I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thanks for asking

Made the mistake of vowing to take care of myself again. I got very extreme with it this time and decided to go to the dentist for a cleaning. I try to visit only once every decade or so when I have a broken tooth or a nerve hanging out of my mouth. Otherwise, I try to handle that stuff at home. I'm kind of a DIY sort of person.

Long story short they said I had to get my cavities filled before I ended up having to get a root canal. Nice scare tactics. So negative. I stopped myself from saying, "yeah, and you'd better get to the gym before that ass takes over all your organs." But I didn't. I know better. Most of us have our Achilles heel as it relates to our health. Maybe you can' stop smoking. You know it's bad for your health but you keep lighting that wonderful little stick of sunshine anyway. Others may have an aversion to physical activity. We've all heard our hearts might burst if we don't get up off the couch but still we sit with remote in one hand and chips in the other while with the help of Time Warner we efficiently watch 18 shows in 2 hours. Don't roll your eyes at me. It is possible. I know people who haven't been to the doctor for a well check up in years. Not because they think they are healthy but because they are afraid to hear the details of their ill health.

Given this information I am incredulous when the dentist or the people who do all the work before he walks in for two minutes ask me questions like, "Did you have a bad experience at the dentist when you were young? Is that why you don't like the dentist?" It takes a lot not to jump out of the chair shouting,"Are you f---in' kidding me? EVERYONE HATES THE DENTIST!" I think she might have been looking for one of those sordid tales of general anesthesia and the sexual deviant doc. No. At least not that I know of. "Actually this is the worst dental experience I have ever had," I say to her, "each one before this was also dreadful. If I need to explain it to you I don't believe there is any way you would actually grasp the meaning of what I was saying. Should I talk more slowly?" In reality I said nothing but I came up with a list of reasons why one might hate the dentist without ever having an illegal experience there:

1. You are too close to my face. I don't know whether to look in your eyes or look away. Both seem equally awkward so I usually decide on a zoned-out, glazed-over look while I count your eyebrow hairs.

2. The tools used may be new but they've never been improved. I am 40 years old and in my lifetime I have seen things change. Gigantic cable boxes connected by 2 inch think cables have been widdled down to a cordless, hand held remote. Pong has turned into me (my nephew actually) playing video games against other people not in my house but somehow magically connected to my TV. Kentucky Fried Chicken is KFC and really healthy now. Just a few examples. Is there a way to get rid of that awful drilling sound of the cleaning tools? And how about we put our heads together and come up with a way to do without the torture chamber worthy metal hook that scrapes the life out of me?

3. You are touching my mouth. I can see you are wearing gloves but what about the people who make those gloves? How clean can it really be?

4. You ask me questions that require more than a yes or a no. To make an awkward situation worse you are having a conversation with yourself while pretending to have one with me. Please don't bother.

5. The only yes/no question you do ask me is "Ya' doin' okay, hun?" Hell, no. I am not doing okay. I'm perfectly uncomfortable, thank you.

6. The bill. After all that happens in the actual office it's followed up by the harsh kick in the ass of an exorbitant bill.

Really? You don't know why I hate the dentist?