confession to make. Today for the third time I have activated an account on Facebook. The first time I did it because I realized I couldn't see other people's stuff unless I joined. After I poked around a little and realized how creepily voyeuristic I was being I deactivated my account. I was satisfied that I was not missing anything.

The second time I reactivated (they make it so damn easy) and decided, "Well, if everyone is doing it then it must be fun or useful. And, gosh, look how many friends you can have in list form with pictures at a moment's notice on those not so happy days. Yes, I surely must join." I did it again. For about five minutes this time. I couldn't shake that creepy feeling. I kept looking over my shoulder to see which one of my "friends" might be watching me. Deactivated again. This time I laughed at myself for what I consider my own foolishness because I know better than to think this would appeal to me.

Today, my third and I highly doubt last time I reactivated my account I was clear on my motives. I wanted to spy on people, see what pics they had up, see who some of their "friends" are. I must admit I really got a good chuckle this time. I think Facebook allows an entirely new age of connecting in a disconnected way and even offers a new definition on the term "disconnected." As I peeped in on all of you (yes, I know anyone who might be reading this has an account, suckers -- no privacy allowed here!) I noticed some of the people who actually are my friends' pictures of their "friends" and kept saying things out loud like "Hah! He isn't your friend. You just told me you HATE him!" and "That's a coworker, numbrain, not a friend" and "I doubt you've even met that person."

I realize my criticism sounds like I think I am better than all that. And I don't think I am better than anybody. My friends, these are people who I have spoken to on a somewhat regular basis over the years, have met my kids, know my birthdate, have a vague idea of my favorite colors, movies or jokes and probably have my phone number and know where I live, know that I think myself much much worse than anyone I ever encounter. So we can scrap that. The thing is Facebook seems really really CREEPY to me.

With all the True Crime stories I watch and read there are many many cyber stalker types out there. So here's a scenario: someone introduces themselves at the grocery store, wait that's not gonna happen -- a crazy cashier thinks you're cute and realizes you resemble his last (dead) girlfriend, you pay by credit card, he has your name. He activates his deactivated account and looks you up. There are a lot of Mary Smith's so this is like finding a needle in a haystack. But wait, no it's not, there's your picture right there. Yep that's her, he says. I wonder where she lives or works. Let's see who some of her friends are. Oh, okay, looks like she works at Nationnarrow Insurance Co. He drives over to NN and follows you home. He takes his time, gets to know all your interests and even friends and finally your routine. He approaches you knowing everything and you think "I will go on one date with him." He kills you on the first date with a gun from long range. No DNA, no trail, no nothing. You are dead and he goes to work the day shift at Krogers the next day.

So seriously, how could I in good conscience and with this kind of safety awareness join Facebook? I actually may keep activating and deactivating to see if they send me any warnings on that. I will keep you posted through this blog that keeps me in touch with people I know - no pics, no real names even though I know who you are and you knwo who I am. No one has any interest in randomly searching blogs and even if they knew anything about me they'd have to know me or someone I know to really find me. See where I'm going with this?? Be safe. Oh and if you really want to keep in touch with "friends" there's this really cool thing called "going out to dinner" or if you want to get really retro "hanging out" -- I miss those days.

Word

2009-01-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

As in "Word Up" or "Word to your sister" or "What was that all about?" -- this shout goes out to you (you know who you are):

-To you, very attractive, middle-aged woman of at least one small child that I spied at McDonald's play land. While we all do our best to look our best whatever that may mean on any given day, your slightly short sweater and slightly low riding jeans that separated when you sat down to reveal several inches of your red thong gave me a giggle. Heh.heh. I wonder if she knows what that looks like.

-To you, older gentleman who rushed in front of me at the Kroger self-checkout. I had twice as many items as you and an 18 month old in tow. You got to that station first while I took the next one that opened up and I STILL FINISHED WAY BEFORE YOU. Save your energy for getting ahead somewhere else in life, buddy.

-To you, City of Dublin. The "No Sledding" signs that you posted have been taken out by hordes of children on sleds many of whom are unable to read. Accept it. It's a hill. It has snow on it. Sleds will rule.

-To you, Michelle Obama. Please make it easier on moms -- not harder. We're all pulling for you. So far.

-To IKEA, I could really use some words in the assembly instructions. Nothing fancy. "TOP" or "BOTTOM" would do...

That's all I got for today.

No Touch Sensor

2009-01-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

I went out last night with a couple of my cronies. That's code for "old women friends." We talked about the usual -- kids, husbands, ex-husbands, jobs, physical ailments, extended family members and the internet. In that order. One high point of the evening came at the very beginning when the young waiter with a behind the ear tattoo of an ax or a broom or something or other, asked for our id's. I would have been flattered if I didn't think he was required to card everyone who ordered alcohol. I mentioned that to him and he replied, "I only have to card the beautiful ones." Bam. Corny yet effective. Large tip secured. (that's what she said)

The other honorable mention item of the night was when I went to the ladies room. I spent a while there drying my hands with the "No-Touch Sensor." The problem I was having was the button that activated the the hand dryer was a big red rectangle that was labeled NO TOUCH SENSOR. DO NOT TOUCH. As I read that my finger was drawn to the bright button like a paper clip to a super magnet. I had no choice really. The first time I touched it tentatively and looked around for hidden cameras. The second and third times I pressed the button multiple times with reckless abandon. It felt so wrong yet so right.

Main lesson of the evening: I really need to get out more often.

No elbows on the table, please

2009-01-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

Table manners. Ever since Pdawg sat down and broke bread with my family and told the kids it was impolite to put elbows on the table a new battleground has been created for me. Thanks, Pdawg. But it's probably not what you think. They are telling me and each other to get elbows off the table and GTC is chiming in on it as well (as he loudly farts and admonishes the barking spider). I totally disagree with this one. Before I get started here, can anyone tell me WHY it is impolite to put your elbows on the table? Yeah, don't strain yourselves to come up with a clever answer because there just isn't one. I did some quick research and the best explanation I saw was the one that came from the olden days in England when people were seated on only one side of somewhat shaky tables and if folks leaned on the thing that was the end of dinnertime at least on top of the table. Makes sense. That would be totally impolite to tip a table and dump dinner.

It reminds me of the pot roast story some may have heard where a young woman, the third generation in her family, took her turn at hosting dinner and cooking the infamous "Granny's Pot Roast." After she prepared the meat to cook with the top secret recipe she grabbed a carving knife and cut the top third of the roast off before placing it in the oven. Her husband walks by and asks, "Why did you cut the top off?" She replies, "It's right here in grandma's recipe. And I've seen grandma do this many, many times." Then her mother arrives and her dad looks in on the roast. Her dad comments, "I've always wondered why they cut the top of that perfectly good meat," to which his wife replies, "It's in my mom's recipe. She's always done that." Though everyone is clueless as to why they have continued to do this. When the grandma arrives her granddaughter works up the nerve to ask her why the top of the roast is cut off. The grandma tells her, "My oven was never big enough so I had to cut the top off."

As so it goes for elbows on the table. Sometimes "because" or "because I said so" works just fine when I correct the kids but not on this one.

Wait for it...

2009-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

Time again to revisit the concept of Universal Patience. Simply brilliant. The less I talk the less I really need to say. It is magnificent. I barely even need to blog though I realize mostly the same principles apply no one is really out there when it comes this spot. I do not feel sorry for that. In fact I am working into a very comfortable place with the notion that I could blab on and on about almost anything in the most offensive (or not) of manners and virtually no one would be offended (or not).

It is similar to the feeling I had once we moved into a different home and realized that when the blinds were all pulled there was no way anyone could see inside(you know who you are, freak!) I always worried about that at the old place due to the flimsy curtains that donned the front and back windows. Back then I used to have to army crawl past those windows when I decided to run naked throughout the house. Now I can walk, run, skip, dance and whatever else I deem necessary while naked with no fear of being seen. No more rug burns on my stomach. What a relief.

And so today I am grateful for being in this home. A note of caution, however, as this statement relates to universal patience and waiting -- tomorrow the ceiling may cave in and I will regret proclaiming my perhaps premature glee.

I swear I am not drunk or high. Just loving the new year.

New Year, New Blogspot

2009-01-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

I took down Alternative to Human Contact for several reasons. Partly technical difficulties that I continued to encounter and partly because, well, it got old reading and rereading my own blog over and over so I could watch the counter go up. That was my first attempt in the blogging world. After a brief hiatus I have decided to reinvent my little corner here in the blogging world. It's kind of like that urge some people get every few months or so to move around furniture in a room. I had an urge like that so before I opened up my twisted mindset again to anyone reading this (including myself) I cut my hair.

I have done this frequently in the past few years or so. It started as a money saving thing and developed into an amusing past time. Today I cut my hair because it amused me. If I did not have a dinner party this Saturday I would have cut all of it not just the front and sides. And I might have cut it shorter. Also, I must always account for the gigantic white mole which has claimed the back of my head as its home. If not for that I might even shave my head. Just when you think you know a person.

Today I am feeling all full of resolutions. Lose weight? Way overdone in my opinion. I am as healthy as I'm gonna be. Moving on...One thing I'd like to accomplish this year is "to know when to stop talking." It is perhaps my biggest and most daunting new year's resolution to date. I will rely on what I call UNIVERSAL PATIENCE. This principle is so ingenious and innate yet so difficult and overlooked at the same time. I believe as a nation we are so encouraged to speak our minds and have an opinion that we have come to believe others always want to hear what we think. Not true, my friends, not true. I have come to this realization the roundabout sort of way which is how I do most things. You can imagine my shock as I realized I hate when people share too much with me or share something that really doesn't need sharing only to find out I have the identical flaw. Kind of like I am doing now. Mark my words, though -- universal patience. If you aren't sure about sharing something or whether you should voice something just wait. As long as you can -- wait. Plain and simple. Shut the f up. I promise you, it will serve you well. Even if you are sure it's your turn to share or talk and everyone is dying to hear your words -- shut the f up. Then see what happens. I contend you will be amazed. It's crazy the things I am able to hear when I am not talking or thinking about what I am going to say next. I have learned all kinds of things that were not covered in Kindergarten.

But enough -- too much really.

Happy New Year.